AIBU to have felt so utterly awful about a woman

[Clossaintjacques]

with what I suspect must be an eating disorder putting herself through a punishing work out at the gym today. I felt so terrible seeing her that I had a strong urge to going over and asking her to please stop.

Just to be clear this woman was not simply naturally skinny she was very very underweight with the white downy hair people get when they don't eat. She couldn't have weighed much more than 5 stone at a guess.

I just felt I wanted to step in and stop her exercising but obviously it is none of my business and I am not qualified to help so I didn't. However, I feel strangely guilty about watching someone so dangerously under weight doing exercise for such a long time.

I would have mentioned it to the Gym.. do they have some sort of duty of care over their members?

I was thinking about that Knitter but I am not sure whether they would be able to do anything.

I just found the situation so awful that a place trying to sell fitness was actually helping facilitate someone damaging their health.

I don't think they can do anything, whilst working as a lifeguard I watched a woman starve herself to nothing. She'd take a bottle of laxatives and a packet of those herbal laxative thingys every morning in the changing village and then swim for 90 mins to 2 hours, getting out every 10 mins to trot to the loo. She was emaciated to absolutely nothing and would regularly feel faint when she got out. Despite a couple of us reporting it several times, we were told they couldn't do anything about it. Tbh we dreaded the day she died in the pool, it's just sad what some people feel they need to do to themselves.

Oh Gosh that's awful Chulita.

YANBU. Many years ago when I suffered from an eating disorder, I used to go to my local gym for a punishing workout, at least once a day. After a while, I was approached by a member of their management and politely told that I wasn't allowed to come back unless I brought a letter from my GP stating that it was safe for me to work out, given how underweight I was (6 and a half stone). At the time, I was furious, and imagined that they somehow had it in for me. I'm now recovered, and fully thankful to them for taking such a responsible stand.

I'm not sure what to advise here, but I agree that it's irresponsible for this gym to allow this to continue.

closs there's a woman like that at my gym - she pounds the treadmill, bike, ski machine and other cardio machines for absolutely ages and doesn't touch anything else, or stretch. You can't interfere, though - at most I suppose you could mention it quietly to the gym, perhaps at a time when she isn't there. Personally I think it's crazy that they don't intervene somehow, but then my gym is a bit rubbish and they don't even step in when people are using the machines incorrectly and risking injury.

My SIL has anorexia and has spent a lot of time on the cardio machines at the gym and has exercised to the point of serious injury. Thankfully she's recovering now and has an excellent dietician and therapist. If you'd tried to speak to her in the gym I think you'd probably have got a scathing response and it wouldn't have changed anything for her. People with eating disorders generally need to come to their own conclusions and I doubt advice from a stranger would help. I genuinely don't think there's anything you can do, though...

Jock
I am glad you're better now. Did the gym refusing you help you to get on the road to recovery?

I suppose asking her to please stop would be like going up to a smoker and asking them to please stop because cigarettes are bad for you.

Sad but not really something a bystander can do anything about IMO.

I agree that it's ill-advised to approach the woman yourself, it's not really your place to intervene, and I doubt it would be well received. A word with the staff is probably for the best, and let them take it from there.

YANBU I would try speaking to the gym. This thread actually has me crying :( My brothers SIL to be has anorexia, and I have often held my SIL (DBs OH) while she sobs her heart out that her sister is so ill :(

I do think they have a duty of care but then I suppose it would be like a Pizza restaurant refusing to serve someone who is at the extreme end obese.

Pubs however are legally bound not to serve someone alcohol if they are drunk.

The gym didn't offer any help, no - but I wouldn't expect that from them. I've never gone back - I'm a bit embarrassed at what I'd become I suppose, and that I'd put them in the position of having to deal with me. It was years ago, and I'm certain they wouldn't recognise me now!

I was anorexic for a long time, and I remember often getting stared at in the gym.

I used to tell myself they were jealous

Not sure there's much you can do, OP.

I do a bit of running, and I've noticed something similar. I often see a woman out running who is desperately emaciated, she's literally skeletal. It hurts to see her running, I often want to approach her but I dont see how I could in honesty. What could I - a total stranger - say? Yet it's like seeing a suicide in slow motion.

Well done Jock for recovering fully.

OP, I don't think it would be out of order to say something discretely to the management ( or perhaps a phone call). In a way it's like watching someone slowly commit suicide; the right thing to do is intervene.

YANBU to feel that way, but I think mentioning it to the gym would do more harm than good. A close friend of mine suffers from anorexia and when she was banned from going to one of the places that was part of her daily routine she really fell to bits - having control taken away from her like that was devastating. If this woman is so set on exercising she isn't going to change her mind - if she can't go to the gym she'll find another way, which will probably be more dangerous for her. At least if she collapses in the gym there are people there to get her some help.

Oh sorry - I just realised I misunderstood your question .

I don't think their refusal to admit me actually helped but, it happened at around the same time that friends were telling me they were concerned about me. Again, I questioned my friends' motives - I thought they were in collusion with each other to make me feel bad! God, I was quite awful and self-absorbed at the time!

Thanks closs, and I think it's lovely of you to be concerned about this poor stranger. She will only recover (if at all) when she's ready to start that journey though, and ime, that will be a long road for her.

IWAB
You point crossed my mind and it just made feel so powerless to help. I understand a bit about eating disorders even though I have never suffered myself but I know it's psychological and not always about being slim but being in control.

Thanks Jock

I believe that gyms do have a duty of care to their members. You should report it.

There is nothing you can do OP, if the gym banned get she would get very stressed out (it is a lot to do with routine and control) and would only find somewhere else to do her exercise. I'm sure she has friends and family that are trying to provide the help she needs.

I remember going to a high impact aerobics class at a gym, where a girl like you describe, so skinny you could see her skull through her face, was working out with weights strapped all over her. The aerobics teacher banned her from doing the high impact work. Gyms can step in, so it's worth mentioning it to them.

As much as it's upsetting, I don't think there's anything you can do. I guess the gym would only say something if she fainted/collapsed?
Similarly, you couldn't approach a store owner after witnessing a morbidly obese person load their trolly with sugary pop and junk food.