To Get So Annoyed With My MIL?

[YorkshireTeaAddict]

OH LORDIE SHE DRIVES ME MAD!

Ok, so I understand that life sucks at time but does she really have to moan non stop when DH and I go and visit her? She is a nurse and HATES her job. Every time we go up she drags us down into her pit for a bit of a wallow, but frankly, I don't want to wallow with her!! DH and I always leave feeling really shite because she moans about work, about how rubbish life is, about how she wants to get married again, about how useless men are, about how horrible everyone is to her, about how she doesn't see us enough (we get up there once a week) and about how her friends moan to her about their life but "don't they see I have my problems?"!!

Don't get me wrong, I love her (kind of) and we put up with this for a LONG time, but now I have had enough. I literally have to drag DH up there to see her and it's just no good. What can I do? There are only so many times I can change the conversation on to something else. She does this annoying stare when she wants sypathy...it's like trying to avoid the eyes of a Basalisk!!

Plus her cooking is awful. Over cooked lamb with mushy veg anyone? No. I didn't think so. Ok, now I'm just being a bitch...

Oh, and on top of all this, my mum is seriously ill and she never asks after her!! Grumble grumble.

Help? Please tell me I'm not the only one?!

Unfort it's my mother who is like this... and it drives me insane too. MIL on the other hand is a radiator :)

Ditto zumm.

Some people dont even realise they are so negative - it can become almost a habit l think.

Then they alienate people or people avoid them so then l think they get even more of a 'woe is me' persecution complex. Its a downward spiral really l think.

Thats all really ( have no constructive advice just rambling really ) - as you were

I have a wonderful phrase for people like op's mil (although drain/radiator are brilliant too)- she is being a mood hoover - sucks all the good feeling out of everyone and creates negativity.

calling my dp a mood hoover on several occasions has worked far better than STFU :)

MOOD HOOVER! That's it!! Round of applause

Sounds like you are talking about my mum.

YTA Glad to spread the word!

My inlaws are known as the Dementors due to their incredible ability to suck the joy out of people. I'm a bit worried they're going to suck my soul out through my face so I always sit near the door in case I have to make a quick getaway.

Yorkshire, you have my sympathy. I used to have to visit my husband's grandmother every week. She wasn't just miserable though, she was evil.

OK - some questions:
Has she always been like this?
Why is she so negative?
Does she have any friends?
What does she do when you're not there?

Devilforasideboard

loving the mood hoover and drains/radiators!

In our house they are called emotional vampires

Some suggestions:
Plan A
Agree that everything is awful and let her go on and on, but use the time to make lists/plan meals/write a book etc in your head. Don't let yourself be dragged down. Put some music on that you can listen to or turn on the TV.
Plan B
Try and sort her out. Explore her ishoos. Tell her you've noticed how miserable she is and attack each and every complaint with a solution (as suggested by a previous poster). Encourage her to go swimming, jogging, singing, Brazilian war dancing. Go along with her to the local bingo/am dram soc/further ed college and leave her there

Plan C
You set the agenda. Change the subject, as suggested by another poster. Have a plan before you go to see her, decide what you're going to talk about and distract her.

I haven't tried any of the above, by the way - except that I did sometimes manage to get her talking about her life as a child, which was quite interesting.

Good luck.

Don't do Plan B - I spent my life trying Plan B (with my mother). it almost always led to arguments since her ishoos (or the way she expressed them - heavy drinking alert) frankly ruined my life when younger.

Conclude: do Plan D.

Plan D is to just say 'you sound like you're having a really hard time' and then follow Solo's Plan A while she rants on - i.e. put music on and don't be drawn in. Easier said than done. Know that if you do, you are saints, one and all.

PS, accept your mother or MIL is NOT going to be the way you'd like them to be. Oh and that everyone has summat likeable (sometimes deeply hidden, I admit) - so a radiator's trick is to try to focus on that aspect.

Oh and Plan E - Make sure you enjoy your own life (which may mean limiting contact). There you go. Our plan's almost worthy of Oprah, eh, Solo.

High five!