for thinking parents should not get involved in their children's petty squabbles

[thepollydoll]

My 7yo son was playing with a friend ... it was one of those days where they were constantly bickering with each other/being mean to each other. I try not to get involved in kids arguments. I was witness to a lot of the bickering and the boys are both as bad as each other. When friend came in to tell on son for calling him a name I told my son he was being very unkind and asked him to say sorry but friend was not happy and went home. Son and I spoke about being kind blah blah. Shortly after my son wanted to go round with sweets and apologise which, of course, I let him do. Two mins later he was back distraught. Friend's father told him he was not welcome back there for the rest of the weekend.
In my opinion, friend's father has totally over-reacted. It has really upset me that he would allow any child to leave his doorstep in such a distressed state and it appears to me that he was punishing my son for an event that he wasn't even witness to. The boys fall in and out with each other every 5 mins, as they do at that age ! Shouldn't it be up to the boys to sort their differences rather than a parent taking sides and stopping them from playing together ?
And, do I mention my feelings to the parents ?

BTW, the name was "stinkyhead" !!

I did post this last night in parenting but only got 2 replies. Would really like some more advice if possible before I see the mum today at school and thought it may get more traffic here.

Of course YANBU, what a stupid man! Hard to know what to say to the mum though other than "the pair of them were as bad as each other so I was a bit surprised that your DH seems so convinced that everything was my DS's fault. It's a shame he's teaching your son to hold a grudge rather than accepting an apology gracefully". Only you know how well that's likely to go down though!

I agree with you totally.

I hardly ever get involved in children's bickering and resist in being drawn into them wherever possible.

The boys father has done nothing but escalate the situation, upset a child and been an arsehole. He has made it into more than it is.

I would speak to the father, not the mother, because she will probably take the default position of defending her husband.

The voice of reason should probably be don't speak to anyone and let it blow over, however I could not let the dad's bullyish behaviour pass, I would have to say something.

YANBU. I would have called the Dad straight away and asked what the problem was.

Its's hard to say without knowing what exactly happened.

Is it possible that the boy was truly upset for some reason, and not just because of the "stinkyhead" comment?

Thank you both for your helpful replies.

Actually, my DH feels I should let it pass. He thinks that men in general feel highly defensive of their children and can end up being immature about it.

However, this is not the first time my son has been upset about this man's actions.

I get on really well with the mother insofar as we chat in a group in the playground, go for a mum's lunch every couple of months and once in a blue moon we will have a cup of tea at each other's house while collecting our sons.

In most other circumstances I would let it pass but you should have seen the distressed state of my son when he came back. TBH, I was ready for marching round and confronting the father right away but I took the time to breathe and calm myself down and decided I'd see how I felt about it in a day or two. However, it's still eating at me.

Perhaps he just gets pissed of with his weekend beingtaken up by bickering kids. And as much as you think you and the otherMother sorted it out - you have no idea how she might have been venting steam at her husband.

His house, and if he doesnt want someone round, his call.

Friend's father told him he was not welcome back there for the rest of the weekend

No mention of him giving your child a roasting.

It does sound a bit extreme-but I can see his point.

If his son is going on about it/went home upset, then what´s the problem with a break for a couple of days?

CoteDAzur, the boys were clashing most of the day. Earlier in the day when a 3rd boy was there I witnessed the other friends running off from my DS which resulted in him coming inside upset. There were a few arguments over what to do - what games to play, where to go etc. Just before the issue that resulted in my DS's banishment from their house I overheard a conversation between my DS and friend where friend was telling DS that he was not his friend anymore because DS would not do what he wanted to do (play on the computer instead of bouncing on trampoline). I left them to it - as far as I'm concerned it's up to them to resolve their differences.

Then friend came in, said DS being mean, wouldn't allow him a turn on the trampoline and called him stinkyhead.

But I think you've hit the nail on the head "it's hard to say without knowing exactly what happened"

Only the boys KNOW exactly what happened. My DS admitted refusing him a shot on the trampoline and calling him stinkyhead for which I prompted him to apologise and told him not to be mean to his friends and after friend left we had a chat about it.

I can't be certain nothing else went on since I didn't witness it but I was willing to listen to both boys sides of the story. This man has made a judgement against my son for an event that no-one witnessed and for which he had heard only his son's version of events.

Although I can't be certain, I'm confident that that is as much as there is to it. Our boys are at school together, live round the corner from each other and so spend a lot of time together and these petty squabbles happen from time to time but always blow over very quickly.

It was the one piece of advice my mother passed on, and a wise one. Never get involved in your DCs squabbles because you have a row with the parent and before you know it the DCs are bosom buddies again!
I would just say 'I don't get involved in DC's squabbles, I'm sure they will sort it out themselves'. (Unless of course it is something serious like bullying)

The dad handled it the wrong way! OP son was trying to make amends. I would personally stay out of their way.

