so upset by my dad - long, sorry

[idontneedthis]

have namechanged

I am shaking with anger as i am writing this. A bit of background story My dad lives with me and my husband in a 2 bedroom flat (he is unemployed, not on any benefits) and we wanted to help him (he is from another country) We don't earn a huge amount of money but i agreed to take him in for a while until he gets his stuff sorted (he had a job in his country - an awful one, to be fair, he was being exploited by his employer) and I'm fine with this! i love my family and i want to help them as much as i can. I am very close to my mum and i know that if my dad manages to get a job here and support himself my mum can move over too.

It was a long journey but after 7 months he finally is able to look for a job here which is great! I've since done his CV, helped him with applications, went around with him (on my days off) to all the employment agencies.

Today i was filling in an application for him (he asked me to - if i ask him to do it himself he says i'm unhelpful and he doesn't know how to do it - i realise i'm better on a computer than him which is why i'm helping) when he starts complaining that it's not right and why am i putting X job there - well i said, it's asking for your history. and he says "yes but why put managerial job in history - no one is going to hire him as a mechanic if they see that) and i said it's relevant because in that job he had to do mechanical related jobs - so he says why not put mechanic - because you haven't been a mechanic! I know i'm being a bit anal about this but he basically wants me to lie on his CV! i'm trying to "tweak" it for certain jobs but he's asking me to outright lie!

So he gets angry and storms off. I get annoyed and say well okay - do it yourself then! so he comes back giving me all this cr*p about oh i'm going back to X country. and i said look, i really don't want to hear this right now. I suffer from heart problems and i'm 17 weeks pregnant, i get upset easily and i'm just trying to avoid situations like these. He then proceeds to start yelling about "oh no you will listen to me!" and i yell back - no, please get out of my room. So he starts saying "who do you think you are talking to me like this" Now, that might have worked when i was 10 and i was afraid of him but not now! he stormed off again after a while but this is not the first time something similar has happened - His attitude in general is just so grumpy and unpleasant, I'm usually a cheery person and so is my husband and it just brings the mood down all the time. he has moments when he's great but i hate tip-toeing around him in my own house! He's always upset that we have no money and he can't help - which i understand but being upset about it isn't going to help us at all! I know it's hard to find a job and he's not used to all this jobseeking

I think i just feel a bit trapped in my own house - i gave up a lot of things to have him here, we were debt free before he arrived, we have little privacy, and i don't regret letting him live with us but he's making it so much harder for us.

Am i being unreasonable to expect him not to be so miserable and confrontational all the time? I know it's not easy - he's used to being head of the family, breadwinner, etc. but it's not my fault!

this is so long, i am sorry, it has calmed me down writing about it. the only person i can talk about this with is my husband and he's at work at the moment.

He might be your father, but he isnt treating you with any respect in your own home, therefore he shouldnt be welcome in it. When your husband gets home, have a talk with him, and put on a united front, and tell your father he has to leave.

I don't think this situation needs to be as absolute as squeaky implies. There does seem to be a last chance in this. Have a sit down talk with your dad about how the atmosphere is making you all feel. This is your home and you have the right to not be made unhappy in it. If he then continues to talk to you like he has been or doesn't do anything to otherwise change the situation, you would be well within your rights to ask him to find somewhere else to live.

I think for all concerned, I'd make sure I had given him the opportunity to see the error of his ways, so to speak.

Sit down together and calmly explain that although you are willing to help him, his attitude has to change. As squeakytoy has said, he is not being respectful to you, you sound as though you are trying to help him, so you don't need someone yelling and behaving like a toddler, who can't get their own way.
He isn't doing himself any favours lying on his CV and he is very foolish if he can't see that.
Tell him how you feel and if he can't appreciate the help you and your DH are providing, then perhaps its time he moved out.

IDNT:

I can empathise with your position my FIL moved returned from abroad penniless and homeless when by then DP (now DH) first moved in together and as DH is an only child we agreed to him living with us whilst he found a job house etc. Fortunately FIL was able to start looking for work straight away (although he was not entitled to benefits as he had been out of the country for too long). However, his expecatations regarding the type of work and the pay that he would receive we incredibly unrealistic. Like you I supported my FIL in going round recruitment agencies and applying for jobs and like your father he often reacted in a negative way to this help. In total he lived with us for three months and by that point I felt that the position was untenable. Fortuantely, our close friends offered him temporary accomodation. This provided DH with much needed space and eventually along with our friends we encouraged him to go to university (something he had always wanted to do but had never had the opportunity to do so). Four years on he has a masters, lives in is own flat, and as a NMW job.

I understand that we were really lucky (massive understatment) with regards to our friends having the room and being willing to accomodate him and I honestly do not know what would have happened if they had not stepped in. However, I do know that they were much firmer with him than DH and I about taking responsibility for applying for jobs/courses (perhaps as they were not related).

