Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To buy house on my own-sorry long

70 replies

tomverlaine · 01/11/2011 09:57

I live with my partner and DS. I have always earned a lot more than DP and am more career focused. DP had been travelling when we met and after a couple of years retrained and was freelancing when DS was born - but not working full time. DP had savings from selling a house and the income from this provided additional income
DS is in nursery a couple of days a week and DP looks after him the other three. DP works a couple of evenings a week and could work the days DS is in nursery or weekend. we have a cleaner and other tasks are split ( i would say 80/20 to me!)
We have been renting since we moved intogether - before DS was born we both paid towards the rent/joint account (unevenly) and I paid all extras. Now I pay all household expenses/rents/food/childcare plus pay DP £400 a month for childcare.
We are now buying a house together - I am paying for all of it- deposit/mortgage in my name/renovations/expenses etc. mainly from savings built up over several years.

DP has suddenly raised the issue of whose names go on the deeds/ownership of house. I was really surprised how I reacted as the idea just horrified me (we haven't talked about it yet) - it feels like its my house as I have worked my butt off for it. I don't think DP is worse off financially through having DS than before- although I prefer DS not to be in nursery full time its not a huge preference and I am happy for DP to go to work. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

YesTisMe · 01/11/2011 09:59

are you married?

dawntigga · 01/11/2011 10:00

Erm, am I reading this right, you are paying the father of your son to look after him? If so why are you with him?

ConfusedTiggaxx

valiumredhead · 01/11/2011 10:01

You pay your dp for childcare?

Original poster

tomverlaine · 01/11/2011 10:08

I wanted to make sure DP had some cash and wasn't disadvantaged too much for not working- i could just have put it in the joint account but i thought it better that it be private /separate from joint finances- which cover expenses - I don't want to question what the money is spent on -

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 01/11/2011 10:09

I think you are in the wrong relationship. I wouldn't buy a house at present until you resolve all this.

Firstly, you don't pay your partner to look after their own baby.

Secondly, you need to redistribute housework and bill paying so you don't feel resentful and as if you are doing/paying/ for everything and your partner is benefitting from your hard work, whilst contributing fuck all.

Your partner either needs to be a sahp (in which case I think you should share assets equally) or get a proper job and pay their way. It's okay to have separate finances (although I wouldn't want it), but not okay for one person to do all the work (home and otherwise) and pay for everything and for the other person to do FA, but expect to be supported.

If you do go ahead, you could have both of you on the deeds but have a legal agreement drawn up to reflect that you have contributed far more and should the house get sold, or you split, the majority gets returned to you.

valiumredhead · 01/11/2011 10:11

Tbh I never understand these sort of set ups, you live together, you have a child and from your OP it's all his money/my money. It should be our money imo. I know some people disagree but to me it seems so odd.

ChitChattingWithKids · 01/11/2011 10:12

If you're living together, then there's no problem with putting it solely in your name. TBH it doesn't sound as if you are truly 'sharing' everything anyway, you really are just cohabiting.

If you are married, and you really want to put the house solely in your name you would need to get a written post nuptial agreement with your DH otherwise he still has the right to a share of your house regardless of whose name it is in.

You could also asign shares in the house, ie you get 80% and he gets 20%, there is no reason why a house has to be equally owned. It just all needs to be written down and signed off by both of you.

icooksocks · 01/11/2011 10:15

I agree with valium

But anyway I think YABU to even consider buying a property together, this doesnt sound to me like the healthiest of relationships.

NinkyNonker · 01/11/2011 10:15

If DH had done this to me I would be almighty hacked off. I suspect a man posting the same op would not get a great response.

