to move next door to my mum and still want our privacy?

[TeacupTempest]

I am 34 weeks pregnant and yesterday we moved into a cottage (owned by another family member) next door to my parents. We did this as we usually live at the other end of the country and decided that it would be nice to be around family and friends (DH''s also close by) for the first few months of DC's life before we head off again.

We initially looked into renting a cottage in a neighbouring village but when offered this one pretty much rent free we decided it was too good an offer not to give it a go.

Mum and I have a "complicated" relationship that I often struggle to deal with. I love her I really do and she is often lovely but she is also often...manipulative, controlling and hyper critical.

My childhood was, well, stressful and there have been instances of emotional and physical abuse (god I hate saying that as it sounds a bit over dramatic) She ruined my wedding day for me last year (too long a story) and I am still feeling a bit fragile form that. We have also had a very hectic and stressful few months recently and I am also going through recovery from anorexia. Joy!

Already in the last 24 hours Mum has simply walked into the cottage without knocking (DH and I work form home), told me I should go next door to see people they have over for lunch even, got ion a strop when we decline an offer to go round for dinner (VERY stressful for me) etc...

This sounds so lame when I write it down like this but we need our space, I need to relax and I can't help but think that we aren't going to get our own space here.

I don't want to upset her so feel sick at the thought of telling her to knock or that she isn't welcome all the time, especially as her house is always open to us (very big farm house, big family always coming and going etc)

At a bit of a loss. Should I give it more time? Have a firm word with her (this option makes me feel sick) Move somewhere else?.

I really should point out that my mum is also very good to us and I know she loves us. I don't think she knows how she come across sometimes and I certainly don't think she has admitted to herself that her behaviour during my childhood in any way inappropriate.

Sorry not sure this post even makes sense now...

Keep the door locked. If she complains, tell her DH feels safer that way.
"Yes, I know it's silly, but he's paranoid, especially now that I'm pregnant..."
Don't let her have a key?you've "lost" the spare, if she asks for one.
And tell her that you have fixed working hours when you need not to be interrupted.

OP- in the nicest possible way, the only bit that makes no sense is why on earth you moved next door to your mother, given your history.

Given that you have for some totally mad reason, just lock the door. Put a bolt or something on so that she cant just wander in.

and plan to move before the summer.

but seriously, love, what were you thinking?

aquafunf god only knows... I think partly because it not a simple as her being an awful person. That would make things easier. She is also my mum, has her good points and I love her. The rest of my family are also close by and wanted them all to be around for DC. I think I want so badly to have a different relationship with her.

Also, being here saves us quite a lot of money!

Tis only for 6 months max!

Right door is now locked!

Crazy to move right next door to her from the sound of things!

Just lock the door and be thankful you haven't moved there for life!
Do this now as you will find it even more maddening when you have a newborn baby and she is wandering in uninvited.

Start as you mean to go on-it will be impossible later on.

Teacup, you sound like a slightly scatty, but lovely person. However, I'm with everybody else - WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???! But what's done is done. This will continue for the next 6 months, so you really are going to have to accept that it will be a bit tricky, but it's for a limited amount of time. And she may be a godsend once the baba is here .

If I were you I would start to look for another place and move on, whatever it costs.

I appreciate the people who say "set some boundaries", but my experience of parents is that many will ignore any boundaries set, and it doesn't sound as though your mother is likely to respect them. Mine ignore hints and clear decriptions equally, however clearly we have laid the boundaries down. Distance is the answer.

Lock the door for now, and look into getting the locks changed so she can't accidentally acquire a spare key from the relative you are leasing from. Keep the old locks so you can change them back before you move.

Luck!

I live on the same estate as my parents. We have our own front door and it's always locked. I tend to pop my head around the door if I'm off to town and they might need something (live really rural) but we tend to conduct our own lives.

The novelty might very well wear off soon.

My ds (19 mo) often just lets himself into their house (I am 36 weeks pg) so I only really go over to retrieve him (usually helping himself to the pantry).

The plus side is, if me or dh have to pop somewhere in the evening my mother or father are close by to just sit in the house.

I can understand where you're coming from, Teacup. You sound like a lovely person. But you do need your own space and privacy, and there's nothing wrong with insisting on this. Can you suggest certain times when she will be able to come round, so that she has these to look forward to rather than popping in at any time?

Everything everyone is saying makes sense. DH was very keen to give this a go and I think I was hoping I might be a bit stronger and that it could actually help my relationship with my mum (!).

We do live rurally and I guess a certain amount of popping round to see if we need anything is nice - and yes maybe the novelty will wear off. . .

I need to grow a backbone and stand my ground.

Also, tend to pop to hers for say 15 minutes in the morning for a cuppa, have a chat and that might curb her insistence on popping over to yours.

Oh God!

Honestly- not joking- could you move again?

Your mum can be a bit manipulative and controlling, you like your privacy... If you're finding her attitude hard now, it is NOTHING compared to how you will feel with a newborn. You will really, really need your privacy then- to learn how to do things your way, to sit in your dressing gown, to be upset and tired and go at your own pace.

