Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to throw my partners clothes out in bin bags...

47 replies

Happylander · 03/11/2011 09:26

My partner told me over the phone on Monday that he has left me. Totally out the blue. Two weekends before he was raving about he excited he was to be going on the skiing holiday I had booked and paid for that previous month and how much he was looking forward to marrying me legally (had a commitment ceremony last year..long story!) so I really wasn't expecting it. I have begged for him to talk to me face to face but he refused and I have begged for a second chance and to try Relate but again he has refused.

He had not expressed he was unhappy at all. I have not been the easiest person to be around as I have quite bad PTSD from a very traumatic birth of our son, have had a General Medical Council hearing in regards to the birth held last month and also an ongoing medical negligence claim. Oh and he doesn't live with me during week as he is in army and I work two nights a week and a long day as well as look after our toddler so lots of stresses for me and very little sleep. I have not been the same bright bubbly person he first met.

So was I unreasonable to throw his clothes out (I did put them in bin bags and cover them in a tarpaulin so they wouldn't get wet) when I found a trip to the cinema and a hotel bill that I knew nothing about on his bank statement yesterday???? He seems to think I was, I think he is lucky I didn't burn it.

He also thinks he is entitled to half of any compensation I am going to get despite walking out while I am still sick. Plus he has not paid his half the mortgage this month and is saying he isn't going to.

OP posts:

DoesNotGiveAFig · 03/11/2011 11:02

I don't even understand why he would be entitled to any of your compo even if he stayed with you. HE didn't give birth, YOU did!

Viagrafalls · 03/11/2011 11:10

I think he sounds entitled - to a bloody hard time! I am so sorry you are going through this OP. Try to be strong for the sake of your child. You have many years ahead in which to turn your child against his father work through visitation needs.

cestlavielife · 03/11/2011 11:16

His name is on the deeds and it is a joint mortgage. According to the deedds he is only entitled to 18%.

that is pretty clear then.
get some valuations and offer him his 18 % to buy him out.
that is under trusts of lands act TOLATA/TLATA(as you not married)

however you can also put in claim to keep this 18 % in child's name til child finishes education - under childrens act. it is complex and you would need a lawyer. depends on your financial situation.

you can ask him for maintanence for the child . if he wont pay up go to CSA.

Original poster

Happylander · 03/11/2011 11:39

Thankfully he would not stop paying for his child. I threatened him with going to his CO if he carried on refusing to pay mortgage and he has all of a sudden turned around and asked for bank account details to set up new standing order. Suddenly gone from being nasty about it to 'oh I would never let you lose the house'

The compensation was for me only thankfully my son was born with no issues it was only me that nearly died.

OP posts:

cwtch4967 · 03/11/2011 13:29

It is hard when a relationship ends - my ex husband had an affair and it was very hard to deal with all the hurt BUT you need to try and be civil to each other and work at sorting things out together.
I think you were being unreasonable in putting everything outside.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 03/11/2011 13:31

YANBU at all.

Original poster

Happylander · 03/11/2011 13:48

CWTCH he is refusing to talk me. He has refused to fully explain why he has gone from saying I am his soulmate, can't wait to marry me, go on holiday etc etc to telling me over the phone he has left in the space of 2 weeks. He has been very unreasonable since. Will not even consider sitting down like adults and talking about this and seeing if we could at least try for the sake of 2 year old son. I put his stuff out in bin bags and covered in tarpaulin so they would not get damaged because I could not have watched him pack up himself as I would have broken down.

maybe I should give you his phone number and you can join in with him in saying how unreasonable I was for doing it

OP posts:

PopcornMouse · 03/11/2011 13:56

happy I know it doesn't help, but if that's his attitude then you're better off without him, you really are :(

samandi · 03/11/2011 14:22

Not sure why he would be entitled to compensation.

Normally I cringe when I hear of people doing stuff like this - throwing ex's clothes out, keying the car etc. but tbh if I was in the same situation I don't know what I'd do. As another poster pointed out he didn't behave at all reasonably, so your response is appropriate.

Although there's no legal issue here, is there?

Personally if I was planning on leaving my partner in such a horrible and cowardly way I'd make sure all my personal belongings were out first! What a twit.

samandi · 03/11/2011 14:23

Actually rereading it he sounds positively repulsive. Well rid.

IM226 · 03/11/2011 15:07

YANBU! it's not like you left them scattered on the lawn with the crotch cut out of them. Stay strong and good luck.

ecclesvet · 03/11/2011 19:31

DoesNotGiveAFig

Which comment/thread is that? I knew that my opinion would be the minority on this thread; I just can't stand the whole 'he did a bad thing so you have carte blanche to be as ridiculously childish as you like' attitude (which OP is not exhibiting here, imo).

KittyFane · 03/11/2011 20:01

If you can bear to, spend the next few weeks getting as much advice as you can, spitting up finances, sorting out accounts and mortgage, getting him out of your life.
Be brave if you can, be ruthless because he is an utter ba**d and you need to be free of him.

Then...breathe (and start again- working at getting your confidence back).

