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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder about the assumption that a wife is just unhappy so leaves husband but also takes the kids

84 replies

tangledweb · 02/11/2011 06:55

I am a 'relationship' thread addict as my marriage isn't knit of the strongest fibre but i am a bit Hmm about the assumption that, just because you don't love your husband anymore, you should leave AND get the kids.

Doesn't that mean that men then have much more of an impetus is trying to keep marriages together than women as they don't just lose their partner but the kids too. It just seems imbalanced and of a selfish presumption to me.

I'm not sure what the answer is but it just seems unfair.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 02/11/2011 08:05

Some people just grow apart or fall out of love, I can't believe it is always because the man is neglectful or borderline abusive.

BeattieBow · 02/11/2011 08:06

i'm in the position of Sabrina's friends. H refuses to take responsibility for the dcs during the week - I am sorting the childcare, leaving work early to go to appointments/activities/for emergencies. H just told me that he couldn't guarantee evenings. Kids think he is wonderful - takes them on lovely outings. He had them for 3 days at half term recently, I said that in those days they had to have their hair cut and go to the dentist. Did he do those things? of course not.

I would love to have shared custody with him. But while house prices/rents are so expensive, that just isn't possible.

Whatmeworry · 02/11/2011 08:52

Some people just grow apart or fall out of love, I can't believe it is always because the man is neglectful or borderline abusive

This is MN - wash yore mouth out :o

(Agree btw, but quite a few on here won't)

porcamiseria · 02/11/2011 09:09

i agree, one of the saddest things is for kids having to see both parents 50% less

for me the fact that some dads see their kids "every other weekend" is a FUCKED UP

Minus273 · 02/11/2011 09:13

IME the man has all the rights and the woman has only responsibility. A responsibility that has to be met with their hands tied metaphorically behind their back.

My XH left me while I was out for a few hours, he dumped dd with a neighbour to do so. He didn't give one jot about dd until he figured out he could use his rights to destroy, punish and have absolute control over me. If you like me had spent hours comforting a sobbing child you wouldn't think it was always best. If the father is a decent person it may work but the family courts can't go on thinking Dads are automatically heros and mothers are automstically harlots.

WibblyBibble · 02/11/2011 09:15

When men get their genitals ripped apart and permanently injured by having children, I'll agree they have an equal role as parents.

As it happens I did leave my older daughter with my ex-husband when I moved to do my PhD. They were supposed to follow me and he to look for a job where I was (as PhDs are specialised you can't just do it anywhere in the country). He then decided not to bother. If I did it again, I'd take her with me. I don't really give a shit if that offends your MRA sensibilities.

rycooler · 02/11/2011 09:18

Yanbu - There is this assumption on Mumsnet that women only leave awful abusive shits who deserve all they get. That maybe the case in certain circumstances but not in all. In the real world women leave perfectly ok partners for men who are richer, better looking, younger, or just pays them a bit of attention at the office party ( I've seen it happen ) -

WibblyBibble · 02/11/2011 09:18

Cory, I guess that would work in a country where there was a decent welfare/employment system and fairly priced housing. As it is in the UK, my ex lives in a £250000 flat in a very posh area and I will never be able to afford to live near enough for our child to just pop over because the only reason he can afford that is help from parents which I don't have. Oh, and he won't live near somewhere I can afford because that wouldn't be up to his lifestyle standards. But let's blame the EVIL WIMMENS eh?

porcamiseria · 02/11/2011 09:21

"When men get their genitals ripped apart and permanently injured by having children, I'll agree they have an equal role as parents.

thats a really fucked up view!!!!!! Honestly, I read some shit on here but that takes the biscuit. Not all men are bastards, please dont tar all wth same brush

gah!!!!!!

Minus273 · 02/11/2011 09:21

Exactly wibbles I am, for example, am an evil little shit as people delight in reminding me.

