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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have planted this idea in my mums head?

31 replies

mosschops30 · 09/11/2011 09:40

My father died 2 years ago, it turned out that after years of scrimping and spouting about how he wanted her to be ok when he was gone, he actually left her with virtually nothing and an £80k mortgage left on their house.

So now shes sold it and will have £175k to do with whatever she likes.

She has been looking to buy somewhere but asked me what id do in her situation and i half jokingly said 'well at your age (67) i think id just bloody enjoy it, rent somewhere and spend your money going wherever youve wanted to go and doing whatever youve wanted to do'.

Shes worked all her life, its been comfortable but never well off. Shes never been further than cyprus and a part of me thinks that she should just go mad and enjoy the twighlight years. I probably dont help by telling her what i see in work and how you should enjoy life.
In fact if she did buy a house, it would only be passed to me, she has no dependents, no responsibilities and can do what she wants, i dont want her to buy somewhere just so i get some money after shes gone

OP posts:

gypsycat · 09/11/2011 09:42

I think it's wonderful that you've put that idea in her head! I hope she goes for it!

gordyslovesheep · 09/11/2011 09:44

YANBU but I would perhaps get her to consider both - she could buy a retirement flat for 60K and spend the rest on cruises and fun - so if she lives longer then expected (for want of a better phrase) she has a roof over her head and company

Retiement villages are safe and she would have mates and a social life

NinkyNonker · 09/11/2011 09:48

I agree with Gordy, the money won't last forever, especially if she needs care. She could set herself up securely while the housing market is low and still have lots to go and do fun stuff.

Catslikehats · 09/11/2011 09:51

Not unreasonable at all - fabulous idea in fact provided that your mum has the means to manage money so that she wont struggle later.

Bear in mind that £175k is not actually a lot divided over a number of years. Does she have a pension/any other form of income? Because realistically £175k is not going to fund 15 years worth of rent in many places let alone anything else.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 09/11/2011 09:53

But properties where she wants to live are £150k+ and she wont compromise on that.
She has lots of friends and a great social life, better than me!
Why should she save money for care she may never need?

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 09/11/2011 09:55

But what if she does? If I were her I'd want a little security, but I guess we're all different.

NinkyNonker · 09/11/2011 09:56

How much would a nice rental for her be?

Original poster

mosschops30 · 09/11/2011 10:01

Id sooner spend my money or give it to my dcs than have it subsidise care for me.

OP posts:

whackamole · 09/11/2011 10:06

Yes but what if she needs additional care in the future? If none of that money is around then you will have to pay for it.

I think it's a lovely idea what you are suggesting, but I personally would put some of it away.

Catslikehats · 09/11/2011 10:08

Ok take care out of the equation.

My darling grandmother lived independenly until earlier this year. She is 94. Should your mother live that long she faces a very miserable old age if she has no income other than that £175, especially as I will assume that the rents will be high if house prices are.

It is a really difficult dilema and I agree with the principle of why save when you might need it, but if you don't and then you do...well the outcome could be pretty grim.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 09/11/2011 10:08

So who pays for people who need care and have no money for whatever reason?

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 09/11/2011 10:08

I think your suggestion is great. I feel like that about my parents who are desperate to make sure we are all looked after etc instead of enjoying themselves. However, 67 is not very old, I would encourage her to keep some money back for security. Hopefully she will still be around for a good few years yet and this way she will be able to live really comfortably.

NinkyNonker · 09/11/2011 10:09

Or at least with some put away she will have a choice of care as against what she is handed, I know my parents would want some control.

Are there no retirement places that are cheaper? We live in a mega expensive area yet I see them advertised for between £75 and £100k, sea views etc etc.

Esta3GG · 09/11/2011 10:12

£175k of capital is not a lot to live on at only 67. Why doesn't she buy somewhere with some of it and rent it out so she has income? Plus you'll still get an inheritance.

NinkyNonker · 09/11/2011 10:12

I think the govt do, but I don't think there is much choice and it can be dire. Both my Grannies live independently, one died this year at 95 the other is 93 and still going strong. She went into a nursing home for a month last yr when she was poorly and it was nearly £600 p/w for the one she was happy in. Without being able to pay it herself who knows where she would have ended up.

Life can be very long now!

Catslikehats · 09/11/2011 10:33

I think the state fund care for those who cannot afford it but then there is little choice. My grandmother who has on occassion used short term respite care said the variation between good and not so good was huge. I imagine some places were dire.

