Or are my parents and my sister as bad as each other?

[NinkyNonker]

Either that or I am an unchaitable grinch who has no idea of what parental responsibility entails...I'm not sue.

Back story. My 28 yr old sister works abroad a lot, 3 to 4 months away and then 1 to 2 months home. When she is home she lives rent free in the annexe of my parents' home. She is a little, temperamental, demanding, whatever the word and is the doyenne of the family. I have a little lingering resentment that would make this thread far too long so I shan't go into it!

Anyway, in the last few months she has decided she wants to buy a house, and is sick of being with my parents. (Who while very loving, can be quite difficult.) To do this she needs a deposit of circa £25k from my parents, this is fine as I had the same a few years back. (Mostly gone since housing crash but I still have the flat.) As she is away, she enlisted my parents to help when she had an offer in on a place and needed help chasing people etc. That fell through, but the seed has been sown and now they are busier than she is,. shortlisting properties (she has full internet and phone access, earns a very good salary with no overheads and works shifts so has time and funds to sort herself), speaking to agents, liaising with owners etc etc. They are stressed about it as they refuse to aknowledge that she is an adult.

My mum was meant to be coming to my area (about 2 hr journey) tomorrow for a medical appointment and to see me and DD, we haven't seen her in a few weeks. Yet this eve she phoned to say she was putting it on hold because my sister had an offer refused on a property and so may decide she wants to go home on Friday morning to see another property. I didn't think anything of it (changing plans for DSIS is the norm) until I realised the house is a 5 min walk from the public transport she'll be using. I asked mum why DSIS couldn't just walk instead of requiring my mum to drive for 15 mins, wait, collect her, drive her 2 mins to house, wait (if she was allowed to view as well her opinion would not be welcome), drive the 2 mins back to transport then 15 mins home again. I was told that DSIS would probably be in a rush and it might rain. I am also meant to be seeing DSIS for lunch on Friday (an hour's drive but I had the summons) but of course that may not happen if it is all too stressful, but mum is sure she'll let me know on Friday.

I did point out fairly forcibly that DSIS is 28, and capable of soting herself out. That I didn't get the rush/panic, and that mum and dad were not doing he any favours by perpetuating this behaviour. Apparently if they try to have words she 'makes their life hell'. Again I pointed out that that doesn't make her right, they are the parents and should stand up for themselves.

I mentioned this to DH and he was put out on my behalf that all plans to see me and their beloved DGD (I will get the 'oh I haven't seen her in so long' nest week, guaranteed) go out of the window on the offchance that my sister might need a lift 2 minutes up the road the following day, but this side of things hadn't really occurred to me as I am so used to my sister's requirements being put first.

Phew! Anyway. That was really long, but AIBU in thinking that they are far too involved and my sister needs to pull her finger out?

Excuse typos, my R key is temperamental, as is the space bar and a few othes.

She sounds like a nightmare.

She can be. My parents acknowledge this (as per their 'make our lives hell' comment) but if anyone were to upset her by standing up to her they will always take her side. I just don't get it.

Maybe all this helping her out is their way to get rid once and for all? And if that's the case may be you should let them get on with it?

My PILs behave like this with my BIL and SIL.

Luckily my DH had the balls to make it clear he/we are capable adults and can manage such things by ourselves.

My PILs do it to compensate for their perceived shortcomings when their DCs were children. Does your DSis have some emotional hold over them? Or would they treat you like it too if you let them? In other words, are they scared to be empty-nesters, not needed by you and your DSis? Do they have anything else going on in their lives, or are you and her their reason for being?

Your DSis is enabling their behaviour by doing nothing to prevent it. They are both as bad as each other! Good for you for being the bigger person.

YANBU.

They would absolutely do it to me. My dad has even said he wants to be a father to DH (who is a successful nearly 40 yr old with 3 elder brothers and a lovely mother!) as his died a few years ago. I have to be subtle in my independence else the guilt trips emerge! For some reason see me as the incapable one, which is funny really, whilst on the other hand telling me sadly how jealous DSIS is of me, how she wants a DH and children etc... I think I'm meant to feel guilty about it. On telling them I was pregnant with dc2 the second line my mother said was "have you told your sister?" and whipped her mobile out to text her. Then sadly told me how this would bring it home to DSIS how much she wanted this.

Haha, my mum just emailed to say that whilst she hadn't hears from my SIS as to what her plans were, she thought she'd better stay home tomorrow anyway as she thinks she may be getting a cold and doesn't want to pass it on. (She knows I already have one.) She also went to great pains to explain why this cold wouldn't be a risk to my frail, 91 yr old grandmother to whose house she is going on Friday for a few days.

Errr, ok mum, it isn't just that you want to be available at the drop of a hat for DSIS should she decide she wants a lift down the road then?!

YANBU to be annoyed, but I guess after 28 years of the same pattern YABU to be surprised. My DH's parents treat DH and DSIL completely differently even though DH is the younger one - DSIL cannot be expected to do anything without help e.g. we both live abroad from DPIL's, they visit DSIL regularly to help with things, they helped her settle in her new country, bought her a car, helped her buy the furniture, offered to buy her a flat. Pre-birth of DD they only visited us twice in 7 years. Their logic is that we have each other whilst DSIL is single so needs more support. Do you think that your parents perhaps have the same point of view with your sister (whether logical or not?).

