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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think age 3 is too young to tell a child they are not good at something?

26 replies

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 09/11/2011 10:41

I am willing to be told IABU but this really annoyed me...

At a local arts and craft session with my friend and her little girl, my DD wanted to write 'fairy' on her picture (of a fairy!) So she asked me how to spell it, I told her the letters and she wrote them down. My friend commented on how great this was, I just said she's really into letters at the moment, which is true, I don't think it's particularly amazing, it's just what she likes to do.

A few days later we went to their house to play. Instead of ignoring them while we drink coffee leaving them to play on their own, my friend insisted her DD wanted to play her new numbers 'game' which basically involved flashcards with some objects on one side (eg 5 ladybirds) and the number written down on the other side iyswim. She was holding up the cards getting the girls to take turns saying how many were on each card etc. Her DD was shouting out all the answers as soon as she saw the cards while my DD was trying to count them with her finger.

My friend then declared 'I think your DD is better at letters, but my DD is definitely better at numbers!'

I was a bit , and just made some comment about them all developing at different rates. I don't think it's right to say in front of either girl at this age that they are not good at something, or to make them feel like they are in competition with each other. Plus it really just felt like my DD had been given a maths test and then told she had failed!

I am still really, irrationally, annoyed about this. However I am also very sleep deprived thanks to DD2's teething and have raging PMT so my viewpoint may be slightly skewed! Is it me or was this a bit off?

OP posts:

AChickenCalledKorma · 09/11/2011 10:45

You are hormonal and your friend is competitive ... and jealous! Yes, it is totally ridiculous to say that a 3yo is "bad" at anything. But she didn't quite say that. Try and rise above it - the girls probably didn't even notice. They both sound like lovely, normal 3yos!

lesley33 · 09/11/2011 10:46

YABU a bit. she was obviously put out that your DD could do something - letters - that her DD couldn't do. So she is only trying to boast about her DD. She isn't saying your DD isn't good at something - but that her DD is better!

Try to avoid the competition with her - I think what you said about DCs developing at different rates was a good response.

Scholes34 · 09/11/2011 10:46

Don't take it to heart. You'll encounter worse situations in due course!

brianmayshair · 09/11/2011 10:46

YANBU but your friend is just irked because your dd can write. Competitive parenting you'll come accross it all the time. I doubt she meant it as it sounded as was only trying to make herself feel better, very childish.

soandsosmummy · 09/11/2011 10:46

Don't take it to heart, she sounds highly competitive and was probably desperate for her dd to be better at something than yours. More than likely the poor child had been hot housed for that little test for days in advance!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/11/2011 10:47

Oh it's just the oldest sin in the catalogue competitive parenting. I mean...she 'just happened' to want to play with number flashcards, indeed. Amazing what lengths some people will go to to set the scene for a brag. "Oh look! Is that a violin we've found lying about? Why don't you see if you can play a few notes? Oh you can? How amazing!!!' Ignore it and, if you can't ignore it, avoid your one-up-mum-ship friend for a while. :)

diddl · 09/11/2011 10:47

Well she didn´t really, did she?

brianmayshair · 09/11/2011 10:49

oh and now your entering into competitive parenting because her dd is better than yours at numbers

Towndon · 09/11/2011 10:50

YANBU. There's no need at all for competitive parenting.

pootlebug · 09/11/2011 10:53

I don't think she meant your DD wasn't good at something....just that her DD was better at it. Not quite the same thing.

Having said that, if this is typical behaviour she seems an ultra competitive pain in the arse. She was obviously narked that your child can write and therefore felt compelled to show off something that her child can do. Poor child has probably had the flashcards shoved under her nose 12 times a day since she saw your daughter write 'fairy'.

cory · 09/11/2011 10:55

What you heard is not quite what she said though, is it?

"A is better at X and B is better at Y" is not quite the same as "B is failing at Y", is it? A silly thing to say, I agree, but you could equally just take her as meaning "look how they all develop different things". In the end, it is not what your friends say but what you hear that is going to determine how your dd learns to cope in life. She will pick up on your attitude and either learn to shrug these things off or stress about them.

FredFredGeorge · 09/11/2011 10:55

Get practicing numbers! And teach your daughter the flute quickly before the other mum gets ahead!

pigletmania · 09/11/2011 10:58

I used to be like this with dd 4.6 until she was dx with sn recently. I've given up and she goes at her own pace

TidyDancer · 09/11/2011 11:03

I think your friend is being a bit of a tit, but she isn't really saying your DD isn't good at something, just that he DD is better. She's going to be a PITA I anticipate, but it's better to avoid rather than confront with parents like that.

Firawla · 09/11/2011 11:03

that other mum sounds pathetic tbh, she was obviously jealous about your dd's letters and felt she needs to "prove" how her dd is also clever - as if you would care. the other mum needs to get a grip i think, and yanbu to be pissed off by this ridiculous game. it is quite funny though

Original poster

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 09/11/2011 11:03

The flashcards were bad enough but I probably would have let it pass, but it was the fact that she thought it was ok to say out loud in front of them that one was 'better' than the other at something! Not fair on either girl. At this age they are so competitive anyway and I don't think it's something that should be encouraged.

Agree that her DD had evidently been 'practising', I don't think most 3yos could look at a picture of 9 cars and immediately say 'there's 9!' without counting them out.

Oh god, see now I'm being drawn in, this is why I always try and steer clear of conversations about what kids can and can't do...

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 09/11/2011 11:04

he her

earlyriser · 09/11/2011 11:05

I used to have a friend like that. Her child was 5 months older than mine. All she ever spoke about was how x was amazing at this and could read stories by herself and count up to a hundred and how she wrote in her diary every night (she was 5). It used to drive me mad, and then i found myself looking for opportunities to brag about my children. And i hated myself for it. So now i'm not friends with this woman anymore and i feel quite sad about it.

Original poster

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 09/11/2011 11:07

Oh and I agree it's not quite the same as saying she isn't good at something, I was just trying to summarise for the title, probably badly

OP posts:

Original poster

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 09/11/2011 11:07

Oh and I agree it's not quite the same as saying she isn't good at something, I was just trying to summarise for the title, probably badly

OP posts:

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 09/11/2011 11:08

she had an advantage of having played the game before and probably memorised the cards as kids do, so meh, doesnt matter.

Stay123 · 09/11/2011 11:12

I hate competitive parent snad she sounds as if she was really put out by your daughter knowing her letters so decided to hot house her daughter then staged it all. I wouldn't be friends with a mum like this. Having a friend like that is like walking on hot coals.

Jacksterbear · 09/11/2011 11:13

I am sure her comment would have washed right over the 3yos.

YANBU to think she is being a bit of a tit though.

Towndon · 09/11/2011 11:22

Not necessarily - they can take things in, then repeat them weeks later!

"I am sure her comment would have washed right over the 3yos."

Miette · 09/11/2011 11:26

YANBU. When my daughter came home with her school report at the end of the reception (not yet turned 5) she handed it to me and said "I'm not good at talking." Someone had obviously gone over the reports with the kids and told them what they were good at/not good at. I didn't think it was very helpful/confidence building. As it happens her talking seems to be fine, she was just shy in reception due to shouty teacher

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