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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you have to know someone more than 2 secs before passing judgement?

27 replies

onlysmallsocks · 06/11/2011 11:02

I went out with a group of 5 female friends last night.
one of the woman is a relatively new addition (since sept when she and her DH moved here - she knows one of the others from uni)

Conversation as it does came around to our DH/DPs and having children and how it changes your relationship etc (all of them are on DC1 either pg around 1 yo. While i'm pg DC3)

Anyway they were all taking the mic out of mine and DHs relationship (as they always have done)

Anyway new addition says that she finds our relationship very odd and it seem I am very dependent on DH and he is dominating.

Excuse me - She has probably seen us together as a couple/family about 5 times.

The basis of this, we where all talking about it before she piped up.

I'm a bit of a scatter brain - I have to have lists for everything otherwise nothing would get done with the house, job or kids.

But formyself I forget that I have to eat and forget that I have to go to bed so DH will remind me.

I'm the joker of the group and always have been and DH will say (jokingly) shut up to me and tell me to stop.

He will often tell me to breath as I can talk and talk and talk on random subjects ad taht is his way of telling me that is what I am doing.

He doesn't do it in certain company obviously.
He has always done it.

We make joint decisions and all that shit (he also will tell me not to swear as I do it slightly too much)

I didn't know what to say to her. One of the others just laughed and steered the conversation away (and afterwards told me not to list to her because o one could ever dominate me )

But she desn't really know me, or DH or our relationship

AIBU to think you have to properly know someone really well before you pass judgement on their relationships?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/11/2011 11:04

We always pass judgements - some very quickly.
But what we need to do is to keep them to ourselves.

Housewifefromheaven · 06/11/2011 11:17

Yes of course. Yanbu. People judge all the time. (not me though)

I suppose though that I would wonder, if you feel secure in your relationship, why you would be bothered by other people's comments. Maybe she touched a secret raw nerve?

TidyDancer · 06/11/2011 11:25

Well in theory YANBU, but tbh I'd probably get exactly that impression from your relationship going on that description. I would say she's probably spent enough time around you to make that judgment, but unless she has real concerns for you, she probably should've kept that judgment to herself.

LeBOF · 06/11/2011 11:26

You sound a bit odd to me, based on just a paragraph on the internet Grin

worraliberty · 06/11/2011 11:31

If she's seen you 5 times and that's her take on things...then that's how you seem to her - dependent on a man who comes across as dominating (telling you to shut up and when to go to bed etc)

We all make judgements....but perhaps we don't all vocalise them.

However, you were all in a group talking about your relationship at the time, so why shouldn't she mention her view?

Neuromantic · 06/11/2011 11:33

YABU, it takes no time at all to judge people, as you well know. Unless of course you need your DH to judge people for you...? Grin

heleninahandcart · 06/11/2011 11:38

Maybe your established friends are used to, and accept your relationship with DH as normal? tbh if I witnessed what your describe over several meetings I would think the same thing. Perhaps this new friend sees things a little more clearly. Are you entirely happy with the role you have both cast yourself in?

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 06/11/2011 11:44

It's obvious - she is actually a Mumsnetter who frequents the AIBU threads, dishing out unconstructive advice along the lines of OMG you are so needy/grabbing/selfish and you need to get a grip/a life, based on reading a 2 paragraph post. She'll huffily declare that it's her opinion and she is entitled to give it Grin

Some people are incapable of applying any filters to their thought/speech process. However, sometimes strangers can say something which may have a ring of truth to it - which can make it unpalatable. Do you think that might be the case here? If not, please feel free to get a grip/life Grin

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 06/11/2011 11:45

feel free to tell me to get a grip/life that should have been Blush

squeakytoy · 06/11/2011 11:48

From what you have posted, you do seem very dependent on him, and he does seem to be a dominant person (not necessarily in a negative way). It sounds more like a relationship between a father and child than an equal couple.

Original poster
onlysmallsocks · 06/11/2011 23:39

it wasn't what she said it was the fact that she doesn't really know us. if it had been one of my other friends i might have made me think (as they know far more about mine and DHs relationship) but they have never raised 'concerns' as it was.