I think that it would have been ok if your ds hadn't gone round to his friends house. Friend had probably poured his heart out to df. You aldo dont know exactly what friend told his dad so may have exagerated the issue, df probably got a bit upset up about it on his ds behalsf but would have got over it by today.
Unfortunately I think that what your ds did (as far as you know) didn't warrant going round to his house and probably caught the dad just after his ds had told him all about the falling out. However since your ds was apologising it seems to me an ungracious way to react to an apology and amends.
Name calling and petty squabbles are par for the course at that age and really they need to be able to resolve them themselves as long as it doesn't involve really nasty name callinUnfortunately I think that what your ds did (as far as you know) didn't warrant going round to his house.
Squabbling etc is par for the course at this age and it's usually best to leave them to it on the whole.
I would consider asking the dad about it, you didnt witness it all but you do have your sons side of things and he did upset your son quite considerably. If I sent a visibly distressed child home like that I would be expecting to speak to parents or may even ring them to explain. At the very least if he felt so strongly about it he should have approached you about the incident .

You don't know how this child/ parent will react in future to these types of incidents and the friend may get the message that if he goes home to tell dad he will sort it out for him. Also you may find that the friend may threaten your ds with his dad in future if he doesn't get his own way with games and toys etc.

It's a shame your ds was upset but I do have some sympathy for the other boy's dad! We have a situation where our ds (8), is friendly with a boy two doors down who's a year younger. EVERY TIME they play together there's problems. The other boy has either called our ds a rude name (causing upset), broken or lost something of ds's, won't go home easily if we're about to go out or his mum phones for us to send him back. It does get irritating.

It's not unusual for him to then appear at the door later apologising and claiming whatever he broke/lost was an accident, once his mum came with him saying he'd been unfairly blamed! I thought "What? I saw him do it FGS!"

There have been a few occasions we've just said No to him, that's it for today. He doesn't like it but our weekends are precious and he just causes tension, makes it impossible for us to just enjoy relaxing with our own kids.

Not saying that's the case with you and the boys OP, after all I don't know you, but constant bickering/bullying going on in your own house/garden gets too much and we have to say No for our own sanity sometimes! This could well be how the other parent felt yesterday.

Interesting to hear it from both sides of the fence.

troisgarcons please don't take this the wrong way but I think you've misunderstood my postings - firstly because his weekend wasn't taken up by bickering kids (the kids were at mine) and secondly I didn't say anything about me and the other mother sorting it out. I was wondering whether I should speak to her about it (in a friendly way of course) because we do get on well. You are absolutely right about it being his house and his call - however, as for it not being a roasting, DS said he was angry and said "you are banned from this house for the rest of the weekend" - that may not be a roasting as such but it was clearly intended to punish DS, not just because he didn't fancy having kids around. I put it in gentler words as I thought surely an adult wouldn't be cruel like that to a child - but I have spoken to other mum and it turns out DS was right though, that is what he said.

diddl that is a fair comment actually. With hindsight, the break was better for me as it is my house they always play so we had a much more chilled weekend without friend here. However, I just think it could be put in gentler terms - like tell DS they should both have a break from each other. "You are banned from this house" was clearly intended as punishment to my DS based on what his DS told him. Harsh, in my opinion.

hopton I'm sorry for your situation although it is not quite the same case here. My DS is not a bully nor is it always him that's being mean. As I said in OP, both boys can be equally unkind to each other. Our boys are best of friends but from time to time they have off days and argue - they're 7, these things happen ! I try to be an objective parent and not go off the handle or assume blame lies elsewhere when something happens. The other parents certainly don't have the issue re stuff going on at their house that you speak about. This was my house that the argument happened and it is almost always my house they play. Even friend has said that he doesn't like playing at his own house.

Anwyay, I did have a friendly chat with the mum yesterday. It went well ... the dad did say "you are banned from here" but that it was only because he felt the boys needed a break from one another.

I told her that DS felt he was being punished and pointed out that the bickering had been on both sides throughout the day, it was not all one-sided.

She accepted that and it's all done and dusted :)

But in your OP you put that the banning was for the just for the w/end-enough to have a break & let things settle.

Yes the Dad could have worded it better, but he was probably caught on the hop.

At the end of the day, no harm done & perhaps they´ll learn that if they want to keep seeing each other when they choose, then less bickering might be in order

Yes, it was "you are banned from this house for the rest of the weekend" - I did say that in response to troisgarcons (above msg to you) but I missed the end of the sentence when I responded to you.

Well, let's hope you're right and the boys both learn a lesson :)

Thanks