To even ask for advice on this thread

[LadyRabbit]

Sorry, I can't think of another thread where this is appropriate. It feels weird putting it in pregnancy or relationships. My question is not so much AIBU, but how best to help someone without BU, if you get what I mean.

Long story short, a good friend of mine is unhappily pregnant and, I think, about 80% decided on a termination. I'm very worried about her and really want to help her. I don't think she has many people around her she can talk to although her partner is supportive in general. She is lovely and is not taking this decision lightly.

I haven't been in this situation, and am aware that as a happy and very lucky newish mum I am tending to err on the side of being pro-baby. But that's me and I'm in a fortunate situation. I just want to be able to give her the best kind of non-judgey support but offer a balanced opinion if she should ask me outright.

For those of you who have been through a termination, if you feel able, would you mind telling me what was really helpful for you at this time? What kind of advice, or just words of comfort, people gave you. And what not to say. I can see she's both in shock, and torn up, as she is a very loving person and incredibly good with kids who definitely sees them in her future, just not right now.
Thank you.

I would suggest to her to go for specialist counselling to ensure she makes the right decision for her and to really really think about this x

I haven't been in the situation, but if I were you I would just be there with tea and hobnobs and say very little and listen a lot.

you sound lovely OP :)

What a difficult situation to be in, at least she has you to speak to. If she thinks she should terminate, its the right decision. I havent been through a termination myself but hopefully others will reply who have, I would maybe offer to go with her if she would otherwise be alone?

Don't give an opinion, even if she asks for one. It has to be her choice either way, and neither of you will want to be looking back and thinking you influenced her decision.

Thanks for your comments. I'm sure - at least I hope as aren't you meant to have counselling before you can actually have a termination? - that she is getting professional counselling too. It's just knowing what to say in the coming weeks. I'm really hoping that because she is fairly sure about her decision that it will be something she can move on from relatively quickly.
She's fairly religious - and I think that can make people feel so guilty which is a whole heap of extra crap to add to a sad situation in the first place. Want to help her not self-flagellate IYSWIM.

Agree with not giving an opinion, even if she demands one.

This has to be her choice. If you push her into something - and it could be the slightest comment that sends her either way - she could go on to resent you for it. Or maybe feel that she can't confide her true feelings to you.

Just say, "I'm there for you," and hold her hand.

My good friend recently had an abortion, I was the only person who knew and went with her to the hospital (she later agreed to me telling DH so she could stay at our house after rather than go home and possibly face awkward questions). She did have to have counselling first and prove to the councillor that she had made the right decision for her and there was no doubt in her mind.

Dont push her any way, but I gave my friend honest opinions on her situation, luckily my honest opinion wasnt biased either way though, I was just there for her and wanted to help.

I am now as far along in pregnancy though as she would be (we managed to concieve at the same time in very different situations though), and she did say to me the other day that she wasnt sure she made the right decision :( that was hard to hear, but I told her of course she has.