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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let another 17yo boy live with us?

25 replies

timothysmokes · 08/11/2011 11:40

DS1 bestfriend (they have been friends since they were 3) family is moving to the other end of the country as the Dad has just been promoted and relocated. Im happy for them. They are moving straight after christmas
DS1 and bestfriend are in upper 6.

Anyway we are friends as parents anyway. and both BF parents have said that while other DC feels odd about moving their son (DS1 bestfriend) is especially worried as he doesn't ant to move so far away during this last year with Alevels etc especially with only 2 terms left.

Anyway DS1 said to us that maybe we could think about having friend stay with us for the rest of year.
We have a spare room, he gets on very well with our other DCs and is a lovely young man generally.

Anyway the boys obviously where talking about it and bestfriends parents got wind.

They have come to talk with us abut it anway we all got talking and actually they would be okay with it (would give us money towards food, extra costs with having him here and pay extra for their son to go on our 2nd car insurance)

Anyway they said that we could let it settle and truely think about it before coming to a decision

AIBU to let him stay for the rest of school year after Christmas holidays? It's another mouth to feed? Would I have to parent another one (to the existing 4)? Would we have to do parent things - sign forms, check work, help revise if he needs it?

I don't know

AWBreallyreallystupid?

OP posts:

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 08/11/2011 11:51

I would. I have in fact, under slightly different circumstances - we "took in" an extra teenager, and didn't regret it. You just need to sort out a few ground rules - what you expect from him, how you would react if he did something "naughty" for want of a better word and so on. We just said that the extra would be treated as we treat our own and subject to the same rules as they were and it worked out fine :) We did accept a token amount of board money from her mother, if I could have afforded not to, I would have refused it but we just couldn't afford to pay for everything. She also had her own spending money and managed that for herself.

mummytime · 08/11/2011 11:54

This sounds perfectly fine. You need to lay down a few ground rules, maybe have a family meeting with all your kids to discuss it, and how it will work.

YANBU but you are to put this in AIBU. If everyone is in agreement then I really don't see a problem, and actually its a very nice thing to do for his future, which could be really wrecked if he has to move.

HattiFattner · 08/11/2011 11:57

i think you should get some sort of guardianship written up legally - a power of attorney? dunno....but so that in an emergency, you could approve medical treatment, and so you could sign whatever things needed to be signed, the school could talk to you about his progress.

I think you would have to be quite strict on boys social time - up to now they have hung out together, but there will be a temptation to hang rather than work.

Like pombear says, you need to set expectations - room tidy, bed made, clothes in laundry, if you use the last of the sugar, tell someone.....that kind of thing.

Original poster

timothysmokes · 08/11/2011 11:57

thanks

it isn't that mummy I know my parents think we are crazy and even though we are in agreement (esp DD1 who has a bit of a crush on him) I kind of wanted to know if we were too close to it to really see how it would effect us and if we were crazy. If that makes sence.

OP posts:

JAMW · 08/11/2011 11:59

What a stupid question to ask on here. Talk to your other DC's and DH to see how they feel. Don't ask a bunch of strangers who know nothing about you, how you get along with them, your financial situation etc etc etc.
Or just go on chat and ask if anyone else has had a child not their own stay with them.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/11/2011 12:00

I think it is a lovely thing to do.

Do you and the other parents have the same ideas about rules, behaviour and expectations?

Will your DD having a crush on him add an extra pressure?

scaryteacher · 08/11/2011 12:01

What a nice person you are OP! I would do it, especially if you have known and liked the lad for a long time. In reality, there is one term of hard work after Christmas and then it is revision, and at least they will be able to work together. The lad would be going home for half terms and Easter hols, and disappearing again in June. You would also be doing him a huge favour for the start of the rest of his life by allowing him to get his A levels now, rather than re sitting his upper sixth again, even if he can find a college that does the same exam boards and modules.

We have this scenario in two years which is why I am hoping ds will board for sixth form, compounded by the fact we are abroad...

AMumInScotland · 08/11/2011 12:03

YANBU - it sounds like a good solution. You'll just need to think about some of the ground-rules so that he understands how things work in your household. eg when is bedtime, who gets to pick the tv channel, what chores do you expect done. You'll need to treat this lad as you do your own ones to be fair - same rights, same responsibilities - if he's going to be there longterm.

I don't know the position on signing forms - his parents may need to contact the school to see whether they are fine with you singing everything, or if there are things theyd need the actual parents to sign.

Checking work and revising - well I guess you'll have to play it by ear on that one - let him know you're happy to help, but let him decide how much involvement he'd like. By 17 I had no involvement in what my DS was doing, apart from checking that he had a plan and was working to it, but I know it varies a lot.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 08/11/2011 12:05

JAMW dont be an arsehole. she is posting for opinions. of course she will have spoken to her other dcs and DH. do you honestly think she would make this decision based solely on the response she gets here? idiot.

OP i think it's a good idea. both sets of parents are happy with it. agree with others. discuss ground rules and discuss with his parents what should happen WRT signing forms and if he gets in trouble.

PiousPrat · 08/11/2011 12:09

It doesn't have to be too disruptive for you if you are careful about laying down the ground rules before he moves in.

