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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have been upset by this conversation with my mum?

11 replies

SESthebrave · 06/11/2011 15:44

I told my parents 10 days ago that I am pg with DC2 after successful scans at 6wks and 9wks. I had 2 mmc before DS (which she knows about) and I had a 3rd mc earlier this year which I didn't tell her about.

The reason I didn't tell her about the mc earlier this year is that she - maybe unintentionally - fusses so much that it seems controlling, smothering and makes things worse. She is like this generally and particularly with the previous mcs.

So when I told her 10 days ago about this pg, she asked about 3 times whether I'd had any problems ttc this time and asked me not to hide anything from her. I just blatantly lied and told her there had been no problems instead of the details of over 12 months ttc and a mc.

I was round there today briefly and she then told me that she didn't want to upset me but she'd heard a story in the news about how some mc actually may not have been mc and the pregnancy may have been ended when in actual fact it would have been fine if left. I told her truthfully that I had heard that story myself and that I didn't think that would have been the case for me at all. She repeated the story again and again said she didn't want to upset me but that she thought if she told me then.... and didn't finish her sentence. I said "then....what?" She couldn't answer and just said "Well I hope everything is ok."

Now she did upset me - not because I was upset by the story itself but because I can't work out her possible motivation for telling me the story. Best case, she's concerned about my 12wk scan in 8 days and if there is anything wrong doesn't want the wrong decision made. How did she really think that would make me feel though?
Worst case scenario, I think she might have told me to see my reaction so she could spot if I had been lying about further mc.

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/11/2011 15:47

Oh of course YANBU. I would like to think this is very msiguided concern she is showing for you, though I'm not sure exactly what she was trying to say tbh.

It doesn't seem malicious, just highly insensitive.

TidyDancer · 06/11/2011 15:47

misguided

KatieMiddIeton · 06/11/2011 15:52

My DM does this. I just call her on it. Usually a "so are you saying DS is backwards?!" or "I am finding you going on and on about it when there is nothing we can do very upsetting. Please stop." works ok.

Does she has NPD traits?

SESthebrave · 06/11/2011 15:57

Glad I'm not being completely unreasonable and it's not just pg hormones!

What is NPD?

OP posts:
KatieMiddIeton · 06/11/2011 16:00

Narcissistic personality disorder

SESthebrave · 06/11/2011 16:04

OMG - yes! They hypervigilant type from that artical describes her really well! She always seems to be the victim of people laughing at her in her eyes when in fact it's just banter. Everything is always about how it impacts on her and she has always tried to be very controlling of me, my siblings and my dad.

I think you could be on to something!

OP posts:
Everlong · 06/11/2011 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 06/11/2011 16:29

She sounds very tactless and insensitive. My dad is like that, it's a pain in the arse!

KatieMiddIeton · 06/11/2011 16:39

Just to lighten the mood somewhat here are some of the extrapolations my DM has made from basic ailments:

Cough = cystic fibrosis (NB there is absolutely no family history either side)
Delayed speech due to glue ear = autism
Wobbly legs when learning to work = possible rickets(!) or some sort of mobility disorder.
Rubbing his eye because he is tired = possible eye infection or blindness

She also sees news reports - do you think it's swine flu? Do you think it's ecoli? Do you think it's

We laugh about it. DH thinks she has a personality disorder. I am inclined agree because it makes the odd behaviour much easier to live with in a she can't help it sort of way.

SESthebrave · 06/11/2011 16:57

IKWYM about it being easier to deal with if she can't help it.

Mum does often query asthma when DS has a cough but she's not made the link to CF yet!

OP posts:
KatieMiddIeton · 06/11/2011 17:04

Just remember - it's not you, it's her.

Makes for a much happier life I find!

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