To not offer to collect a 3rd child for after school activties even though I already collect 2 and have room for more?

[thebananawitchproject]

Need some feed back on whether I was a rotten cow tonight or if you'd have done the same. My DD has a busy night on tuesdays, and has been going to 2 activities since last October. She enjoys both, it's a hectic night but worth it from her POV. I offered to collect a friend of hers and take her along with DD to both groups as it was no extra hassle as already doing it with DD anyway, and one of the groups were low on numbers. What I didn't bank on was DD and her friend talking about this with other friends, and of course DD inviting as many along as she could. I explained to her that I couldn't take all of them and besides, I only have 2 car seats. One friend has been quite vocal about this, desparate to come along too, but as I don't know her mum and she's a bit of a handful was quite relieved that I wasn't in a position to do anything about it. Until tonight... her mum was picking the 3rd friend up and of course this girl was again quite vocal about wanting to go along to the group as well. He mum shouted after me, asking me what the group was. I explained, confirmed where it was, what time, and how much and then there was an awkward pause as I think she was hoping I would offer to take her DD as well. I didn't. I was in a rush but still, I think she was aware that I was already collecting DD's other friend, the look on her face and the '?' that seemed to hang in the air made me feel really awkward.

Would you offer to collect a 3rd child, or just leave it? I have the room, but if I'm honest, the girl I collect already is enough of a handful with DD, and having the 3 in the car would drive me bonkers. But I do feel a bit bad for not offering, seeing as I know how desperate this wee girl is to go to group as well.

So AIBU then?

There's no reason this other mum couldn't take her is there? I don't think Yabu.

No, you're not.

You do what you can. You have no obligation to take someone else's child.

Plenty of people will come on to tell you that YABU though and that if you have room in the car you should take them! Just ignore them.

I wouldn't do it for all the reasons you've outlined. You've given the other mum the lowdown. It's enough.

The other mother could do what you're doing and take a second child as well.

No you shouldn't offer if you don't want to. Guaranteed to build up resentment and trouble if you get into an arrangement where you feel obliged to do something you don't want to do. You have a car, you're not a bus service!

YANBU.

If the mother really wants her daughter to go she can take her. However, can't you make this work for you and come to an arrangement where you all share the lifts once every three weeks.

YANBU, you don't have space. Did she shout at you (ie aggressively) or call after you (ie to make sure you heard)?

YANBU. The other woman should have offered to do a rota - or you could suggest it.

Well, I'm not sure how feasible it is that the girl's mum can take her, herself. She has 2 other kids, one about 3 and a baby less than a year, and seems to walk everywhere (when I see her). It would be about a 10 min walk, but to get there, they'd be walking through a very dodgy area, it's now dark when we go and I do feel a bit mean still. I just don't think I can handle the 3 of them in the car. My ears are almost bleeding as it is with the racket, and if the 3rd girl is there too, I fear for my sanity. I'll leave it for now, and see if she turns up. I don't usually bump into her as I'm usually early but I was running late hence the 'chance' meeting.

Well surely she'll want to take her own child for the first week at least.there will be registration forms to fill in.
After that then I would rope her into a lift rota.

Would be kind to offer, but you obviously aren't obliged to do so.

It would be irresponsible of you to add the (from what you say) exponentially not incrementally greater distraction of a third child, when you are driving. That's the safety perspective. There's also the personal stress angle: if the extra stress (again, you feel it is exponential rather than incremental) is going to make you snap at the DCs, that's hardly fair either, is it?

The rota thing wouldn't work. The girl I do pick up - her mum works and she would be in after school care 'til she was collected if I didn't take her so it is just me. Not sure about this other woman, she does work, but I've never seen her with a car so she'd just be walking them all down which I wouldn't want in the area the groups are in, and with it being dark etc. It's also quite tight time wise, getting to the 2nd activity afterwards, so without a car it's not do-able. I kind of feel numbers-wise, I could take a 3rd, but like someone mentioned, I don't really want to be solely responsible for 2 other kids every week. The mum didn't shout at me, she just shouted after me. She also knows DD is an only child (at least she'll have worked this out seeing as she's never seen me with any other kids).

So the consensus is I'm not BU. Will just leave it then. She might well turn up next week