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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to even put this on a thread (friendship based)

23 replies

polkadotprincess · 31/10/2011 17:58

I am feeling a bit slighted at the moment by a friend and wondered what you guys thought:

Background: Have been friends for 10 years. She is slightly younger than me. Very good friends, tell each other most things. I would email/phone her most days and she would reciprocate. I would say she is the friend I am most close to.

Recently: Started going out with this guy in April. She tends to fall very heavily and get serious quite quickly. She stopped seeing me so much on a weekly basis, which of course is fine, I understand the ''honey moon period''. (I am single)

She was meant to be going with me to see the specialist (we have to take a plane jouney) which she offered to do. I made it clear that I would pay for her to stay over/come etc. Then she said she didnt want to come back on the same flight with me (part of her coming was my fear of flying) because it was too long to be away from home. (24 hours). I admittedly threw my toys out of the pram about that one because it is a scary situation and she had offered. I had not asked. I have since asked another friend to come and instead, which is fine.

The emails have tapered off a bit and she spends a lot of time with bf. Which again (please dont think this is down to me being single/jealous - I have been single for 3 years whilst she has had 4 bfs in that time) is fine, it's her bf. I just miss my friend.

So today: she sent me an email today telling me that her and her bf are completing on a house next week!!!

Um... I didnt even know an offer had been accepted or anything. Now as a best friend, AIBU to have hoped to have been told about this? I feel really hurt that something as big as this she hasnt told me about and kept from me.

Reading this back, I sound about 12, but I think buying a house with someone is kind of a big deal and that is why I am so hurt.

OP posts:

MorelliOrRanger · 31/10/2011 18:20

Why have you put this in AIBU?

You do sound jealous. Your friend is happy, why can't you be happy for her.

I moved in with my DP after about 4 months and we've been together 9 years and have one DD and one on the way.

Appuskidu · 31/10/2011 18:27

Sorry, but you sound very needy.

She's probably avoiding giving you too much detail about her life in case you 'throw your toys out of the pram' again.

Polkadotfanatic · 31/10/2011 18:29

The AIBU is quite obvious - AIBU to feel so sad at being shut out of a major event in my friend's life? AIBU to think she might have told me that.

Thank you for missing my point completely - its nothing about how long they have been dating. It's to do with being shut out of her life.

comedycentral · 31/10/2011 18:31

I think it's time to get to know him, why don't you host a dinner party?

grumplestilskin · 31/10/2011 18:32

umm you are in on it, she emailed and told you she is completing... what do you want? blow by blow? what an odd thing to be upset about??? agree with appuskidu, sounds like she's feeling the need to edit with you because you over react and are needy

MrsFruitcake · 31/10/2011 18:33

YANBU.

I totally know where you are coming from, am in a similar situation myself and am and have never been needy.

There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, it's all to do with whether you can move on and get over it or not?

bluegnueboo · 31/10/2011 18:34

It's hardly shut out is it? She's told you about the house, that's big news for any one. Call to congratulate both of them and wish them luck.

Sometimes friendships need space same as any relationship, why don't you offer to go shopping for her new place sometime that she's free?

JaneBirkin · 31/10/2011 18:39

I'm not sure. But you do sound fairly invested in being her close friend, despite her having been dating this chap for a good few months, and I think if you love her you need to allow her the space to form a closer relationship with him, and this may not entail telling you everything they do.
It doesn't sound as though she meant any harm...perhaps she took the wrong tone from your prior contacts, especially perhaps the one about the flight, and wants to tread carefully around you?
Or perhaps she just doesn't see friendships in the same way?
I had a long term friend who saw friendships differently to me. You have to kind of let it ride, and make the best of it. We fell out big time once, didn't speak for a year or so. We made up, largely due to her persistence. There were perceived slights on both sides but when she died last year I knew it was the right thing to do, to make it up and just be careful of each other's feelings rather than constantly thinking 'she is being rude to me' or 'she is leaving me out' etc. I am so thankful I was able to be there for her before she died.
Step back, take her at face value. She wouldn't be telling you this big news if she didn't want your friendship. Maybe they didn't want to tempt fate by telling folk before it was a sure thing.

