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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable? me or dh?

26 replies

madhousewife · 02/11/2011 12:01

On average the two of us each work 3 days a week, my days are regular so I'm always with the kids on my days off, dh is all over the place and more often then not he is off when the kids are at school/nursery.

On the rare day that dh and I are both home with the kids he seems to think he can come and go as he pleases and it feels like I'm expected to stay with the kids. This morning he was out for awhile running an errand and I took ds swimming, when we finished I find a text on my phone from dh telling me he is now meeting a friend for lunch. When dh phones later on I ask if he can take ds upon his return from lunch so I can pop into work. Well no b/c he wants to do a bit of shopping for himself as well and how can he manage that? Then dh gets pissed off b/c he knows I'm pissed off.

I told him I think it's unfair that he expects me to look after ds entirely and he is free to do what he likes, dh says that I'm being unfair and that he has no problem with me going out but I need to give him more notice before he makes plans. So I guess dh can make spur of the moment plans but I have to book in with his personal fucking secretary a week in advance.

I'm so angry right now.

OP posts:
Calabria · 02/11/2011 12:05

You are not being unreasonable.

manicbmc · 02/11/2011 12:08

Tell him he has to give you more notice if he intends to make plans too. Same rule applies. He is being a tit.

Laquitar · 02/11/2011 12:09

'going to work' is not 'going out'.
YANBU.
He can go shopping with ds, hardly a drama Hmm

GreenBlueRed · 02/11/2011 12:10

This would drive me nuts. How far in advance does he know when his days off are going to be? I'd be getting the diary out as soon as he knows. Share it equally, So that youmhave roughly the same time to yourself. So when he is off on a no-school/nursery day, ds is all his responsibility, on a school day then he has to get them ready, do lunches, bags and the school runs. Seems only fair.

eaglewings · 02/11/2011 12:10

YANBU

You will never reach an equal share but this is rather too unbalanced

Catsmamma · 02/11/2011 12:10

gosh, how will he manages to shop with a child??....that poor poor man.

YANBU

and you need to Have A Talk.

tigermoll · 02/11/2011 12:18

YANBU.

It is a shame, but for a lot (NOT all Smile) of men there is an unspoken assumption that the women look after the children, and men only do it if it is a special favour/arranged in advance/justified by the woman NOT being physically able to do it/a very rare occurence. Then you are expected to be very grateful and tell everyone how marvellous they are for being so 'hands-on',

This doesn't make your DH an unrecomstructed cave-man-type. It just means that he has absorbed the prevailing ideas of his society, viz. that women do childcare. He may even think he is already doing 'more than he needs to' and should be applauded. You need to have a calm chat with him about the amount of work involved in children, and how it should be split.

Original poster
madhousewife · 02/11/2011 12:19

Thanks everyone, I'm really losing heart at the moment. This issue keeps coming up and we can't seem to resolve it. The worst thing is that he's going to come home in a foul mood and refuse to speak to me, the atmosphere will be stifling and my kids will pick up on it and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 02/11/2011 12:19

HIBU. If he can make plans at the drop of a hat, then so can you.

redskyatnight · 02/11/2011 12:22

Sounds like you just need to talk to him rather than silently fuming ...

picnicbasketcase · 02/11/2011 12:22

He is definitely the unreasonable git person in this situation, and I bet it sounds very familiar to a lot of people too.

GalaxyWeaver · 02/11/2011 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 02/11/2011 12:24

HE is being VERY unreasonable the tit.

redskyatnight · 02/11/2011 12:26

DH thinks that on your days off you are responsible for looking after the DC. He will "help" if he's not doing anything else.

You think care should be joint when you are both off.

Neither of you have told the other what you think.

Actually neither of you are being U, except in "assuming"!

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/11/2011 12:27

He is being very unreasonable and a selfish arse to boot. As has already been mentioned, if he needs notice from you, he also needs to give notice to you. Spur-of-the-moment stuff is for singletons.

dontlikemondays · 02/11/2011 12:27

HIBU but he will never acknowledge it

I feel your pain - just posted on a similar issue!

CheeseandGherkins · 02/11/2011 12:27

Go out before he does, leave a note or a text and let him get used to it. He'll get the hang of shopping with dcs in tow pdq :o

ENormaSnob · 02/11/2011 12:29

Yanbu

he is

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 02/11/2011 12:29

Do not acknowledge any bratty, sulky behaviour because he has to look after his own child. In fact, point and laugh at any pouty lips while swanning out the door with a 'Byeeeeeeeee'. Can't be doing with overgrown manchildren.

Callisto · 02/11/2011 12:31

I think the fact that your husband would rather have lunch with a friend than with his wife and son on a rare day off together says it all to me. He doesn't just sound unreasonable, he sounds as though he doesn't give a shite about his family. I hope you can resolve this, but I'm afraid that the lunch thing would bother me more than the childcare thing.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 02/11/2011 12:33

For family life to be fair, both partners should have the same amount of leisure time - that is child-free, chore-free time to do things for themselves. NO matter how much you love your DC, and even though you may well enjoy doing things like taking them swimming or to the fair, you still need time to do things without them. So your H needs to let you know as soon as he knows his shifts each week, and then you need to book your leisure time slots with him.
If he is the sort of man who will decide to go out anyway and expect you to pick up the slack, then this is a man who fundamentally considers you his servant and less important than he is, and you will need to think about whether you want to stay in the relationship.

pozzled · 02/11/2011 12:58

Can you arrange to go out when he comes home? Just round to a friends or something? As soon as he comes in, say 'Oh, good to see you back, I'm just popping out to x' and leave him with the kids- for quite some time. Then go home and have a good long talk.

Original poster
madhousewife · 02/11/2011 13:08

galaxy - his schedule varies, he's freelance so jobs can come up weeks, months in advance, or just a day sometimes. I hear what you are saying though and I do sometimes make plans in advance, my issue is when he is around I don't seem to be allowed to have a spur of the moment lunch date with a friend but he assumes it's okay for him - which it would be if it were reciprocated.

OP posts:
CardyMow · 02/11/2011 13:28

HIBU. If he is off work when the dc are at school - one does the early school run, one does the late one. If he is off work when the dc aren't at school - you either do a family thing, or you take half the day each. It's the ONLY fair way to do it - and if he isn't prepared to do that, then HIBvvvvU.

I have actually ended a relationship because of exactly this issue - IMO I am not anyone else's slave, and if I'm going to be doing 99% of the childcare - I can do that so much easier without having an extra manchild to cope with too.

I WOULD do a spur-of-the moment lunchdate with friends if I knew he was off work - and I would do it in exactly the same way as he has done. If he has his plans fluffed up a few times - he may see how unreasonable he is being, and then you can have the Talk once he has had to cope with doing things with his ds in tow a few times. Plus if he is off work when it is your food shopping day - either he has your ds and you go alone, or you have your ds and HE goes food shopping alone!

Plus, even if my partner was working and I wasn't - it STILL isn't solely MY responsibility to feed them, so if they want to be fed - they can darn well have some input into choosing the weeks' food, and help me shop if they are not at work.

Ugh. Men like this give decent men a bad name.

VioletNotViolent · 02/11/2011 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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