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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder who brought the STD into the relationship?

30 replies

MeconiumHappens · 08/11/2011 09:48

I'm puzzling and could do with someone in the know's opinion on this.

My friend is in a long term (12 years) relationship. The past year has been rocky for one reason and another, culminating in her 'playing away' for a couple of months about 3 months ago. She assures me she used condoms, but i guess you never know. Her partner found out and it all came to a stop.
Shortly afterwards her partner developed some symptoms, was tested and positive for an std, she doesnt know which one. She then went to the clinic for treatment and when she was screened she came back clear. She was treated preventatively with an injection in her bum and antibiotics, if that throws any light on what it was.

Her partner lays the blame squarely at her door that she caught this from the other man and passed it to him. However, if she didnt have the std, could she have passed it to him without contracting it herself? Or is it possible he had a 'revenge' shag elsewhere and caught it?

Sorry for introducing std's over breakfast ;)

OP posts:

worraliberty · 08/11/2011 09:51

I'm guessing it probably depends on the type of STD?

Perhaps some physical symptoms show quicker in men than they do in women?

EdlessAllenPoe · 08/11/2011 09:52

impossible to say without knowing which std?

if she didn't know....the anti-bs would be in case of chlamydia/ gonorreah and the injection..don't know..

herpes, genital warts you can be symptomless carrier..

chlamydia can be symptomless..

basically she could have caught sthing and passed it on without having symptoms herself.

Original poster

MeconiumHappens · 08/11/2011 09:55

But she was tested for it, and came back negative, so it wasnt just that she was symptomless.

OP posts:

FairCopGuv · 08/11/2011 09:57

The jab in the bum is for gonnorhea and the tablets are for chlamydia.
Thr fact she tested negative but he tested positive.... Well, he may be the one to have brought it into the relationship!

Nothing to be ashamed of, everyone should have regular tests :)

HairyGrotter · 08/11/2011 09:57

Is the 'friend' you?

Not sure why it'd be of concern to you if not? But, I'd be a bit suspect if my results came back negative, although I'd discuss this with my GP or nurse etc.

caramelwaffle · 08/11/2011 10:01

Have no answers as to the Original post (that's one for a doctor or nurse to answer) however, MeconiumHappens - really clever nickname Like it.

Original poster

MeconiumHappens · 08/11/2011 10:02

Ha, no its not me. I know the old "my friend..yada yada". But she's so busy self loathing for shagging someone else that she didnt seem to see the issue, but for me alarm bells are ringing.

OP posts:

Original poster

MeconiumHappens · 08/11/2011 10:02

ha, thanks caramel :)

OP posts:

IgnoringTheChildren · 08/11/2011 10:05

She would have to be infected herself to pass something on.

Without knowing which STD it's rather difficult to speculate what went on, however some infections which can be spread though sexual contact can also be unrelated to sex.

A boyfriend of mine had a very stubborn NSU - non-specific urinary infection which took several visits to doctors, unpleasant tests and a couple of different antibiotics to clear up. I was tested but didn't have it. He definitely wasn't "playing away"!

If it's a true STD then I can only assume he has been "revenge shagging".

TipOfTheSlung · 08/11/2011 10:06

The fact hes making more of the having got the std than the fact she cheated makes me think hes attacking as defense.

Original poster

MeconiumHappens · 08/11/2011 10:08

See this is what im wondering. I feel really bad that she is getting a really hard time in the relationship for being the one who played away, when perhaps he has been doing a bit of 'revenge shagging'.

OP posts:

WineAndPizza · 08/11/2011 10:18

Some STDs can be fought off by your immune system so it may be that she had it, had no symptoms, passed it on and by the time she was tested it was clear.

EricNorthmansMistress · 08/11/2011 10:53

There is no test for herpes so if it was herpes he had then she may have contracted it with no symptoms and passed it to him. However if it was syphilis or chlamydia or something I'd say she couldn't have given it to him if he was pos and she was neg.

brianmayshair · 08/11/2011 10:57

As someone else has said the treatment was for chlamydia and gonorrhoea which she could not have given him if she tested negative.

Original poster

MeconiumHappens · 08/11/2011 11:11

how do we have this 'little chat'

OP posts:

Original poster

MeconiumHappens · 08/11/2011 11:18

No, im not saying anything. She's a smart girl, she could have worked this out for herself if she wanted to.

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 08/11/2011 11:33

There certainly are tests/swabs for herpes, I've had to have them. It can however be asymptomatic for many years. But the thread doesn't seem to be about herpes at the moment. MH I'm sure your friend will work it out eventually, and may well need you when she does.

EricNorthmansMistress · 08/11/2011 11:42

There are tests for herpes if you have a symptom, and there is a test for herpes anti-bodies which may indicate presence of herpes (though if you have had it a long time the level of anti-bodies may be too low to show up) but there isn't a blood test that will show herpes, that is commonly used in STI clinics.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/11/2011 11:49

I'd start with - "You do realise that since you didn't have , he couldn't have got it from you? And if not from you - who?" And stop there, because if you throw in that she's being given a harder time by her DP than she deserves, she'll only hear that and start protesting.

She can't argue with the logic, and maybe once she starts seeing that she's being blamed for something she didn't do, she'll be able to put the self-loathing aside and they can get on with their relationship more honestly. They might get past their infidelities, they might not. If they do, maybe what made them rocky in the first place can be overcome, maybe it can't. But as it stands, she sounds as if she's shouldering the entire responsibility for this mess, when it should be shared, in whatever proportions.

WibblyBibble · 08/11/2011 13:23

Honest to god, does it really matter at this point? At least one of them has cheated, they're clearly being dickish to each other, they either need to both decide to stop or it's over. An STD (one which is curable, at least) really isn't the main issue.

elfiro · 08/11/2011 13:30

Why does she not know which STD he was tested for? I find that very weird.

catonlap · 08/11/2011 16:09

The tests for STIs do not have 100% pick up rate, so it is possible to have an infection and the test fail to pick it up giving a false negative result. So I guess possible that she did have an infection but got false negative result or that he caught it from else where.

EdlessAllenPoe · 08/11/2011 20:44

there is a test for active herpes, but you need to have sores at the time.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/11/2011 20:49

It's like most contagious diseases, you have to have them to pass them on.

She will most likely realise deep down whats happened but it's wanting to see whats happened that is the issue.

I'd stay out of it it's her relationship.

EdlessAllenPoe · 08/11/2011 21:09

actually you can have virus on the skin (it is estimated some 5% have herpes on their lips without symptoms) without sores. but contagion is more likely with active sores or in the immediate period after.

it is weird he wouldn't tell her. if he had chlamydia and she didn't, then i'd think he'd been playing away.

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