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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say something to school R.E. what DD2 said?

27 replies

Idontdoflamingos · 08/11/2011 00:22

Wasn't sure if I should post this but I really can't see if doing this WBU or wouldn't.

DS1 has got a new project in school of family trees - they are doing it bit by bit. So they are doing names and birthdays first, then photos, then little facts about them etc.
So anyway DS1 asks if he can see the 'big tree' (I have one of those computer programmes with a massive one) So I bring it up and while he is looking at it and coping stuff done the other DCs gather around to see what he is looking at.
Anyway they ask about people and stuff, and names (some are very unpronouncable)
DD2 says 'why is Uncle there?' (meaning my DBro)
Well because he is Mammys Brother.
'No he's not.'

Anyway this soon decends to yes he is no he isn't from the DCs so send them all away, DS1 finishs coping down and I close it down.

So tucking DD1 into bed I ask her why she said that.

Basically she is learning about families in school and well basic genetics - as in what member of your family do you look like, if you have blue eyes what parent has blue eyes that sort of things and also about different families - religion, colour, race - hopefully you get the picture.
And 'uncle.. doesn't look anything like GP or you'
Well you don't look like DS2 and he's still your brother

'But Uncle is black'

anyway I say again yes, but he is adopted etc etc. But he and Mammy are very alike (which we are) and uncle can draw like GD. (we have been though the whole uncle was adopted and what it means before)

She then keeps going on about the fact he can't be my DBro and so can't be her uncle because he is black. and there are black families and white families and pink families and yellow families (her exact words). 'But it doesn't matter Mammy it doesn't matter they are all wonderful but he can't be in our family - we can't be related'

It was late I was gobsmaked said that Uncle was Mammys big brother and that colour doesn't matter in families and that he is my family and is theirs. She opened her mouth to speak again I just said goodnight. (I know very bad)

I know it hit a raw nerve about DBro not being my Brother.
they see DBro and his family a lot (they live very close - our DCs will eventually be in same high school as the one his DCs go to) I don't want her to say that to DBro (after all the shit he got when he was younger)

AIBU to say something to the school? or do I just leave it and somehow deal with it only at home? (she is at the stage of what teacher says is gospel)

OP posts:
thatboysmum · 08/11/2011 00:43

I would probably have a little word with her teacher and just explain your conversation. I would imagine they would bring it up with her and try and get her to understand it a little better.

tabulahrasa · 08/11/2011 00:49

If it was me I'd mention it in passing the next time I spoke to her teacher, but not go specially...though if it's upsetting you, there's nothing wrong with saying something.

They've clearly been over different types of family and it's not been said that families can also be mixed, so your DD's taken it exactly as said and come up with her interpretation. Which children do a lot, lol. DD and me once had a raging argement over whether potatoes are vegetables, her teacher told her they didn't count as one of your five a day...well you can guess the rest, rofl.

Original poster
Idontdoflamingos · 08/11/2011 00:53

Okay - I would have to make a special trip though into school (me and DH never pick the DCs up straight from school - by the time we get there teachers are usually gone.)

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 08/11/2011 00:59

Go in then or send in a wee note telling the teacher that DD's got a bit muddled about families and as yours has a mixed heritage, can they make sure DD gets it straight from the teacher that that's ok as she won't believe you.

It shouldn't be an issue, just the teacher won't have thought to mention it - bet she'll not forget next time she does that though, lol

missingmumxox · 08/11/2011 01:01

bottom line, he is your brother, second give him a bell, and ask how he has dealt with this issue with his children, as they must have done the same thing, deal with it together as well as with the school,

Original poster
Idontdoflamingos · 08/11/2011 01:17

technically tabulahrasa not mixed heritage - DBro is black, me and Dparents are white. DBro was adopted. Which I suppose adds more confusion to DD.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleep · 08/11/2011 02:08

Is your DD year3 (7yo)?

I would just say to her that he's not your brother biologically, that Nana & Grandad aren't his biological parents, but they are his adoptive parents so he is your brother because they adopted him & that makes him just as much a part of your family as you are.

nooka · 08/11/2011 02:35

I think that your dd is just being very literal. Because she is right she isn't related by blood to her uncle. At this age they can be horribly pedantic and what the teacher says can be much much more important to them than what you as a parent say. Which in general can be very annoying and in this case very hurtful, especially if your DBro had a tough time fitting in. But your dd may not understand this at all (if she is 7 as Chipping suggests).

If you don't see regularly the teacher then I'd give your dd a note (in a sealed envelope) and ask her to talk about adoptions when she does the next session on family trees. Or ring the school and ask i the teacher could possibly give you a call after school so you can talk to her about it.