StewieGriffinsMom · 02/11/2011 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubyrubyruby · 02/11/2011 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatmeworry · 02/11/2011 09:37

When men get their genitals ripped apart and permanently injured by having children, I'll agree they have an equal role as parents. As it happens I did leave my older daughter with my ex-husband when I moved to do my PhD. They were supposed to follow me and he to look for a job where I was (as PhDs are specialised you can't just do it anywhere in the country). He then decided not to bother. If I did it again, I'd take her with me. I don't really give a shit if that offends your MRA sensibilities.

Ye Gods.

rycooler · 02/11/2011 09:41

I know WMW - you couldn't make it up could you.

Snorbs · 02/11/2011 09:44

"Interesting study quoted in the Lundy Bancroft book suggests that 50% of US marriages end due to domestic violence. If we factor in emotional and financial abuse, I doubt the situation in the UK is much different. "

I haven't read that statistic before and it is seems markedly at odds with the 1 in 4 women experiencing DV in their life statistic concerning DV in the UK.

On the other hand, if we look at emotional abuse then my personal opinion is that it's probably as likely to be a male emotional abuser versus a female emotional abuser.

Look at the number of threads on mumsnet from people who are being treated appallingly by their mothers, sisters, MILs, SILs etc. Do we really think that these abusive mothers, sisters etc are treating their partners any better?

worraliberty · 02/11/2011 09:49

YANBU OP

I've always said there would be less cries of "Leave the bastard" because he's eaten the last Jaffa Cake, if it were more likely the Father would automatically have the kids.

AyedaBWells · 02/11/2011 09:53

There would be fewer posts on the relationships board if more men believed, and acted in accordance with that belief, that parenting is shared 50/50 when the parents are still a couple.

StewieGriffinsMom · 02/11/2011 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maryellenwalton · 02/11/2011 09:59

YY Ayeda.

And if a woman has been (and continues to be) a sahm what sense would it make for the kids to go to the exH 50% of the time, when in reality that would mean the majority of that time in childcare when dad is working?

porcamiseria · 02/11/2011 10:00

clearly all men are abuvise gas lighting bastards

why dont we just use eugenics eh?

a depressing thread

SolidGoldVampireBat · 02/11/2011 10:02

Sure, some women are emotionally abusive, or indeed physically abusive. And some do leave perfectly nice men because they have fallen out of love with them. But most of the time the men whining about their 'rights' would do better to consider their responsibilities, or to have considered them before the relationship became unbearable for the woman.

And what about all those men who just walk out on their partners and children and subsequently neither bother to see the children or pay a penny towards their upbringing?

NinkyNonker · 02/11/2011 10:02

I don't know what MRA sensibilities are, but having given birth to dd doesn't make her mine more than DH's, that wouldn't be fair at all as he gets no choice in the matter. Besides, I couldn't have it both ways. I couldn't feel and behave that way yet expect him to do half the childcare, or take responsibility for it etc because it would be more my responsibility as she was more mine. You can't have it both ways.

Minus273 · 02/11/2011 10:02

So are women who's husbands leave them supposed to have their children taken away? If the assumption is that the dad gets the children I fear that more women would suffer in silence, take the beatings, do everything they are told, be destroyed from the inside out for fear of never seeing their children again. They would stay in the vain hope that they can at least offer some degree of protection to their children a protection they definitely couldn't offer if the child was with the abuser.

Emotional abuse is especially hard to prove. There is then general assumption the woman is making it up as she is flighty. She has no bruises to prove her case. Emotionally abusive control freaks are often experts at presenting a gentlemanly facade to the outside world. These things are rarely black and white.

squeakytoy · 02/11/2011 10:04

I love it.... the feminist view of divorce.

A man leaves a woman...... ergo he is an evil shit and she is better off without him.

A woman leaves a man.... ergo he was an evil shit and she was better off without him.

Snorbs · 02/11/2011 10:06

SGM, I am not disputing whatsoever that male on female violence is much more prevalent than vice-versa.

However, if we are talking about emotional abuse then could you explain why you feel that a woman would be held criminally responsible for behaviour that a man would get away with? Off the top of my head I can't remember hearding of any criminal convictions that have resulted as a result of emotional abuse regardless of the sex of the perpetrator.

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