YANBU to be really frustrated with this. Whether anything can be done to change it, I don't know.

I think all you can do is fix times for your DD to see her GPs and if they don't stick to them, don't break your back to fit them in at other times.

I have shades of same with my parents who are a total pain in the arse, moan constantly about not seeing me/kids but refuse to drive over (I don't have a car and it is 90 mins each way on public transport, 25 mins each way by car), constantly look after sister's kids but not mine (hers are much older so she kind of 'baggsied' their childminding time). I now just say every time they moan - well you were invited to x, you can drive over anytime, you know where we are - it's your choice not to see us!

Let's just say it's more common than you think

You might want to say to them though 'If you continually let DD down to do something for DSIS, then don't be too surprised if she notices and is upset by it as I am'.

Sounds very like my sister. I've realised over the years that my parents are partly to blame for her being the way she is. My mum equates practical help with love, so she won't tell anyone she loves them or hug them or anything but she will shower them in money and be there on a practical level if things go wrong. My sister is a very needy insecure person who has become addicted to this practical help as she needs it in order to prove to herself that she is loved. Like your sister she isn't in a relationship, has no children and lives at home with my parents. She treats everyone like her personal slave and gets really upset if people won't jump to her every command. It used to really piss me off but now I realise that in her mind if someone won't do something for her it means that they don't care about her. I feel so sorry for her and I believe her neediness and inability to be independent is why so many relationships have gone wrong for her. My mother has fucked me up too but I think but I've sort of dealt with it and it doesn't affect me as much. My mother has always complained that I'm "too independent" and that I "never let her mother me." I'm glad I've broken away from her as I could have ended up like my sister.

I know the situation is very annoying for you and I sympathise completely. Everything in my mother's life comes before me too, including my sister, but I realise it's because my mother sees me as not needing her, just because I don't need to be bailed out every ten seconds like my sister does. In some way my sisters neediness satisfies my mother and makes her feel wanted. I suspect the same may be true for your mother. It's a very unhealthy dynamic that is hard to break. The only thing that has stopped me from feeling hurt and annoyed is to try to detach myself and let them get on with it. In other words, I have taken myself out of the dynamic completely and just get on with my own thing. It's hard but it's better than getting worked up about it.

this is my sister and parents!!!

ok not actually but pretty much the same. i have no advice just sympathy. they're as bad as each other. i just leave them all to it.

Db's like that too, except he doesn't live with them. We had the Christmas we invited dp to stay (we couldn't fit more than 2 extra people in) as db was working, and they wouldn't come without him usually so it seemed a good chance. They couldn't come in case he decided he wanted to see them. The fact that they saw him more often than every other weekend, and us (due to distance) 2-3 times a year, if that, and that we probably wouldn't get the chance again (and haven't, 7 years later) took second place to he "might" want to see them round his 12 hour shift.

There ought to be a dating agency for people like this where there siblings can nominate them...

My mum is the same with my younger sister. It's so frustrating! Only difference is she wouldn't do the same for me. I got into debt when I was younger when my ex stole from me. I was at uni and working but was told it was my fault and to get on with it. Earlier this year my sister decided to book a holiday and was house hunting (renting) at the same time. She found a house she liked but couldn't afford the deposit and agency fees because she'd paid for a holiday so my mum gave her the money Mum and dad are constantly stressed trying to sort out her car service/MOT/repairs/house repairs/new car hunting/getting her to pay back her overdraft etc. Even stupid things like whether she takes a packed lunch to work. FGS she's 25!

Anyway, I've given up saying anything. YANBU!

If she says how much she misses your DC perhaps remind her why she hasn't seen them for so long? Although if she's anything like my mum she'll have a load of excuses.

And your mother is missing a medical appointment for this entirely spurious reason? shock] Her doctors will be impressed!

"(I will get the 'oh I haven't seen her in so long' nest week, guaranteed)"
T which the response shuld be "Well, that was your choice."

Yes, they are as bad as each other.

They would do the same for me in regards to financial (but always with strings, always held over me) or practical help...but with strings or judgements unlike for my sister. Whenever I have changed jobs etc I have had comments about never sticking things, or when I went back to uni there was no comment bar "well, you'd better actually finish something this time or we won't support you again". I supported myself by the way, bar living in the annexe for a small rent (that my sister doesn't pay when home). She went to uni too for 7 years in total having left school early, lived away which I couldn't do cause I couldn't afford it, had an allowance from my parents (which they kept very quiet) which meant no job during term time etc etc. I worked two jobs during term time to pay for my food, rent, £1500 p/a travel (necessary as I was living at home), books etc etc and yet she is the independent one and I am the troublemaking one who apparently can't do thing right and has never had a proper job...according to my dad, though apparently that was a joke. (I am a teacher, btw and was a Global Marketing Manager for a multi-national before that.)

And breathe!

Anyway, my sister still hasn't been in touch with my mother so she has a wasted day (as do I as I hadn't made plans obviously) but of course she does have a cough.