YANBU at all. :(

cwtch4967 · 03/11/2011 20:03

I didn't say he wasn't being unreasonable - but just because he is doesn't mean that you can be too. That is how things spiral out of control and it gets worse for everyone in the long run.
You have a child together so you are going to have to deal with each other for a very long time.
Two wrongs don't make a right. I know there is real temptation to lash out and hurt him but try and rise above it for your sake.

KittyFane · 03/11/2011 20:06

Eccles I sort of understand what you're saying but people react differently. I agree that if you behave in a dignified way when people throw s**t at you then you remain the better person. It's hard to do and the OP doesn't need a lecture on manners at the moment. She has done what she has done.

northernwreck · 03/11/2011 20:14

Sometimes an act of vengeance is just what the doctor ordered, and stops you feeling so shat on.
But then I am vey vey childish.
When you are feeling a bit better, sleep with his best friend. That should do it.

Original poster

Happylander · 05/11/2011 14:25

Nah don't want to sleep with his best mates. He doesn't have that many actually and none that he sees or even speaks to on a regular basis.

He was sobbing down the phone to me yesterday about how hard this was for him etc etc and I was actually quite worried about him. However, due to the wonderful delights of facebook I was told his status said 'morning world'. Hardly the status of a man in the deep depths of despair and sadness. So sad that he couldn't handle having his son for the week after christmas because it has all been too much for him and he is going on holiday that week. Again on the wonderful facebook he had as his status 'off to see Jake for the day' er 4 hrs more like. Arrived an hour late and bought him back 3 hours early. He has certainly showed me he is not the man I thought he was.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 05/11/2011 14:33

YWNBU - perfectly reasonable to bag up his belongings and put them outside where he could pick them up without disturbing you. UNreasonable would have been to cut them into pieces, or wee in the bags, or not bother with the bin bags at all (or set them on fire, come to that).

He is a cock and has almost certainly got an OW on the go. Some men do just change like a switch has been flicked, looks like you've got one of those. Makes him a selfish knobjockey, especially the way he's been with your DS.

And of course he's not entitled to half your compensation! Unless he went through half the trauma and pain at the same time as you of course, which I very much doubt.

troisgarcons · 05/11/2011 14:36

I don't even understand why he would be entitled to any of your compo even if he stayed with you. HE didn't give birth, YOU did!

The law is a funny thing:

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1354470/Disabled-crash-victim-fights-save-home-ex-wife-wins-500k-damages.html

A man left disabled after a road crash could be forced to sell his home after a judge ordered him to hand more than half his compensation payout to his ex-wife.
Kevin Mansfield, 41, lost a leg and suffered serious spinal injuries when he was hit by a car in 1992.
He received £500,000 compensation in 1998, five years before he met Cathryn, 37. The couple married in 2003 and had two children but split up five years later.
And in a landmark ruling, Cathryn was awarded more than half the damages payment, even though it was intended specifically to make Mr Mansfield?s life easier.
The judge said the money should be regarded simply as an asset of the marriage, and that £285,000 should go to Mrs Mansfield.

Thumbwitch · 05/11/2011 14:53

The judge is an ass in that case, for sure. An ass.

Original poster

Happylander · 05/11/2011 14:54

Yes but we were not legally married and he has walked out before I have been awarded it yet so hopefully he will back off on that one. Plus he is not entitled to legal aid and this would surely be one very long battle.

He is going from being nice to being horrible to then accusing me of being horrible when I react to the shit he is spouting. He is being very manipulative and putting all the blame on me and quite frankly I want to scream!

I am trying my best to remain civil and keep a friendly tone but it is difficult knowing he is telling people a different story to what has actually gone on and painting himself to be the victim. I asked him by text yesterday if he was going to have our son when I go away for a weekend I had already planned before he left. He ignored. Sent another which was again ignored. Sent another one today again ignored. SO I then sent a text saying 'ok I take it by the fact you have ignored my previous texts that you won't be having Jake so I will find someone else as it is only 3 weeks away and I need to make sure I have childcare' response back straight away ' if that is what you want' my response 'well no it isn't I would have thought you would want your son. I am trying my hardest to make sure DS sees you' nothing back for ages. This is a man that used to respond to every text within minutes. So I went and arranged for my sister to have him that weekend. Later on he text 'I'll have him' ?!?!?!?!?!?! To me it seemed like he had to check with someone but anyway I have made plans for my DS now and I am not changing them. I do not want to set up a precedence of him ignoring requests for childcare and waiting for me to arrange something and then taking over.

Sorry I am in a very ranting mood and my DS is in bed and I, despite him being a cock, am missing him being here.

OP posts:

SaffronCake · 05/11/2011 16:12

YANBU at all.

Your PTSD has got nothing to do with it. The man says he loves you in the strongest terms (marriage and all) then a fortnight later dumps you by phone without warning and wont even talk to you?

And you think YOU'RE unreasonable?

Of course I'd have thrown his clothes out, and every other aspect of his existance. It's not my job to look after my ex's belongings, it's his job to get his shit out of my house.

He's the one that has declared he is no longer your problem, what did he think you'd do, iron them for him? Over is over and you're not Big Yellow Self Store, out they go.

Cheating bastard.

Flip

1 2