Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH doesn't spend time with DS?

23 replies

dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 12:17

DH had a weekday off which was also an inset day for DS1, so I thought we could spend some time together without the other DCs around.

DS needed new clothes so I took him out shopping while DH was at gym (new hobby, but that's another thread!), agreeing to go swimming together later - an idea suggested by DH.

I didn't know what time I would be back and told him to just do his gym thing and we'd see him whenever we got back.

DH came home from gym with wet trunks, having already been swimming, asking what time I was taking DS there.

AIBU to be annoyed at his selfish view on life?

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 02/11/2011 12:28

YABU - you told him to do his gym thing, and he obviously misunderstood that to include swimming!

Ephiny · 02/11/2011 12:31

Sounds more like a communication issue than anything else! I agree he probably misunderstood what you meant.

Does he generally not spend much time with DS? Because this incident sounds like a complete non-issue to me, but I can understand if it's part of a general pattern.

seeker · 02/11/2011 12:33

Why is that selfish?

MrsCarriePooter · 02/11/2011 12:35

In any case why can't he take his wet trunks back to the pool, put them on and go swimming with you both? If he's gone swimming on his own then presumably he's been ploughing up and down the lanes so it's not as though that's the same activity as he'll be doing with you two anyway.

emkana · 02/11/2011 12:35

So dh suggested that you all go swimming together? How dud he phrase it?

redskyatnight · 02/11/2011 12:36

I agree this particular occasion sounds like a mis-communication.

Does he otherwise do things with DS? Especially things that are just him and DS?

Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 12:37

It is part of a bigger picture to be fair, so I understand if it sounds like I'm over-reacting looking back at it. He just doesn't seem to want to spend time with DCs and this is just another example in a long line. As an isolated incident, yes just looks like lack of communication. I'll bow out now shall I?!

OP posts:
Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 12:38

Emkana - he silently pointed at the swim timetable where it said "family swim" with raised eyebrows so that DS wouldn't know he'd suggested it.

I presumed "family swim" meant all of us - he obv thought it meant me & DS!

OP posts:
Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 12:39

there was a bit of a discussion about it in between but I definitely thought we were all going together.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 02/11/2011 12:42

Your post read to me as though he'd assumed that you and DS would join him at the gym after your shopping. Hence him asking what time you were going (when he'd given up waiting for you and come home).

How old is DS? I know my DH is enjoying spending mroe time with our DS now DS is older.

Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 12:45

Red Sky, he never does anything with any of them by choice, certainly not without me involved too. Rolled his eyes at the suggestion of going to the park at the weekend and then started asking how long we'd be there & 101 questions about the logistics of getting there. I usually lose the will to live at that point and say, lets just leave it, as its easier than convincing him to join in.

My SIL noticed him "brighten up" at the thought that he could go to the gym while we all went to the park though. Its a new hobby for him so he is enthusiastic, but it is starting to take over, leaving even less time for family stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 12:48

DS is 11, so really at an age where he needs a bit more man-time, which is why its upsetting me really. I've always thought he would get more involved when DS was older, but its not happening yet and they are so similar and could have a lovely relationship, but he just doesn't want to put the hours in.

He certainly wasn't waiting for us to join him, but as I couldn't give him a definitive time that I'd be back he obv took that as not wanting to go together.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 02/11/2011 12:50

Have you had a talk with him about it? I think there are several points to make - firstly it's good to spend time together as a family (for the children especially), also that you should get a bit of child-free time to do your own thing as well, and that not all child-related activities should be your responsibility. And that it's important for him to spend time with them if he wants to have a bond and a good relationship with them as they grow up, how are they going to feel about a dad who can't be bothered or isn't interested in them (and children do pick up on this kind of thing, younger than you'd think as well).

And you never know, he might even enjoy doing stuff with them, once he gets used to it!

Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 13:00

Ephiny, I have tried that talk so many times, but its not sinking in! DS does pick up on it and on the way to the pool asked why DH had gone swimming on his own instead of coming with us.

He's very aware of not being high on DH's list of priorities and i find it hard to try and counter that view. At least DH ignores us all equally, so its not like DS1 is singled out!

I do have time during the week when DCs are at school so I can't complain there, but DH works most weekends and I have the 3 DCs on my own then.

OP posts:
EightiesChickOrTreat · 02/11/2011 13:04

I think people are right about the talk but I also think you need to be prepared to push ahead with plans like going to the park, in the face of eyerolling, a thousand logistical questions etc - because at the moment this approach is working and getting him off the hook. Rehearse some neutrally-voiced, factual replies, possibly mixed with 'Even so, let's go, it'll be good for us all' when he voices some problem/objection.

I really, really recommend Anne Dickson's books on assertiveness (A Woman In Your Own Right) for help with handling tricky situations with loved ones like this. They are good for giving you strategies for having The Talk with someone who is being resistant.

What would he do if you got up one Saturday morning and announced you were off to see a friend so he and DS would be spending the day together?

Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 13:10

ECOT he would probably say "Oh ok" while trying to think of 20 reasons why that cannot possibly be the case!

He would accept it and be gracious about it, but would spend the day in the garage tinkering, while the DCs watch TV or play at friends' houses.

OP posts:
EightiesChickOrTreat · 02/11/2011 13:15

Could you get them tickets to something together for a Saturday so that your DH is forced to actually do that? Just to be clear, I'm not saying at all that this is the long-term solution, for you to be running round arranging trips out for them both all the time. I'm just thinking as a kick-start, that you can later refer back to and say 'but DS loved it when you went to X together, it was so nice for you both... '

And, as I said, stop letting him off the hook with other plans. It's a short term gain but long term loss, as the race car commentator says in Cars (I watch this film a lot)

Ephiny · 02/11/2011 13:16

I'm sorry to hear you've tried reasoning with him and it hasn't worked. Sadly you can't force him to be interested in the DC and want to spend time with them, it's a real shame though, for their sakes as much as anything.

I agree with ECOT about the strategies, that sounds like a sensible approach and might improve things from a practical point of view, even if it doesn't change his underlying attitude.

Does he admit that he ignores the children, and give any explanation as to why?

Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 13:21

I'm a bit wary of forcing the issue by actually buying tickets as DH is a control freak and that would make him even less likely to want to go, but perhaps some flyers strategically placed and some unsubtle hints might work there.

OP posts:
Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 13:26

I think he assumes that when he is at home (i.e. in the same geographical space!) he is 'with' them, whereas to me, doing things on your own in a separate room is not the same as spending time with someone. So no, he wouldn't admit that he ignores them or doesn't spend time with them.

He will get them a drink if they need it or fix something if its broken, so he presumes he's doing his bit as a dad, but he wouldn't actively find something to 'do' with them, which is what I would love to see - and I know the DCs would love it too. Even building some Lego together or something.

OP posts:
NellyMelba · 02/11/2011 13:36

what did he say when you said oh i thought we were all swimming together?

Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 13:46

He said that he thought I wasn't going swimming, which I don't believe for a minute. He suggested that he could come back again "if i wanted him to", but it was a half-hearted offer. I suppose I should have agreed to that rather than saying 'don't bother' but I was so annoyed at him that I didn't really want him there with us and would rather spend some nice time with DS on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 13:49

I think that I have over-reacted looking at the responses here and next time I will write a timetable for him so he can't plead ignorance! Will be deleting my browsing history and not returning for a while, so please don't assume I'm now ignoring any helpful comments. Thanks all. x

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread