to think dp could do more round the house?

[familyfun]

dp tells me he does loads to help with kids, far more than most working dads so im not sure if he is right.
dp works 7-3 mon to fri but chooses to stay till 5 cos they are busy and he gets flexitime for it. im a sahm with dd1 4 and dd2 11 months.
i do breakfast, lunch, dinner, washing up, clothes washing/drying/ironing, clean bathroom, clean kitchen, play with dd2 and do various playgroups, dusting/hoovering, weeding the garden,
dp gets in and eats dinner which we have already finished, then he plays with kids 6-6.30 while i wash up etc, then i bath kids and he gets dd2 into pjs ready for me to bf and then reads dd1 stories and puts her to bed.
therefore he says he has no time on an evening. but once kids are in bed, i do ironing a couple of nights a week, internet shopping, school lunch every night, he sits on sofa.
sat and sunday he plays wit h kids and sits on sofa, i do meals, washing etc.
i have asked him to tidy the spare room which is piled high with his junk, he hant touched it. i have asked him to mow the lawn, he has done it once since august and is covered in leaves. i have to sort his piles of mail he leaves lying on the dining tabel and phone table and feel like he makes me more mess. he also comes homes for lunch, which involves me making his lunch, he eats it while i make him a cuppa, then he goes back to work, leaving me the washing up so no real help.
aibu as a sahm?

The longer I see threads like these, the more I can narrow the crux of the answer down to two questions.

1) How often (and for how long) is one parent in the house doing leisure things whilst the other one is working on household duties?

Example 1: him watching TV whilst you clean up dinner is you working, him leisure.
Example 2: him watching/interacting with children whilst you clean up dinner would fall into both working category in this household (because DH doesn't just sit in a bubble whilst they're in the living room - he's actually doing childcare).

Speaking generally, of course, and within context - I love supermarket shopping so don't count my afternoons of weekly shopping a "chore".

2) Do you get roughly the same amount of "you" time? This could be nights out with friends or time to spend on a hobby of yours.

That's really it.

mon-fri 7am-8pm i consider us both working, then 8pm till 9.30pm i work, he has leisure.
he sometimes goes to the gym after work/golf in summer/hobbies for a couple of hours a week so more leisure. when not bf i go to 1 class a week so get less me time.
weekends i feel he treats as 100% leisure although he looks after kids, ie he took dd1 to soft play sun while i had dd2, sat i too dd1 to park while he had dd2, but i still do housework, get school uniform ready, deal with homework, cards birthdays.
i supposei think he gets more me time.

its very tough to answer, everyone has differnet levels they can cope with, and its totally subjective. FWIW i don't think the odd things you want him to do are a big deal.

I'm sort of wondering why you have so much to do in the evenings and weekends. Maybe you are setting yourself very high standards? Seems to me that you should be able to "stop" at 8pm and enjoy your evening (maybe the very odd job, but not till 9.30 every night). Doesn't DD2 nap at all? So you have some time to yourself then.

At the weekend I'd suggested splitting the cooking between you. Other than incidental clearing up, what else is there to do?

OH - and stop making him lunch - alternate at least.

it annoys me when dd2 sleeps for an hour, i take dd1 to do homework or something crafty that she cant do when baby is around or we go and do weeding and he sits on sofa relaxing.

dd2 naps 30 mins a day and is currently ill so very demanding at night too. in the day i basically stick washer on and peg out washing while dd1 at school and 2 walks to school and back and chase dd2 round rest of time.

It sounds like a respect issue more than an actual issue with the amount of work. It seems to me that he thinks the work you do isn't worth much and is so easy that it is almost the same as leisure time. Why on earth do you make him lunch during the week? Surely you should alternate that, or have a system where he cooks, you clean up or vice versa. It sounds like he treats you a bit like a maid to be honest.

My advice would be - ask him to make lunch at least half of the week.
Don't wash, iron or tidy away his clothes
Try to get all your jobs done before 8pm. If anything is left to do, try to leave it. Working till 9:30 every night isn't good for you.
Have a system where whoever cooks the dinner doesn't clean up afterwards
Don't sort out birthday stuff for his family, that's his job.
Both of you should be doing equal amounts of childcare and housework at the weekends, and you should get at least one weekend day off a month to do whatever you like as otherwise you get little or no time away from your workplace which isn't good for your health.

Is he actually playing with the DCs whilst you wash up? Or watching TV while they play around him?

What happened to the other thread on this subject AIBU to want to throw a bucket of poo over my DP. I think it has been pulled

I'm in a similar situation, I have a DD (20 mo) and only work 1 day a week.
DH works 5 days a week till 6pm most nights.
I do everything in the house.
The difference is that I don't mind doing it, I love housework (strange I know) and I know DH really appreciates everything I do.
I manage to get everything done in the daytime so that we can both relax by 7.30 when DD goes to bed.
I also know that if I asked DH to help out, he will do it without complaint.
Your DH doesn't sound like he really realises all that you do for him and certainly doesn't sound like he is grateful.
Has he ever looked after the children alone for a whole day? I do know that my DH thought DD was easy to care for until I went back to work (one day a week!) and he realised how tiring it can be entertaining a child for a whole day.
Perhaps you could arrange something that would take you out of the house for a day and leave your DH a list of chores to be done in your absence while caring for the DC so that he gets a better idea of what your day is like.