My Nan took in a variety of waifs and strays when her kids were younger, mostly friends of her 7 kids, but there were a couple of war orphans who had been living rough and she practically dragged them to hers for a bath and meal and they somehow never left. She said she was always very VERY clear of the house rules and that they would be treated the same as her own kids and with the exception of one kid, they all turned out marvellously and through the years she gained several honorary grandchildren and always had a plumber/sparky/bricky around who owed her a favour

If you have the space and he is generally a good kid, I would say have at it. It is only for 6 months and it could well make all the difference in the world to this kid.

VirgoGrr · 08/11/2011 12:12

My brother lived with his friend's family for 6 months to finish his O levels when we had to move house. My parents paid board for him. Worked out fine for him, them and was a sensible solution to keep some stability for him. You'll be doing them a big favour and I'm sure they'll love you for it.

feckfeckfeckfeck · 08/11/2011 12:31

YANBU (obviously, it's hardly the riskiest and most daring of plans, is it? 2 terms, nice kid?)

I'd be keeping a close eye on dd1 if she fancies him though, unless she's, like, 6 or something.

Original poster

timothysmokes · 08/11/2011 13:03

original I think generally we do - we share the same views on things out of parenting as well so I don't believe we are that different
feckfeck nope she's 16 (lower 6) and when they are together they constantly act flirty (always have) I know hers is a bit of a crush but as she just flirts back when he flirts - that could get awkward.

Okay ground rules - got it thanks

OP posts:

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 08/11/2011 13:22

YANBU at all. It would be a great thing and as long as the lad knows the rules in your home, it will be fine I am sure!

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 08/11/2011 13:24

JAMW that's what we do on MN....ask questions so we can get the advice of strangers. hy are you even here if you think that's odd?

warthog · 08/11/2011 13:27

i would do it although would slightly worry about the 16yo's crush.

ground rules, yes. can't really see any negs unless he's struggling academically.

how are his grades? is he likely to need a lot of help? if he doesn't do well in a-levels are his parents likely to blame you?

that's all i can think of.

JAMW, you're being a bit of a knob. that's kind of the point of mumsnet! to get strangers' opinions. an unbiased point of view.

EdithWeston · 08/11/2011 13:37

This happened to someone I was at school with, who moved in with another family part way through Upper Sixth. It worked out fine.

You presumably know this family well and you all like their DS (possibly too much in the case of DD!). They have offered to cover costs, and as they like your DS too you must be roughly on the same wavelength - not least to have both brought up DSes who have thought of such a sensible and humane plan, and seem to have sold it so tactfully to everyone.

Yes, you will need to set ground rules, and get a recognisable agreement allowing you to consent for eg medical treatment in case of emergency. As they're over 16 I don't think you have to formally register as private fostering, but you will need to let the school know and satisfy anything they ask for as underpinnings.

I'd do it. It will make the most enormous difference to this boy and his exam chances.

ZonkedOut · 08/11/2011 13:39

I think it's a lovely thing to do, with his parents moving, his life is going to be disrupted whatever, and this seems like a great solution to minimize that. I don't think it's brokers at all, as long as you're reasonably sure he'll get on ok in your house.

I don't expect an extra mouth to feed would make a big difference going from 6 to 7 of you, unless he eats like a horse!

I would definitely check what you need to be able to approve emergency medical treatment, I'm not sure what else you'd need, since he's technically an adult.

PattySimcox · 08/11/2011 13:43

OP you are lovely - I was that boy 25 years ago but had to move with my parents and it buggered my education as I had to resit the whole of sixth form as the exam boards etc were different at my new school.

Few months in I was bored and isolated and dropped out.

Agree ground rules and let him know the consequences - send him back to his parents if he is a pita

NatashaBee · 08/11/2011 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3littlefrogs · 08/11/2011 13:44

I would. I have, over the years, taken in various friends of my Dss who for one reason or another have needed a place to stay, including one who was in serious distress and homeless.

I would hope that someone would do that for my child if they ever needed help.

In fact, I have an "extra one" living here at the moment.

I would discuss it carefully with all parties, agree all the ground rules and conditions, make sure everyone understands, and go for it.

ragged · 08/11/2011 13:45

I would do it, OP :).
I know someone who did something similar with a lad who ended up staying for years (in a good way). He was an adopted son in effect. Very nice guy.

BornSicky · 08/11/2011 13:51

My mum did and I truly believe that the lad in question would have had a very difficult time if she hadn't volunteered to care for him.

speaking as one of the children at the time - i really liked having a new "brother" around and though there were a few spats, none of it turned bad.

I still keep in touch with him now, and he is definitely an extra member of our family.

agree with everyone else about ground rules etc. when the lad came to us, he knew it was under our house rules, and not his old ones, so there wasn't any "we don't do it like this at my house... blahdiblah".

idrilis · 08/11/2011 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMap · 08/11/2011 14:10

Set out the ground rules. Inform him if he will be treated as you treat your own children. Be clear with his parents what you expect in terms of financial support and other conditions you might impose on him.

If you start out with everything understood on both sides you should not have many problems. You are doing a great thing for this boy and I wish you well.

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