To not treat my Mum like a Mum, as I've never had one?

[yapodirt]

Okay.. I don't want to drip-feed but also aware I could write a novel, so here goes! My Mum married at 17 to escape an alcoholic father and emotionally abusive household. My father (her husband!) was unfortunately very controlling and physically/emotionally abusive and also started drinking dependently when I was in primary school. She quickly fell into this too and they both were alcoholics for about 25 years.

This had a profound effects on my childhood. On a basic level, I was forced to go to a school counsellor for my "anorexia" (I wasn't anorexic - I just wasn't getting fed at home) & on an emotional level, I never felt I had parents. Two years ago, my Mum was taken seriously unwell and stopped drinking as a result. 6 months later my Dad had a similar experience but refused to stop. He died 1 year later.

The issue I have now is that my Mum wants to be both my Mother but only ever acts like a child. She does not seem to have matured from the 17 year old that married and is very manipulative and emotionally draining. She is also very focused on the impact of my father's death on her and will phone at all hours of the day/night, seeking reassurance but paying no heed to the fact that I have a new baby to cope with. I completely empathise with the fact that she has had a rough time but am also aware of the time and emotion that I have invested in our relationship over the years, which has been thrown back in my face (both drunk and sober).

Am aware Christmas is coming up and feel I should invite her here for it (she lives far far away!) but am also aware this is my DSs first Christmas and that (sorry if this sounds cruel) I don't actually know this woman. To me, it seems the sort of thing we should build up to, as our relationship grows.

Am I just being mean? I sense I am!

No you're not.
She's a toxic mum and you should put yourself first, because they never did.

i think if i had an alcoholic mother who didn't feed me as a child i wouldnt be as considerate as you.

you clearly dont feel able yto tell her that she cannot ring after a certain time in the evening -s o get a phone with caller ID and dont answer it. - she;ll get the message

you are certainly not being unreasonable.
shes treated you like shit, you actually owe her nothing.
put yourself and your family first everytime.

some people will tell you what ever shes done shes your mother blah blah, but they don't understand what its liek having an abusive parent, how damaging it can be.

i admire how well your doing.

keep up the good work, be strong

You sound like a very nice person who has come through a lot and has retained a clear sense of what is right and what is wrong. Your mother doesn't deserve you but only you know if you will be able to live with not having done what is right by her. With a new baby you are also, I imagine, coming to terms with the fact that your baby will have a more loved and stable life than you and a certain amount of grief for what might have been that goes with that.

Early days for all I would say. I think you have to do what will be easiest for you to deal with now and later and take it one step at a time.

Good luck lovely new mummy.

Actually I don't think you are being mean, and completely understand why you wouldn't want her there.

My DH is going through something similar. He had a horribly neglectful childhood and was in and out of care. It has effected him profoundly. His mum was never a real mum to him, never there for him. Her health has gone down hill in the last 5 years (due to her ignoring doctors advice about her diet). She's ended up in a nursing home at the age 0f 66. He hasn't been to see her for around 6 months now. In his head he's battling with the guilt, she's his mother he should visit her, on the other hand she NEVER looked after him when he needed her, so why should he look after her. I completely support him in it.

You need to do what is right for you, putting yourself and your baby first.

No, I don't think you're being mean in the slightest. Look after you and your baby.

OP, don't ruin your first Xmas with your DC. If (misplaced) guilt is getting the better of you, invite her after Xmas.

Best wishes, and stay strong.

Give her a link/number for a support group for bereaved persons, and tell her to seek support from them as they are led by professionals who can "help her better". I'd not pick up when she calls either, unless you feel like it.

Not sure really, because I would personally distance myself from her. There are consequences to child neglect and addiction, she can't blot it out like she used to, but she made her own bed.

just out of interest have she really apolagised for things shes done to you? does she acknowledge it?

or is she in denial about it?

