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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To befriend DH's ex?

26 replies

Rogers1 · 04/11/2011 16:19

My DH's ex has just sent me a friend request via FB. It's awkward...although 8 years ago now...they broke up & shortly afterwards we got together. She didn't take it well. Fast forward 8 years & DH bumps into her while we are out...he stops...they have a brief chat. I was not impressed...but over it now after seeing how silly my reaction was. I don't know if I should except the friend request...or is that too weird??

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 04/11/2011 16:20

Are you friends? I have no-one on mine I'm not friends with. I can't imagine why you would accept, or why she would ask.

Byeckerslike · 04/11/2011 16:22

Im friends with my ex, and his dw is lovely, we get on great, i dont think its wierd at all, but thats me and our situation, if you think its wierd, its wierd :)

JaneBirkin · 04/11/2011 16:23

No. Too many motives and too complicated, there is NO earthly reason why this would be a good or even a sane idea.

Just save yourself a lot of bother and don't accept - it'll save you having to explain when things get complicated and you need to bin her.

Sorry.

Original poster
Rogers1 · 04/11/2011 16:23

She is friends with my sisters. I don't know if its her way of making peace or not? I am younger than her so was just 'her friends little sister' years ago.

OP posts:
JaneBirkin · 04/11/2011 16:24

She doesn't even kNOW you I mean - if you'd chatted with her and got on like a house on fire, why not. But you didn't, so there's no reason unless she wants to know all about you and is still not, therefore, over it...

bad, bad move.

JaneBirkin · 04/11/2011 16:25

It can't be about you. It is about your DH. She is clearly wanting to know about the woman he ended up with, and I would want to keep that private.

If you meet again in person then see how it goes...it doesn't have to be a permanent 'No' but for the time being it's best to say no

TimothyClaypoleLover · 04/11/2011 16:26

Agree with NinkyNonker, only have actual friends as friends on FB. Also think that it gives her an opportunity to snoop on yours and DH's life. Don't do it!

JaneBirkin · 04/11/2011 16:26

Motto: never accept a request unless you know the person well enough to know their motives are entirely good.

You don't know this, so reject it, ignore it, whatever is least committed option.

WardrobeYeti · 04/11/2011 16:27

She wants to look at what you two are up to. I bet she fancies looking at facebook and your lives for not so nice reasons (is he happy, what do they get up to, am I better off than them) so I wouldn't bother.

Original poster
Rogers1 · 04/11/2011 16:27

Did I mention she is also best friends with m BIL exW so I think you ladies are spot-on...it's about snooping!

OP posts:
CatherineWheel · 04/11/2011 16:28

What wardrobe said. I'd steer clear. Fair enough if you were real-life friends, but it doesn't sound like you are.

lickencivers · 04/11/2011 16:28

DONT DO IT

I was friends with DPs x - that's how I met DP but over 3 years it went from being totally fine to her realising that she still loved him and as she watched him and I buy a house, get pregnant etc she went into a complete nose dive - had to cut all contact and it's now very strained.

I chose dp over her and he chose me over her and she was very hurt and tried to revenge this by being bloody horrid when I was PG.

Your dp's x may not be as unhinged as her but I really wouldnt. Let sleeping dogs lie!

JamieComeHome · 04/11/2011 16:34

You aren't friends though are you?

Original poster
Rogers1 · 04/11/2011 16:37

No we haven't ever been 'friends'...she was my sisters friend when I was younger. It's thrown me a bit

OP posts:
MrsMooo · 04/11/2011 16:52

If you were friends it's not weird, and I'd accept

If you only know her as DH ex then it's a bit odd and I'd ignore it

porcamiseria · 04/11/2011 16:53

FFS! just ignore it
simple

she will be stalking you via FB you know that right?

Towndon · 04/11/2011 16:56

Don't accept if you're not comfortable to do so.

Original poster
Rogers1 · 04/11/2011 16:58

Request ignored! I should of done that in the beginning...but part of me thought she might want to make peace for the trouble she caused when me & DH got together. But I think you are all right..(yet again!)..! I don't share much on FB & there are no pics of our DS & only a few of us together..but I think you could be right about the stalking though!

OP posts:
Seabright · 04/11/2011 17:01

Would you like to have a friendship with her? Do she and DH have children together? If the answer to either is yes, then accept.

You can always prune her from your friends list later.

I am very lucky in that DP's ex and I have an excellent relationship (took work on both our parts). We will happily spend time together without him or the children & have fun together.

slavetofilofax · 04/11/2011 17:05

I'm friends with my ex's new partner. She requested me though, and I did find it wierd at first. But I thought it would be mean to ignore or that she might think I have some kind of problem with her if I ignored, so I accepted.

I actually quite like her, she's nice to my dc, and that's all I really care about.

I think she may have wanted to snoop on me too though, but now she's over that, it's quite nice when she 'likes' posts of mine about the dc, and I like to see what she's posted when she has my dc. She has dc of her own, who my dc get on well with, and they all went to Devon in the summer. I liked being able to see pictures she put up of where they were, she didn't put any up of the dc though thankfully.

I think in your case it would be odd to be fb friends if she has caused you a lot of trouble and you've never really cleared the air.

MrBloomsNursery · 04/11/2011 17:13

So you stole another woman's man? Hmm

Cinders77 · 04/11/2011 17:15

No mrbloom...they were apart afew months before we got together.

starsintheireyes · 04/11/2011 17:19

I have an almost identical story to stff, although i requested her as a friend but for the same reasons. Id agree that in your case it would be very odd, Id be very suss of her motivations to request you as a friend and just ignore!

Kytti · 04/11/2011 17:26

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!! No no no! Shock

roses2 · 04/11/2011 17:56

You can accept her then add her to the "restricted" list so she can't see anything on your profile. Then you can have a good old nose at her life!