I do think you should make time to rest in the evenings when the DC go to bed. Any jobs needing done after this time could be left to the following day.

the moment i stoped caring about the housework being done everyday a dark cloud lifted from my mind.

it now gets done when the kids are in bed, sometimes DH does it with me, sometimes it just me.

DH has his jobs to do i have my jobs to do.....as long as the kitchen and bathroom are clean, who cares if the beds are made or if the living room has been hoovered.

What is this 'helping with the kids'. Aren't they his kids? So once he's home, he's being a parent, not helping you. Your job as a SAHM ends when he walks through the front door, then you both are SAHPs and should split chores equally.

Why doesn't he make his own lunch and wash up after himself? He's behaving like a teenager, not an adult with equal responsibility

he plays with the dc
i couldnt leave his washing, we are a family and it all goes in together and im a sahm so do expect to do housework while im a home, its the evenings/weekends i object to. he seems to do the fun things like soft play/park and i do housework,. this weekend i insisted i took dd1 to thepark while he stayed home or he would hev dobe that too.

YANBU. If it doesn't feel like everyone's pulling their weight then they probably aren't. Doesn't really matter what anyone else does in their famiies. Rather than hoping he gets the hint (never works) have a conversation about it, break down expectations on who does what, draw up a rota/timetable if necessary..... Partners are only as lazy as you allow them to be.

yes they are his kids.
i make lunch for me and dd2 so do his too, then we eat ours, then when he comes home he eats his and then i wash up as he goes back to work. then at night i do dd1s for next day.
i do dinner cos he is at work and kids cant wait till after 5.
i admit to getting crafty, i know if i leave the washing up he will ignore it so i end up with tons the next day wheras if i leave the bins he will hav to put them out to get rid of rubbish so i leave jobs he wouldnt want to be missed.
problem is he doesnt care about untidy spare room/piles of post in front room so ignores them wheras they get on my nerves.

it seemas to be you resent how much time he is spending with the kids, when secertly you wish you was having the fun with them.

perhaps maybe he can arrange to come home early friday, do all the housework that need to be done, so you can both have the fun on the weekends

dp hasnt looked after them both all day, partly cos dd2 is bf still. when he is home i am there too so he gets help, i shoul withdraw more maybe.
like if he runs dd2 a bath he baths her then shouts for a towel/nappy/clean clothes and if i ask him why he didnt prepare he said when we are both there its easier to help each other, but when i run dd2 a bath i get it ready first.
the other day i went to the docs and left kids at home with him and realised i enjoyed the drive/time on my own, sad that i enjoyed going to the docs.

What happens if you ask him to do a chore, say, the washing up?

yes i feel like by the time he comes home they are fed/washed/dd1 has been to school/changed/done her homwoerk and he gets to play. then i do bath/lunch for next day/ironing but kids just see daddy plays a lot and mommy doesnt

The most obvious thing he could do to contribute more is the dishes after dinner -- why isn't he doing them? why don't you ask him to do them? You say he will ignore them but will he really say No if you ask him?

How long is he home for lunch? My DH comes home for lunch and yes, it is easy to just make lunch for all of us, but he does the washing up. That's only right I think.

YANBU. I am a SAHM with 1 DD and another on the way. DP works similar often longer hours to yours. I do much of what you do, except ironing (I don't iron anything, DP does his own ironing and sorts his own clothes, ie puts them away)
DP in the week:
In the evening, DP tidies the kitchen after dinner and loads the dishwasher. DP does bedtime, including bathtime
DP does all garden and DIY (he enjoys garden, hates DIY but does it)

At weekend, we share all the chores, so DP will do hoovering if I ask. He will often get DD up do breakfast, we will go to the supermarket together if I haven't organised an internet shop. He will put on a wash or hang it out, though may need reminding, eg., if I am busy doing something else, I might ask him to check the laundry basket.

In the evenings, we both relax and though I could mop the floor, and get more done, I don't.

I'd agree that people will be as lazy as you let them be - sit down and work things out between you.

It sounds like you are doing all of the shitwork, the daily drudgery; while your partner gets to cherry-pick the fun stuff (softplay, bath& bed, going to the park)

That's not fair. It's not an equitable division of labour. He should be pulling his weight WRT household chores, especially at the weekend, and you should both get an equal amount of me-time/downtime.

"i know if i leave the washing up he will ignore it so i end up with tons the next day"

There's your mistake. You're assuming things rather than talking. Leaving stuff to chance never works. Telepathy is a non-starter. If you want something doing, say so rather than hoping and wishing....

mon-fri 7am-8pm i consider us both working, then 8pm till 9.30pm i work

Seriously - you spend 14 1/2 hours a day on housework and child care that doesn't involve playing? What are you doing? He does sound an arse with the other stuff but I think your resentment would be a lot less if you weren't working 100 hour weeks!

I do think though if one partner isn't bothered about something that would be nice to be done, but doesn't need to be done, then it is quite hard to justify that the other should do it. So if there's an untidy spare room that can quite happily remain untidy because it's spare, then prioritising leisure time over that makes a lot of sense. However if it bugs a partner, then it's really the partners responsibility to do it - as they're the only ones who want it done.

Certainly think you need to manage some leisure time for yourself and DH needs to do some stuff, but I really do question how much you're doing!

When you are both at home then the work should be shared out fairly between you.

If your dp thinks that the current split is fair then he should be more than happy to swap with you. You play with the children and put them to bed. He gets on with all the things that you currently do.

If he refuses to swap then it's all the proof you need that he knows he's doing less than you are.