ViviPru · 01/11/2011 10:15

Has your reaction to the thought of putting him on the deeds shocked you because its made you question the very nature of your relationship? I.e. in theory you think you should be fine with it - you love him, you're in it for the long haul together etc etc. But you're not fine with it? Why? Because it doesn't feel fair, but then you are the one who has accepted, developed and perpetuated this unconventional (some might say unfair) arrangement with him. There is a veneer of equality, but dig deeper and you don't feel that things are equal. If you did you'd be busy looking into putting his name on the deeds and not on here.

valiumredhead · 01/11/2011 10:17

You could also asign shares in the house, ie you get 80% and he gets 20%, there is no reason why a house has to be equally owned. It just all needs to be written down and signed off by both of you

This can be done, but can also be challenged if you are married. My mum challenged a pre nup agreement like this and won.

valiumredhead · 01/11/2011 10:17

Ninky I agree.

StrandedBear · 01/11/2011 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slavetofilofax · 01/11/2011 10:18

YANBU and YABU.

If you want things to feel more financially fair, then you need to encourge DP to work and earn his own money so that he can financially contibute and have a fair share of the house.

You need to make a joint descision about your dd going into full time nursery so that you can both earn, both share the household chores and both contribute to an assest. But if you talk about it and decide to leave things the way they are, then you are being unfair to your DP to expect him to have no assest while you build one up yourself and accept his help to do so.

My house is mine (I inherited it before DH and I met) but we got married and now I fully feel that this house is half his. If he had the biggest asset when we got married, theh it would have automatically worked the other way. I wouldn't be able to be in a partnership or a marriage any other way.

NinkyNonker · 01/11/2011 10:18

What about his initial savings etc, don't they count as a contribution? Sounds like he contributed just fine until your child came along and now he is a sahp, but with some 50s style allowance you call pay. So reverse the roles and imagine a man were doing this to his partner, it wouldn't be popular and rightly so, £400 p/m is cheaper than full time childcare.

ChitChattingWithKids · 01/11/2011 10:21

Valium - that is why I said you needed to do a post nup, not a pre nup! Post nups are more legally binding in the UK.

But if they're not married she still has an option of 'sharing' the house with her DP without giving an equal share.

valiumredhead · 01/11/2011 10:26

Sorry chit

squeakyfreakytoy · 01/11/2011 10:28

What is wrong with "paying" him to look after the child. Plenty of SAHM's get "paid" by their husbands/partners for the childcare they do..... dont they?

valiumredhead · 01/11/2011 10:29

Do they?!

ChallahBaloo · 01/11/2011 10:30

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed there's no 'he' or 'she' in the post.

Original poster

tomverlaine · 01/11/2011 10:31

We are not married so legally there is no issue splitting assets in any proportion.

NinkyNonker - this was sort of what I wondered - I wanted to get a genderneutral response as although the split may be unconventional this was round I suspect its more usual if the person earning more is the man- and I guess most SAHM would be one the deeds of the house.

In terms of the relationship - i don't resent paying the bills; I don't think DP appreciates his easy life and I would love to have as much time with DS as he does and free time but it isn't an option - yes DP could work for those three days but I would still have to so it wouldn't change anything. I think the sharing house work is an argument a lot of couples have- as people prioritise different things - i am currently forcing myself to notice what DP DOES do rather than what he doesn't - the fact he chooses to prioritise things I wouldn't is a different issue than doing nothing.

In terms of our current finances- how do SAHM's get money to spend on themselves? the childcare money is really just extra for DP to spend as he likes- rather than getting eaten away on extra costs - we could fully combine all our money but this freaks me out as much as putting deeds in his name - I think it is an age thing /control freak- i need to be in control of my own finances and security and I have been used to this for years so we have to a large degree kept this - what do others do?

OP posts:

TheVermiciousKnid · 01/11/2011 10:31

I think you are all assuming that the partner is male - judging by the OP's name I think it's more likely the partner is female. Though of course that shouldn't really make a difference!

kitya · 01/11/2011 10:32

What would the response be if a man had wrote this about the mother of his child? I think you have to look at it from that angle, really.

TheVermiciousKnid · 01/11/2011 10:33

Argh! Sorry, I posted too soon.

squeakyfreakytoy · 01/11/2011 10:33

Good point there Challah.

Flip

1 2 3