There are lots of threads on here detailing the horrible problems that can result from pushy grandparents in the mix in the early baby days- advice is generally to keep them at bay, to give yourself the special time you need to become a new little family of your own.

Your mum might accept a locked door now, but when your baby is here chances are it will be a different story, and she's going to want to be THERE. and I can guarantee that this will be the very, very last thing you want, especially if she is the type you say.

Having a baby can be one of the most stressful of times in terms of managing other relationships in the family, and if you have a mum who is more likely to try and tell you what to do, monopolise the baby, and get pushy, manipulative and unreasonable when you set boundaries, then being so close is more likely to finish your relationship off than improve it. Oh, and turn your time with your new baby into a stressful instead of a happy one.

You have eight, maybe nine or ten weeks before the baby is here. If your plan is to move anyway when the baby is about four months (!!)- save yourself a huge amount of grief and move NOW. Somewhere at least a few miles away!!

If you have any chance of saying "we've been really stupid not to think of this before - but moving house with a small baby is going to be a nightmare so we've decided to do it now" then DO IT.

Otherwise -

Lock the doors. Don't give her a key.

Make sure you've got decent curtains on all the windows and doors that can't be peered through.

Get one of those doorbells where the indoor unit plugs in to a plug socket - so you can switch it off when needed.

If she pops round, don't answer the door if it's really inconvenient (eg you were asleep, you aren't dressed, its 7am, its 10pm, etc). Get her used to the idea that you do not have to answer the door to her - you'll need that when the baby is born.

If its a reasonable time to answer the door but you don't really want her to visit right now, don't ask her in. Stand firmly in the middle of the doorway and chat for a minute and then say "now isn't a good time for me, goodbye". Don't engage in an argument, just interrupt with "bye for now" and a big smile, and shut the door on her. Don't tell her you're busy or make any excuses - those can be argued against and are not necessary. Its your home. You can see who you like.

If your mum is too in your face, try "Mum, I'm feeling really crowded, back off a bit". Seriously, don't be afraid of offending her. She has so much more to lose than you!

Just reread your OP.

Why don't you want to upset her? She is clearly upsetting you. Is the unhappiness only allowed to go one way?

Feeling sick at the thought of asking your mum to give you a normal amount of privacy is not normal. The fact that your mum makes you feel like this is her fault not yours. But I understand (abusive mum here, too). Will your dh do it for you? It's his home too.

The plus point of living next door is that you'll be more able to say "now isn't a good time" than if your mum has travelled to see you, uninvited. [hunts for silver linings]

Before I read your thread I was going to say that she is proabably just excited at having you so close, but after hearing your story I think you should do what it takes to move away. I sounds like your mother really isn't a good influence for you.

I also think you should move, and think about talking to someone about your childhood, because it will probably loom large when you have had the baby.

I understand why you wanted to be close by - practically, it makes sense, but it seems like you are trying to repair something in a hurry. I also wonder if you are trying to give her a chance because you need mothering right now.

Your childhood experiences already show that she doesn't respect boundaries. I think that if she behaves badly now then you will lose the chance to improve the relationship - a chance you might have if you move away and start a new chapter with yourself as the adult and mother.

sorry - I should have said "A chance you will have if you move away ..."

thankyou

Right now,you need to concentrate your energies on being a mother,and not on being a daughter.

Your mother is a fully grown adult,who has had plenty of time to reflect on her relationship with you,you do not owe her this precious time.You won't fix years of a dysfuntional relationship with 6 months of being neighbours.

Move,that would be my advice.Enjoy this precious bonding time with your baby without having the stress of dealing with your mother.

how about next time she has people to lunch you and DH strip off so when she pops around to get you to go next door you can look as if you were in flagrante delicto? Hopefully she'll be so embarrassed she'll start to knock.

I have lived with my (wonderful) MIL 2 doors away for a few years and although she is not intrusive, DH and I often put the bolt on when we really 'don't want to be disturbed', just in case. It also stops teenaged kids who are supposed to be out for the duration 'just popping back for my trainers / heels / laptop' etc. without you being warned as they always run straight upstairs with no thought that mum and dad might be after a bit of time to themselves!

Wow lots of responses! Thanks so much for the advise everyone. I have to say though that I am feeling somewhat more panicked about it all form the warnings people have given me.

I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I seen someone for the eating disorder (in the past) and obviously touched upon some of my childhood issues then. It is something I am thinking of going back to once little one is born too.

I guess I was seeking some sort of happy ending but have been a bit misguided about timings. In reality finding somewhere in the next few weeks for only a six month period is going to be tricky but I think I will do some research and see what is achievable. In the meantime the door is locked and the curtains drawn. DH has also sworn to protect me (in fact her stood in her way this morning so she couldn't just wandering in at breakfast) and I think he is beginning to see that the money saving might not be as appealing as he thought.

Its feels so tricky because as much as I have negative feelings towards her I also, simultaneously, love her and have good feelings towards her.

Anyway I can't immediately move on so will start work on establishing boundaries as damage limitation...