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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my ex DOESN'T need to know my business?

27 replies

ToastedPancake · 08/11/2011 14:13

I accept that I am in no way being U might actually be being U but this has just been driving me crazy and I have so many people telling me to do so many different things and I... ARRRRGH.

I'll try to be short.

Ex-DH and I split over a year ago, divorced for 7 months, 5 year old DD. We're civil to each other, text about DD and when to pick her up or drop her off, etc. I've been seeing this new man for a few weeks, nothing serious. Ex found out (probably from his sister as we have mutual friends) and rang me saying that I should have told him as he "has a right to know who's in his daughter's life". I explained that DD has not met NM (that's new man, not NetMums!) and won't do so unless it becomes serious. He said IWBU.

DD's birthday was last week and NM dropped in a present. No card and no name tag on it, just a blank present and said to give it to DD with the presents I'd gotten her if I wanted. I though it was sweet, mentioned it to my mum later that day.

So, where it gets bad: my mum loves ex. She practically runs a fan-club for him and often took his side during rows when we we married. Anyway, she told ex about the present and he called FURIOUS about it, saying he didn't believe NM hadn't been introduced, claimed that I had probably had him staying every night, he had the right to know what was going on if it involved DD, etc.

I took DD to his yesterday, first time we've been face-to-face since it all happened, he asked if NM was taking me out and where we were going in case there was an emergency with DD. I said I will have my mobile, no need for you to have restaurants number too, surely? He even asked if he could have NM's number in case mine was out of battery. I said no of course.

So this morning my mum phoned to ask why I hadn't told ex where I was going and this MUST mean I'm "guilty" (of what? Being a single woman and going on a date?) or doing something I've told ex I'm not (eh?).

I'm going to pick DD up at 3.30 and I'm just dreading it because I know he'll bombard me with questions again and it really has nothing to do with him, does it? I've just told him point blank to stop but he won't. I can take DD quickly and leave but then he'll send me texts asking where I am/who I'm with.

I mean, we're not even married anymore! Why should he know about my love life unless it affected DD? My mum is saying to just tell him but why should I? Do I have to? Can't I just live my life the way I want to? Does he still have to be this big a part of my life?

OP posts:

Original poster

ToastedPancake · 08/11/2011 14:13

Look how long that is sorry!

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 08/11/2011 14:16

YANBU
HIBVVVU
and don't tell your mum things you don't want to get back to your ex or you'll just get more and more nonsense off the pair of 'em.

MenopausalHaze · 08/11/2011 14:16

Your mum seriously needs to step back and stickybeak out don't you think? Perhaps if she wasn't encouraging him he wouldn't feel entitled to behave like this?

bumpybecky · 08/11/2011 14:16

YANBU

Ex-H ahs got your mobile number, he can contact you, he doesn't need to have you fitted with a motion tracking device, just in case

I suggest you stop telling your Mum anything personal and do not mention NM again to her unless totally necessary. How :( that she can't support you.

BlueRedGreen · 08/11/2011 14:17

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing, be proud of yourself and accept that he ovbiously still has issues/ feelings around your relationship (understandably, I think, but I'd only cut him a little bit of slack, and not for very long!), and perhaps just tell your mum less about your new relationship than you would like to in an ideal world.

Iloveagoodroast · 08/11/2011 14:18

YADNBU! He has no right to ask where you are, anytime! As long as you are contactable in case of emergency when DD is with him, that is quite suffice.
Let him believe what he wants, you are doing the right thing by your DD.
And tbh i would be just as furious with your mum, she has no right to run telling tales to your EX! Do you have a strained relationship with her?

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 08/11/2011 14:18

You're mum needs to back off.

I think it's still early days and exes often get a bit prickly when a new person in involved. Your exDH has no right to know where you are going with NM or to have his number, but I do think he has a right to know that you are seeing someone else and that someone will be introduced to his DD at some point.

I'm sure you'd expect nothing less from him.

Sounds like your mum's busybodying is more of an issue though.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/11/2011 14:19

There must be a manual somewhere for exes, this is such standard controlling behaviour. YANBU, he and your mum are.

troisgarcons · 08/11/2011 14:20

tell tham it's all very hush, hush - you cant let the cat out of the bag, the media will havea field day what with you being Prince Harrys new floozie

SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 08/11/2011 14:23

How dare your Mother put you in that situation.
Fine, if she gets on with ex and wants to remain in contact thats up to her but to go running telling tales I wouldn't accept this from a friend, from family I'd hit the roof.

As you said you're single and what you do when your daughter is with her Dad is of no one business but your own. Once you're contactable thats fine.

tell them all very politely and dignifiedly to sod off

Icelollycraving · 08/11/2011 14:25

Yanbu obviously. Exh is clearly hurt etc but doesn't have any rights over your private life.
The only thing you have been is a bit foolish in telling your mum if she is such a fan of your exh. Keep details to yourself until she needs to know.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 08/11/2011 14:27

YANBU

He doesn't need to know where you are, who you are with. You have told him NM and DD haven't been introduced yet and he will just have to accept that. Does she know you are seeing someone? I'm wondering if your ex will question her and leave her feeling confused and uncertain. What a tool he sounds! NM sounds nice though.