He doesn't tell me to go to bed - he reminds me that i have to sleep, i forget.

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 06/11/2011 23:50

i think this new girl was just trying to make herself feel more established in teh group than she actually is. so your friends were taking the mick, and you were all enjoying teh banter, you were taking it in the humour it was meant so she thought she would gain group approval by appearing to agree with them and echoing what they were saying, except she was trying to hard and as she is only newish into the group, she hasn't really got the hang of your group dynamic. she is probably mortified that she did it. FWIW i dont think your DH sounds dominating or that you sound dependant on him. i totally get what you mean.

QuietNinjaTeacup · 07/11/2011 09:06

How can you forget that you need to sleep or eat? Do you not get tired or hungry?

Iggly · 07/11/2011 09:09

Was going to ask the same - surely you get tired and hungry? And telling you to breath as you talk too much? Confused

So YABU - people judge and judge quickly as I have done.

However she could have been more tactful.

Original poster
onlysmallsocks · 07/11/2011 09:28

I do but I get so into things that it 'slips my mind' that I have to actually eat. Or I'll be doing work or chores and get so engrossed that the time slips by and until I get remind that i need to sleep - being tired often wont enter my head.
Only when I keep talking and talking and talking and I get faster and faster in my speech. Telling me to breath is his way of telling me to take and breath and slow down (I have speech and language issues that become far worse when I not take my time talking and don't take brakes)

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/11/2011 11:14

YABU... Your friends don't think the way you are is odd because they know you. To an outsider (and to anyone reading your OP) your life/relationship sounds a little peculiar. It's a little gauche to say it out loud, but there you go. Some people speak as they find. 'Emperors New Clothes' etc.

Whatmeworry · 07/11/2011 11:28

Leave him :o

Whatmeworry · 07/11/2011 11:32

...took me 2 seconds, that did....

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 07/11/2011 12:25
Grin

You forgot the 'he's a twunt' and 'there's no way I'd stick around, you must be really needy' type comments. I sometimes wonder how many couples end up in the divorce courts because of 'advice' given out on MN!

Ephiny · 07/11/2011 12:30

She probably should have kept her thoughts to herself. But at the risk of hypocrisy, I will say that from your description your relationship does sound a little odd and dependent! Can't comment on 'dominating' from what you've said.

gofrotoes · 07/11/2011 23:32

I think commenting on someones relationship like that when you don't really know them is not really done and she should have kept her views on that one to herself.

Does she know about your speech and language problems? Because I guess the rest of your friends do and therefore understand that your DH does the whole 'breath thing' to remind you (and help you I guess) but yet not make it common knowledge and embarass (?) you or draw unwanted attention in away that you might not want. If she desn't know the full excent as to the whys and whoes to that I must seem dominating to her. (not that she has any right to know)

I also presume tha without DH there you have mechanisms for reminding to eat/sleep. Same as you do with work and house and the DCs.

She probably doesn't know you well enough to see those things yet. Which is why your friend then said 'because no one could ever dominate me' they know all that so take the mick out of DH doing/saying those things. She can't see why the 'mick' is taken.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/11/2011 23:41

For my own part, I really find it irks me when I come across couple where one person keeps their brain in the other person's head. It might work for you but it makes my teeth itch. I know IABU though so fairs fair.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/11/2011 23:42

*a couple

Idontdoflamingos · 07/11/2011 23:52

But surely we all rely on our partners for things? OPs yours are probably more obvious than this new friends - therefore she finds them dominating and dependent.
Forget about telling you to shut up - he does it jokingling, you are the joker and i'm sure your friends do it to you as well. To her that joke may not be obvious
Forget the speech telling you to breath - it is to do with a speech problem you have. She may or may not know that. So if she doesn't it will seem dominating and controlling.
Your DH isn't telling you to eat or go to bed - he is reminding you that you as a human being have to do those things. One is controlling one must be very helpful if you have are really that scatter brain and can become obsessed with something (as it appears from your post correct me if I am wrong here). She may not see the subltly between those to things.
She INBU to think that or get that impression but she was to vocalise it.

Proudnscary · 08/11/2011 06:59

YABU - this is Mumsnet, the home of the snap judgements.