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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A little hurt.

19 replies

Abouttime · 08/11/2011 10:35

Me & dp have been together 3 years but its been a very on/off relationship. We moved in together in May when i gave birth to our daughter.
I have 2 bro's & 1 sis, sis is married , 1 bro is in a long term relationship & 1 bro has just started seeing someone. None of them have kids.

I buy birthday pressies & xmas pressies for all of my siblings & their partners.
It was DP birthday yesterday & my sis & 1 bro bougt him a card but no present & the other bro didn't bother at all.

AIBU to have expected a gift, even a small £5 Lynx gift set? It is BIL birthday in 2 weeks & im considering doing the same!

I can't believe i actually feel hurt by their actions. DP is an only child with no other family.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 08/11/2011 10:39

My siblings are lucky if I manage to purchase a card for them or their partner. We're all in our 30's

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest so I'd say YABU.

littlemonkeybix · 08/11/2011 10:41

I get cards off DP's family, and a gift off his parents. DP gets a card off my family, and a gift off my parents.

It kind of started that way, and carried on... and the only exception was for a "big" birthday... I got showered with TONS for my 30th (YAY)

I know where you're coming from with feeling hurt, but especially with it being on/off, people often are not sure of boundaries. Maybe a quick word with your family to clear the air and discuss what you thought would be the boundaries for pressy giving?

I think you are a little bit unreasonable, mainly due to the on/off factor.

AtYourCervix · 08/11/2011 10:41

YABU lynx is vile

pictish · 08/11/2011 10:43

Yabu, sorry.

I'm not one for cards and gifts except to those very close to me, be it friend or family.

If your dp isn't especially close to your siblings then by my standards, you shouldn't expect a fuss made by them on his birthday.

HeidiKat · 08/11/2011 10:44

YABU, the rule in my family is that once a couple has DCs then the DCs are bought for and their parents are not, if your family are buying for your DD then fair enough, people don't have unlimited money.

spookshowangellovesit · 08/11/2011 10:48

hmmmmm its tricky, i assume you buy your siblings dp's gifts in order to make them feel welcome and because you like them and feel it important etc. not everyone has the same lvl of expectations. do they know/like your dp?
its not the same for everyone and you need to decided if you want to continue to do this for their dp's if its going to make you feel resentful.

pictish · 08/11/2011 10:49

Quite - I'd not thank you for being expected to waste a tenner on a card and token gesture pressie for someone I'm not that close to.

Your dp is not a child, and can live without cards and pressies.

Incidentally, while those people like yourself OP, who go to the effort for others are being really kind, I'm afraid to say I personally find it a pita, as I feel I have to reciprocate when I haven't the money or the inclination to.

My dh's aunt is like this - gives cards and pressies to everyone and anyone, and rather than viewing it as kind, I can't help but feel she backs people into a corner with it.

You clearly feel your kindness should be reciprocated OP, and maybe it should, but for someone like me it's a hassle I can do without.

Original poster
Abouttime · 08/11/2011 11:00

OK opinion seems to suggest I abu so do i just buy cards, not bother with cards or still continue to buy cards & pressies for them all?
They are all adults in their twenties & thirties.
They are all DINKS and not poor if this makes a difference.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 08/11/2011 11:02

Continue to buy what every you want to give.

Does your DP actually buy them cards and prezzies too?

DeWe · 08/11/2011 11:04

We give to actual brothers and sisters but not to the partners. I don't think your dp lack of siblings has any weight to it.

PopcornMouse · 08/11/2011 11:10

Wow, Heidi, I thought we were the only family that does that (DP thinks it's stingy??) -- my family also only buys for adults til they have kids, then all the ££/presents goes to the kids.

Anyway. YABU.

spookshowangellovesit · 08/11/2011 11:11

if you view it as a duty, then i would say just do cards. but if you do it because you want to and like to then keep it up.what do you feel comfortable with?

Groovee · 08/11/2011 11:14

I have 2 sisters and a brother and we haven't given birthday/christmas gifts since we all had children. As soon as you have a child we don't give gifts. I have 6 nieces and 2 nephews on my side and dh has 2 nephews. It all adds up. To me it doesn't really matter anymore as long as my dh doesn't forget.

SamWidgiz · 08/11/2011 11:23

My bro always expexts me to send him, his wife and his DS cards. If I forget, I get reminded.

He never sends my DH or DD a card. Doesn't bother me except for the fact that he gets in a strop if I don't sent cards to them. :s

Personally I don't think birthdays are the be all and end all.

HeidiKat · 08/11/2011 11:28

Popcorn, great minds think alike Wink. I am really quite relieved now that most of my family and friends have children, DCs are much easier to buy for than adults they are impressed with pretty much any plastic tat present. Even more so this year as I have just found out I have no job to return to after maternity leave.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/11/2011 11:42

SamW - it is time you pulled your brother up on that.

septembergirl17 · 08/11/2011 11:43

I would say that if they have not bought a pressie for your DP then you would make them embarrassed/ackward if you bought your BIL a pressie. Best be guided by what they do. They would not be expecting a present if they did not bother for your DP

fuzzynavel · 08/11/2011 11:51

Blimey, don't things get nebulous.

We just get immediate family cards (if we remember), if not send a text saying oops!

Depends who's going where at xmas and if say for instance my sis' dp will be there he gets a token tree gift.

kids get pressies.

Original poster
Abouttime · 08/11/2011 11:54

Ok, card & pressie it is, don't think i would be comfortable changing things now.

SamW i would def say something in your shoes.

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