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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ditch my antenatal group friends even though DD (three) enjoys spending time with their children?

39 replies

letitwork · 04/11/2011 22:00

Of the 6 of us in our antenatal group I have stayed in touch with three other women. Our children have grown up from the newborn baby phase through to pre school age together.

I've sometimes found it challenging to get along ok with these friends. We have the stereotypical 'friends because of the children' arrangement.

I have a small number of very close friends who I would do anything for and have nothing in common with in terms of lifestyle (for e.g. most of them not married/partnered or have children) but our friendships work, because we just click, and our circumstances don't come into it, if that makes sense?

Anyway, cut to the chase. These friends I made when I was pregnant with my first. They are OK but increasingly I am finding it harder and harder to socialise with them. It's impossible to move them away from talking about our children to any other topic. And I mean any other topic - from the situation in Libya, the economy through to the X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing, they will not entertain talking about anything that isn't child related.

On top of that (and more of an issue for me) is an undercurrent of competitiveness around the chuildren. I guess it was like this when they were babies and I turned a blind eye but I've noticed that the others seem to still see things that our three year olds do as a competition. For example, who is dry at night - who is 'accomplished' at this, and who is not. The children are three Everything is a 'milestone' or a competition or a brag. I have a few other friends with similar aged children who I get on far better with, and I notice that we NEVER talk about 'milestones'. In fact, we rarely talk about our children at all as we have other things to chat about

Anyway, very longwinded, I'm sorry. But DD is close to the children of these friends, but I find that spending time with them leads to an unpleasant taste. The dry at night thing is just an example, there is/has been competition over everything. I can give more examples if required, I don't mean to dripfeed but this post is long enough already.

Anyway - AIBU to cut off contact with these people, even though DD enjoys seeing their children? DD started pre school in Sept and is loving it and already has made lots of friends and been to birthday parties etc. I'm just wondering if now might be the time to make a break for it?

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByaBear · 04/11/2011 22:04

Your child is 3. You make the choices. Dump 'em. Been on a course the last couple of days where people were categorised as drains and radiators. This lot sound like the former. Your DD will not even remember them.

Ismeyes · 04/11/2011 22:05

So what you are saying is the only thing you have in common with these women is you happened to have sex in the same month and fall pregnant?

northerngirl41 · 04/11/2011 22:05

Not unreasonable at all. You were friends due to circumstances, the circumstances have now changed.

troisgarcons · 04/11/2011 22:06

Im with you - other mothers talk mustard colours and consistency of nappy contents .... did my head in.

You will have real freinds and those god awful acquaintances you have to deal with. Just wait till school gate time

My advice - rarely taken - do the come to tea thing - avoid the mothers like the plague.

cerealqueen · 04/11/2011 22:06

I see where you are coming from, especially on the competitiveness thing. I let it all wash over me.
The thing is, there will always be mothers of children you have to socialise with because your children are friends. Some you will like, some you won't.
You may find you see them less anyway with the children at pre-school and finding their own way with friends etc.

FootballFriendSays · 04/11/2011 22:06

Let the friendships die naturally. You won't have time, they won't have time. Your DD is also getting to the age where she can be dropped off and left on her own on playdates, so you don't need to chat so much with the mums. No need IMO to make a big deal out of it, it will happen, you have little in common but were of use to each other for a few years.

MintChocAddict · 04/11/2011 22:07

YADNBU.
Ditch the over competitive baby bores.

I've got loads of child free friends and I love meeting up to hear all about what's going on with them and to feel like myself again and not just my boys' mum.

As for the children's friendships. At that age they are incredibly fickle and will forget all about them fairly quickly, particularly with new preschool friends they see every day.

HTH.

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 04/11/2011 22:08

I feel your pain, in my group there were 7 women, and we used to meet quite regularly when we were all on maternity leave, but then when I returned to work I found that the time they took up on my only day off I really resented. It was the same as you describe-- our relationships never evolved past talking about our kids, and well, I am just not that interested in who has done a poop that day and so on.

So I have broken away, and I keep in regular touch with one girl who is fun and normal and we have been out for a drink/lunch etc without kids. There is another girl who texts us all the time to meet, but I tend to only commit to meeting every 2 months or so. That is all I can tolerate.

In a way i think it is nice for DS to have those links, but at the same time he has a wide circle of little mates, and so is not losing out really if we do not see them.

Life is too short to spend not doing stuff you do not enjoy, but at the same time it is nice to be nice, you just have to manage it a bit and not see them very often!

CreamolaFoamless · 04/11/2011 22:08

It sounds like you have already come to your conculsion .

However you could move them to 'very casual friends' and arrange for the friends daughters/sons to come around without having to engage with mothers.