In hindsight I think that my FIL was very depressed (not suprising given the circumstances that led to him being homeless) and that his outbursts were due to this - could this be the same for your father (he has after all been exploited by his previous employers and been separated from your mother for 7mths. I am not suggesting that being depressed justifies his behaviour merely suggesting that it may be a factor and if so your father may benefit from diagnosis and treatment sooner rather than later.

Furthermore, you stated that he lacks computer skills which means that he relies on you to apply for jobs. It might be worthwhile contacting the local colleges adult education centres as I know were I live they offer both basic and more advanced computer courses for low fees (and no fees if on certain benefits). If your father was able to do such a course it would help him to be more independent with regards to both searching and applying for jobs which may in turn increase his self-esteem. Furthermore, he would have evidence of current/recent traning or his CV which may make him a more attractive candidate to potential employers.

Sorry for very long winded reply and really hope that the situation improves for you soon if you want to discuss things further please feel free to message me

Thank you so much for your replies.
crazybutterfly it does seem like a similar situation, i'm happy i'm not alone.

He seemed like he was sorry earlier, tried to talk to me but i wasn't in a position to talk to him yet - i was too angry and afraid i might say something i don't mean. i spoke to my husband and he will help him with jobseeking for a while from now on.
Me and my husband both work (he works full time, i work 30ish hours a week) and i see how it can be boring/frustrating staying at home whilst we go and work but if he wants to help he can help by not stressing me out iykwim!

re the computer skills, he has enough skills to chat online, watch tv, register on websites, use e-mail, etc, i think most of the times it's lack of confidence about spelling, making mistakes, etc.

Things are a bit tense at the moment but we're on talking terms again, even if it was only about what we're going to eat tonight, i suppose it's a start

idontneedthis I can't help but wonder if there is some sort of clash of cultures here. Could this be the case? It must be really tough.

crazybutterfly Yours is a wonderful story, full of hope and fulfilment.

IDNT:

computer just deleted response (grrr )so will try again

I think that your husband assisting your father with jobseeking will help to ease relations between you and your father and I hope that this works well for you.

From what your have posted re your father's computer skills, they seem sufficient for him to be able to search for and complte online application forms without assistance. However, I take your point regarding his lack of confidence regarding making mistakes, spelling etc.

As both you and your husband work I think that your father is being unreasonable to not try to complete the online forms himself. Since from what I recall you can save them therefore he could complete them and then your husband look through and assist him to edit them as necessary. Perhaps this is something that your husband could suggest to him as he takes over from you?

Another thing that I found helpful, as I am not the world's best speller, was to complete the "personal statement" bits in word so I could spell check before copying and pasting them into the electronic form. I also saved all personal statements as I found them useful in preparing for interviews and when applying for very similar jobs meant that I could tweak an existing statement rather than having to start again from scratch (which I always found very daunting).

I can empathise with your father's situation as I have on two occasions spent 6 months plus as a jobseeker. I remember at times feeling very low and unmotivated as although I sent on average an application per day (pre-credit crunch) I frequently did not receive and communication from potential employers and the employment market is much tougher now.

Finally, I am assuming that until he came to live with you he was financially independent and had always provided for himself/ the family therefore it must be very difficult for him to adjust to being dependent upon you and your husband. My FIL has since stated that he felt like an absolute failure when he became dependent upon us (although he never mentioned it at the time perhaps because he felt so bad about being finanically dependent upon us he didn't want to "burden" us with his feelings as well. Perhaps with your husband taking over with the jobseeking assistance it will give you and your father the time to talk about how you both are feeling rather than being centred upon him finding work.

Please note that I do not think you are being unreasonable in being angry and upset with your father but that given the circumstances your feelings are perfectly understandable. However, I just wanted to give you an idea of how your father may be feeling although as I said before I do not think that this condones his behaviour.

I suppose it could be, back where we come from (i've been living here for 3 years but have settled in quite well) finding a job is very different - it's mainly based on "who you know" if that makes sense. I know it's the same sometimes in the uk but there it's 99% of cases.

Also, family-wise, it's a very tricky job. There, family comes over anything, as a youngster, you are supported (financially) by your family until you decide what to do with your life, Having a job before finishing school/Uni is unheard of. My mom was still a SAHM when i left ( i was 19)

Sorry, crazybutterfly, missed your post by mistake! I definitely agree with what you're saying, i know he's stressed, he tells us he hates being a burden, i guess what i'm trying to say is, he could help us a lot by being less snappy and miserable, it makes ME feel bad that i'm not doing enough for him to be happy

I do not think that you should feel bad and from what you have said it seems that your are doing your best to support your dad but I am a little concerned that you seem to feel that it is your responsibility to make him happy. Perhaps the focus should be on what can he do to make himself happy.

e.g. going for walks so not cooped (sp) up all day, helping out around the house, if he has a hobby/interest finding a local group so that he can build friendships/contacts outwith the home.

If your dad feels unable to take action to make himself feel better it may suggest that he needs to see a GP as again I think that this may indicate an underlying issue with depression. If this is the case then, from personal experience, there are many ways in which this can be treated.