What was wonderful for my GM was that as she got older and needed more help she could afford choice. She is physically weak but until very recently mentally fine, she would have hated sitting in a care home where she was told what to eat, when to sleep etc. She has been fortunate enough to have a lovely live in carer that I am sure made the last months of the life she will remember that more bearable.

If you are expected the state to fund anything other than the basic minimum then you will be disappointed. (but I fear this is a whole nother thread)

NinkyNonker · 09/11/2011 11:51

Very similar to my Grannies Queen. My late Granny stayed, and died in her much loved home with a carer and my dad with her. My remaining Granny is still in her home, has carers come in twice a day. To her choice is dignity.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 09/11/2011 13:42

I can totally see everyones point, and i know that morally that is the right thing to do.
But the naughty part of me thinks why should she save her money to pay for care she might not need when others who havent worked get care provided. She didnt even get any help when she was caring fir my father.

She wants a 3 bed place so we can go and stay, and she wants it in a certain area so its quite hard to find something

OP posts:

ricecakesrule · 09/11/2011 13:54

Perhaps she should go and see an IFA to discuss investment possibilities? If your mum would be happy with a 'normal' care home if the need arises then there is no problem. But if she would want a say over which area it was in, so that it was close to you / friends, and if she is unlikely to be happy with a basic level of care, then it is in her interest to keep some of the money back for this.

Have you considered pooling resources at all? Would she move in with you? Could you reassure her that if she got a smaller place you would still come and visit and could stay in b and b's etc? A 3-bed seems a bit much for a lady on her own, increased fuel bills for heating etc.

Although it's a nice idea, as others have said, you do need to be realistic and work out how much rent would cost for the next 20 years and whether she can afford this with no income whilst spending the capital. It's not a case of being morally right, it's just making sure that the idea would work in practise.

WilsonFrickett · 09/11/2011 14:01

Well, it's the 3 bed place in a certain area that's the problem isn't it - she can't have that and go mad with her money. But she could buy something smaller - like a retirement place - and have plenty money left over to really really enjoy herself. She could also buy the 3 bed place and rent it out I suppose and spend the rent on cruises and holidays...

I think the point is life is long and as others have said, if you're lucky you could have another 30 years with her. But during part of those 30 years she may need some kind of care and believe you me, if she is stuck in some NHS shithole of a 'nursing' home for 5 years you will regret this advice.

MissM · 09/11/2011 14:02

My mum is 70 and shows no signs of going any time soon. She's in a different position from your mum as she owns her house, but she goes off on a couple of trips a year to amazing places (latest being the Grand Canyon, has also included Macchu Picchu, China, Kenya, Galapagos Islands). She lives quite frugally the rest of the time so she can do her trips. Could your mum buy a place and have some money over/get some work to pay for having a good time too? Personally I agree with the 'live now worry later' approach if she's not had fun for a while!

NinkyNonker · 09/11/2011 14:04

I can see your dilemma, and completely agree that I would feel the same, and do to a degree about those who make no provision for themselves getting for free what those more prudent/luckier don't have to. It isn't the moral issue (frankly, stuff that, many others do!) it would just be wanting to cling onto that choice, especially having seen my Grandmothers' lives.

WhollyGhost · 09/11/2011 14:12

My grandmother is 98 and somehow still has a great social life, better than mine. She is actively involved in various clubs and societies and never misses a game of bridge. She manages her own household, but has not been upstairs in about five years. She's also not felt able to travel to see my new house, and it must be a good 20 years since she has shown any inclination to travel abroad or go on a cruise.

Your Mum is still relatively young at 67. She may well have another forty years or so to enjoy her independence. It would be a good idea for her to see a financial advisor and work out her options. I agree with the others, retirement flats are worth considering, because at her age, if she suddenly loses mobility, it is good to be in a place where she still has her independence. A lot of retirement flats around here have two bedrooms, allowing space for family to visit.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 09/11/2011 14:12

But shes not going to be an old lady in a house she wants to stay in with her husband.
Shes single and couldnt care less about a house, she says its just bricks and mortar!
I have looked at retirement properties but dont think its really her thing at this time, plus they start at £128k for a one bed apartment

OP posts:

WhollyGhost · 09/11/2011 14:23

Have a think about how long she'd be able to enjoy the lifestyle you imagine on £175k

there could be many more years of scrimping once it is gone

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