The other thing you could do is have a follow up conversation with your dd and explain why you were upset at her idea that your brother wasn't really your brother. This might sound a little crass, but do you have a pet? Might your dd get the idea if you asked her how she would feel if you told her the pet wasn't really a part of your family (my dd was totally devoted to our cats at that age)?

Stupify64 · 08/11/2011 02:48

She's applying logic & she's discovered the joy of science, where things are always more defined. Sounds like technically she's right, but family is a loosely-woven term.

Stupify64 · 08/11/2011 02:55

what chipping said the 'can't be in our family' would seem to be line with a genetic requirement rather than what she really feels to be family.

HauntedHengshanRoad · 08/11/2011 03:19

The idea of a project like this makes me feel a little uncomfortable, especially with picking out genetic likenesses. I'm adopted myself, and being confronted with that at school would have really upset me.

I hope this works out for you. It sounds like a tricky situation.

kakapo · 08/11/2011 03:45

In case you're concerned about DD2 response it sounds normal to me, she's just being logical. I would tell her that in one (small) way she's right - genetically speaking, your Dbro isn't related. And then go on to stress that family isn't about genetics. If she continues after that I would tell her it is upsetting.

MrsUnassumingTroll · 08/11/2011 04:20

A teacher told me years ago that they stopped teaching the thing about whether or not you can roll your tongue in Biology, because once a pupil went home and found out he/she could, but neither parent could (or it might be the other way round).

And that is how they found out they were adopted.

Sorry to digress. As you were.

tabulahrasa · 08/11/2011 08:13

Idontdoflamingos - I put of mixed heritage purely because it covers lots of things, as if your DD's thought that way other children may have as well and it gives the teacher the chance to make sure the class knows that families don't have to be all the same. :)

Towndon · 08/11/2011 08:17

Sounds like they touched on the subject of genetics but haven't clearly distinguished between "genetically related" and "in your family".

Worth having a word with the teacher and asking if they could clarify this to the students, as surely it must be relevant to a number of students.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 08/11/2011 08:23

mrsunassumingtroll Shock feckin hell. What a way to find out. Poor kid :(

I was surprised when my friends Yr3/7yo was telling me about them doing their family tree. I would have thought that all schools would have dropped that, especially for kids so young, given the overwhelming number of blended families & their complexities these days. My friends 7yo is one of the few kids in her class that lives with both of her biological parents and doesn't have any half/step siblings. Some of them have been in tears over the whole thing. It's just not necessary to do it.

baskingseals · 08/11/2011 08:41

agree the school shouldn't have opened this particular can of worms.

I would say something, even just a phonecall.

Kayano · 08/11/2011 08:49

I'm adopted and knew about it all through growing up. I think if you have not addressed the matter this was bound to come up.

I remember - although knowing I was adopted anyway becoming v interested in people's eye colour at a certain age.

You should have had the adoption talk before now tbh

Kayano · 08/11/2011 08:51

And also YABU after all it was a lesson on genetics? Surely we can't not teach genetics to prevent children from openly asking about adoption?

Adoption is a GOOD THING and IMO deserves a lot more discussion than it gets

Towndon · 08/11/2011 08:51

That's not correct biology. The gene for blue eyes is recessive, so it may be that neither parent has blue eyes, but if they're both carriers of this gene the child could have blue eyes.

"if you have blue eyes what parent has blue eyes"

Kayano · 08/11/2011 08:55

And as for comments about 'oh what a dreadful way to find out you are adopted' - well IMO that's the parents fault for not educating and being honest with their kids. Leaves them open to 'shocking' discoveries ad IMO can lead to more issues down the line

Grumpla · 08/11/2011 08:57

Watching with interest as my husband is adopted and has other adoptions within his family as well.

Although your brother is adopted and therefore not "biologically" related, I do think you / the teacher need to address mixed-race families. That seems to be the key issue here - there can only be "White families" or "Black families" or whatever. Not sure why she would think that? Surely there are some kids in your daughter's school who have parents of different races?!?

There are loads of good kids books now with mixed-race families in (often incidental to the story line which is perhaps what your daughter needs to see if she has no "real life" examples - books where it is just a given rather than the focus of the story.)

You're right to be tackling and challenging these assumptions. Families are made of love, not blood!

claig · 08/11/2011 08:57

YABU. Agree with Kayano.
Adopted children also want to know what their genetic roots are.

FredFredGeorge · 08/11/2011 08:57

YANBU and should talk to the school, it's a pretty silly way to talk about families - especially with the simplified genetics they have to teach children (eye colour is not based on a single gene but interactions of lots) as Towndon said, they need to seperate out the discussion of family from the discussion of genetics.

2blessed2bstressed · 08/11/2011 08:58

Kayano - flamingos said in her original post that they have already discussed adoption and what it means.

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