Thanks everyone. I suppose the one downside of having distanced myself from her emotionally as a mother is that I can now objectively sympathise with her as a person. If that can make sense? So while she's still perpetuating misery, I can see that she is still the 17 year old girl that ran away to get married & never really matured. That said, it is so draining to be around her as she is so needy and gives so little back. Carrie, there has been no apology. She sees that she is the only one that has had any level of hardship & gets upset/angry if we mention all the time we put in to trying to get her to stop over the years. To be fair she basically sobered up and was flung into a hideous year of my Dad effectively drinking himself to death. So she did well to say sober in the circumstances, even if she did use me and my sister terribly (despite sis having 2 small children and me going through a miscarriage and 2nd pregnancy). As for the phone thing, I had to get rid of my voicemail/answerphone in the midst of it all, as if I'd come home from work to find messages of her screaming in tears that she couldn't cope (she still varies between my Dad being a saint/love of her life and an evil twunt) which were actually frightening. I'd call her back and she'd be all bright and breezy - saying she was fine again and just been having a moment . Since Dad died almost a year ago, everyone keeps asking me if am inviting her here for Christmas though and am worried she is expecting it. Hideous situation! Thanks for letting me rant!

hmm the fact theres been no apology tells a strong tale.

she probably lives in a slightly fantasy world, the only world she can cope with

i think your doing the right thing.
definatley.

God, no, don't dream of inviting her! You will have a lovely Christmas with your real family.

Do you have siblings? I hope you weren't alone in your experience. Your childhood sounds awful and obviously you need to concentrate on looking after yourself, your husband and your children.

I know what you mean about your mum being stuck at 17 - she sounds immature for even 17, to be honest. Yes, she did very well to stay sober when your dad died. Did she have medical help for that?

She clearly feels like a victim in her own life. I think the less you have to do with her the better. Is there any way your husband could listen to messages first, without you having to? It's unforgivable that she should phone, screaming, and then not phone to say she's okay.

Have your Christmas without her. Don't feel guilt tripped into saving her from herself. She made a decision every day to spend money on alcohol for herself instead of on food for you - that's unforgivable.

Hell no!

I think you have coped with and put up with far more than most people would in those circumstances, and I admire you for being able to do this. Please don't feel guilty about not inviting her for Christmas this year. She doesn't deserve it.
My DH was treated similarly by his mother, and it really annoys me when she now attempts to play 'mother of the year' to him and his younger brother, who are both in their 30s! Sorry; too little; too late!

I wouldn't invite her ANY year! You had a childhood with crap and stressful Christmasses, I assume. Make sure ALL of your adult Christmasses are lovely and stress-free.

No, be strong. Invite her afterwards if you feel up to it but not for Christmas. You will never get your first Christmas with DS back and ask yourself, if it ends up being horrifically stressful (which no doubt it will be) will you end up wishing you could turn the clocks back and not invite her? You have to be strong with yourself for YOUR family, she will rely on your weakness. My Mum had a shit childhood, abused etc and she is the nicest person now - you would never know it and she has spent years having to be strong around my Grandma and not allowing herself to be emotionally blackmailed.

be strong - what would bother your more afterwards, that you didn't invite her? Or that you did invite her, had a shitty time and wished you hadn't? YOU know her best and you know how much hard work it could be

Thanks everyone - of course I know you're right but she manages to make you feel soooooo guilty! Plus, I don't really speak about my childhood much to others, so you can see on their face they think it's terrible that her own daughter won't invite her over for her first Christmas without her husband. If it was just the day itself I would probably end up doing it beacuse I'm a total mug but because of travel she'd be here for at least a week [murderous]. Imperial I do have one older sister, though she left home just as things were spiralling - hence my obsession with hiding what was happening (even if it meant feigning anorexia) so I wasn't taken into care. Rainbow your message really hit the spot! She now seems to think she's Granny-tastic, although it's all utterly superficial & she's hugely judgemental of our parenting (criticising my sister to me and vice versa). She constantly refers to my son as "my little boy" which really grates. Is all I can do not to hiss at her that in actual fact, he's my little boy - I was her "little girl" but clearly that meant/means eff all.

I need a chocolate cake biscuit.....