If they are making you feel bad or boring you dont waste your time on them

Arachnophobic · 04/11/2011 22:12

Understand you completely OP. I have distanced a bit from my postnatal group and in fact avoided a night out tonight as I just can't stand the constant discussion re. Kids and babies it's a bit soul destroying IMO.

I still see the group but much less regularly and there are a couple from the group I like more, so I see them individually.

I do feel a bit mean but what's the point, your LO is only 3 and chances are he will make his own friends at school anyhow.

Original poster

letitwork · 04/11/2011 22:12

Thank you all.

I guess what worries me, and should have put this in the OP but just didn't think of it - is that I am a SAHM and only moved here about 4 years ago. So these were the first people I met and the people who have been 'around' the most.

If that sounds mercenary I don't mean it to. But, to a certain extent, I guess I was mercenary as felt it was better to pursue spending time with these people than be on my own.

But increasingly I've realised that the weeks I don't see them I am happier, I feel less attacked and criticised. When I've seen them I come home worrying that DD sometimes confuses her numbers and sometimes wets the bed.

But when I don't see them I am perfectly happy that DD is developing just fine. So I guess, in some part, it's my problem that I let them affect me.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 04/11/2011 22:15

Stop over thinking it, trust your instincts. I know exactly how you feel - this used to drive me insania (till I went back to work). You will make other friends, so will your dc, honestly it's early days.

girlywhirly · 04/11/2011 22:17

I think if you are no longer enjoying their company you could start slowly to move away from socialising with them. Find other things to do and people to see, so that you can turn down invitations to meet up with them because you're already busy. Then just let the friendships slide.

It can be difficult when mums are so focussed on their children and they have no other interests to generate any other topics of conversation.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 04/11/2011 22:25

If they make you feel uncomfortable about your DD, then definitely ditch them. It is not a race.

eurochick · 04/11/2011 22:28

Ditch 'em. I don't have kids yet but my closest friend does and has the usual NCT circle. She cannot see it but they are vile - bitchily competitve and really quite unpleasant. I usually like her friends but she has completely lost the plot with this lot. I am hoping she dumps them soon because their snidey little competitive comments get to her and it upsets me to see it.

Sleepyspaniel · 04/11/2011 22:30

Just ditch them, or, at the very least, only hook up every now and then if you think your DD might like it. Glad it's not just me who managed to meet a bunch of Stepford Mums at mum and baby group. Seriously one-track minded. Not a drop of humour between them unless it was a lame joke related to babies of course. DH won't believe me when I tell him how odd some of these mums are.

brianmayshair · 04/11/2011 22:32

Yanbu I had this exact situation although thankfully it came at a time when dc were starting school (different schools) so was easy to cut ties and d still has playdates with the dc but without the needing to be accompanied by the adults so we hardly have to spend any time together.

Original poster

letitwork · 04/11/2011 22:45

Thank you everyone.

As silly as it sounds, it's all been going on in my brain to move on from them, but seeing it written down from other people makes much more sense to just do it.

OP posts:

deviladvocate · 04/11/2011 22:58

The ante natal group competitiveness is likely to become less intense as siblings arrive, I've experienced it too.

I don't think you necessarily need to make a big issue of it, as others have suggested make commitments with other friends and just see them less frequently. As your child starts school you'll find you just won't see them as none of you will have the time.

Original poster

letitwork · 04/11/2011 22:59

Thanks deviladvocate - I am hoping that school (next year) will be the death knell.

As an aside, all of our three year olds now have younger siblings. It still hasn't changed!

OP posts:

deviladvocate · 04/11/2011 23:03

Blimey, they're even more competitive than my lot then!!

soupisgoodfood · 04/11/2011 23:28

Take a step back but don't ditch 'em completely, the competitive urge and baby-boring might fade off in time and it's nice to have friends from milestone times in ones life IMO.

My antenatal friends and I didn't see much of each other from ages 3 onwards because our lives diverged so much, but it's lovely when we get together nowadays.
We only meet up a few times a year but the bond is still there.

ViviPru · 04/11/2011 23:32

ooOOo ExitPursuedByaBear, that sounds interesting! Do tell us more about drains and radiators....

stillfeel18inside · 05/11/2011 11:30

YANBU - had exactly the same experience with my NCT group (12 yrs ago now!) but your post brought those feelings of inadequacy back in an instant. First it was who sat up first, then who crawled first, walked first, talked first, was dry first etc etc. Oh and there was also a bit of a competition about who could get pregnant again first ! My baby did everything last! Fortunately we moved away when he was two so we naturally lost touch before we could get to who reads first! It all seems like a dim and distant memory now, but I think you gradually come out of the fug of having a newborn and learn that you have to have more in common than just kids the same age to be real friends.

pigletmania · 05/11/2011 12:02

I would just fizzle out the friendship, your dd is only 3 she will make other friends. I hate competativeness especially as my dd 4.6 has SN so milestones are behind. You will make other friends in time don't worry.

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