I agree with others to stop telling your mum anything at all about NM.

ChameleonCircuit · 08/11/2011 14:28

I'm gobsmacked at your ex but even more so at your mother!!

I reckon you should text:MYOFB. See how they like that!

eurochick · 08/11/2011 14:36

I'm sorry your mum is being so unsupportive.

You are behaving well, which is more than can be said for either of them.

BlessedaretheCheesemakers · 08/11/2011 14:38

My ex tried all these types of guilt trips on me. Amazing how he backed off when he started seeing someone. I only found out when my DC met her, totally the opposite behaviour than he expected from me.
Your mother is totally out of order telling tales. I'd go non-contact for a while, if she asks why tell her it will continue until she can be trusted not to go behind your back. Be honest & tell her u are hurt by her behaviour & won't resume contact unless you feel you can trust her.
On phone so apologies for any typos.

whackamole · 08/11/2011 14:38

YANBU. Of course you are not!

I wonder how ex would react if the shoe was on the other foot and he had been seeing someone new for a while? Would he be happy for you to have her number etc? And would he be introducing her to your mum!

AmberLeaf · 08/11/2011 14:54

Regarding your new relationship he is being V unreasonable- do not give him an inch or he will be on your back constantly.

None of your business

Repeat to fade..........................

I can sort of see why he was miffed about the present, but he is clearly having trouble detaching from you so im not sure if thats really about your DD anyway.

celebmum · 08/11/2011 15:07

Your mother is BVVVUR tell her to butt out (or as posted above don't tell her things you don't want to get back to xDh)

I think X is being abit OTT but he's correct when he says he has a right to know who's in his childs life (appreciate you've said NM isn't yet) but for future when he is I agree that him and X should perhaps meet? If the shoe was on my foot IYKWIM and my DH had a new wife I'd want to know who was tucking my DS in at night.

But this early on in the NM relationship X i BU!

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 08/11/2011 15:17

Your mother needs a lesson in keeping her nose out, don't see her or speak to her for a couple of weeks!

Your Ex has a right to know what is going on with his DD and quite rightly does not want a secession of men in and out of her life, but as that is not what is going on and it sounds like you are being very responsible then I think he needs to take a step back and let you find your single feet and do the same himself

PiousPrat · 08/11/2011 16:38

He has a right to ASK if your NM has met your DD and what your plans are wrt to them meeting. He doesn't have a right to DEMAND to know though, or to expect to be kept apprised of your every movement when your DD is with him.

If he carries on asking for a breakdown of your schedule when he has DD, I would be inclined to do the same back to him. I am assuming from your post that DD is with you the majority of the time, so it would get really wearing for him really quickly if you text him all day, every day demanding to know the far end of a fart. That might bring the message home to him that he is being unreasonable quicker than repeatedly pointing it out to him

It may be that he is just a bit thrown by it all though, if this is the first NM you have had since splitting up he might just be getting defensive of someone else spending more time with your DD than he is, and has gone overboard and not stopped to think that actually, he is being a bit of a cock. With any luck, a quick chat about boundaries and letting him know that when DD meets NM, you will let him know and will see about arranging a meet up for them both.

mayorquimby · 08/11/2011 16:48

Not unreasonable at all.
He's completely out of line and controlling, same way I feel about people who post on here claiming they have a right to meet their ex-h's new partners etc.

Minus273 · 08/11/2011 16:56

YANBU, I had the same problem with XH wanted to know my every move.

Your ex doesn't shock me but your Mum does. I think you need to keep her at arms length for a bit and not tell her things until she learns to but out.

Original poster

ToastedPancake · 08/11/2011 17:07

Wow, lots of great posts on here, thank you! Sorry I had to post and ditch but had a few errands to do before picking up DD.

To those (too many to name!) asking about my mum; we've had our problems. I really needed her throughout the end of my marriage, even just to talk to, but she was convinced that "talking things through" would somehow solve everything when all the talking had already been done. We tried to sort things out after and she apologized and now this... I hold my hands up I shouldn't have told her anything but I never even thought it would lead to this.

@PiousPrat; this is the first NM since we split, which is why I'm taking it so slowly and trying not to rush into anything. I do like NM and I would be pleased if he was in my life for a big longer but I'm not in a rush to move him in or have him tucking DD into bed just yet.

@Minus273; did things get better for you with your XH?

About to read over your replies again...

OP posts:

HeatSeekingMelons · 08/11/2011 18:06

I agree with the consensus OP. Ex H and M ABVU.

NM sounds rather thoughtful - I hope it works out well.

Gonzo33 · 08/11/2011 18:13

My exh was exactly like this. Tell your exh that it is none of his business until he gets the message and stop telling your Mum anything about NM. I do feel for you because it sounds like you have no support. Good luck with it all.

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