iklboo · 31/10/2011 18:41

She may have not told you before because she didn't want to say anything until she was absolutely sure it was going through? A friend of ours has been posting for weeks about her new house and it fell through two weeks before she was due to complete.

greenbananas · 31/10/2011 18:42

I can understand that you're feeling hurt. This sort of thing can be very painful. However, it's also understandable that she has 'replaced' you with her new bloke.

Be there for her (in case it all goes wrong!), but don't necessarily expect her to be there for you. I know this sounds harsh, but move on, find something else to do / someone else to exchange the nitty-gritty of life with.

It's really sad that your friend has let you down over the flight/specialist thing, but I suspect that you are strong enough to deal with this - and will feel stronger for dealing with it 'on your own'.

Best of luck to your friend in her new relationship, and to you too as you deal with this difficult time.

PrincessJenga · 31/10/2011 18:44

Option 1 (if you want to keep friend):
Get phone.
Call friend.
Say: "oh my gosh. You're completing on a house? That's amazing. I didn't even know you were looking. Fancy catching up for coffee this week so you can give me the lowdown?"

Option 2 (if you don't):
Keep stressing about it. Don't talk to her. Become more jealous & lonely.

I know which I'd choose!

LadySybilPussPolham · 31/10/2011 18:45

polkadot princess/fanatic - same person? eh?

greenbananas · 31/10/2011 18:49

Great advice from PrincessJenga - your friend probably doesn't even realise that you are feeling excluded, and will be really happy to hear from you.

MrBloomsNursery · 31/10/2011 19:08

Why does she have to tell you if she puts an offer on a house? That's really private stuff and most people are scared about getting jynxed and stuff. I wouldn't care if a good friend didn't tell me...at least she told you they've bought a house.

You sound whiny. Get on with your life. Stop focussing on hers.

grumplestilskin · 31/10/2011 19:10

think about it, if you are investing in a property with anyone, boyfriend, family, friend.. you need to be hashing the pros and cons and doing the devils advocate thing with THEM, the person you are buying with! would be bad if she did that with you like she might if she was buying alone

I think friendships go downhill when it gets to this, you wanting to hear her news first because you are supposed to be best friends, rather than you WANTING to hear her news whenever it comes because she is your friend and you are interested in her life

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 31/10/2011 19:19

Hmmm I think YANBU

I have a friend who ditches me when she has a boyfriend and is ony interested in me when asking for advice, or to moan. And I am happily married with 2 dc so no jealousy here.

If she always does this with every partner then either accept it or withdraw. If she is usually inclusive and seems very happy with her boyfriend be happy for her, she'll come back to you when the honeymoon has worn off.

ScaredKittyWitchyKitty · 31/10/2011 19:34

I think you're getting a hard time on here unfairly, OP. I know how you feel because similar happened to me, and it's not very nice to be dropped like a hot potato the minute a bloke comes on the scene. A few years back I had a very similar situation. Good friends with someone, both single (me a LP), saw each other at least weekly after work or on weekends for a catch up. The moment she got a BF (now her DH) I was sidelined without a second thought. Think I saw her twice in six months. I was very pissed off and upset at the time, especially as she started spending more time with other friends in couples and I (the only singleton) was never invited.

Fast forward about 3 years and we are still friends but it helped me to realise that sometimes in life your priorities change - my friend's priority rightly became her husband and kids. However at the time I felt kind of used, almost like I'd served my purpose before being sidelined when something better came along. I'm the kind of person who's quite independent and tend to think that I can only really rely on myself (a fact reinforced by many shit events in my life). Sadly, this only served to reinforce that further.

The main advice I'd give is to get on with your life but keep communication open with her. Life changes and you have to change with it, or you'll be left behind.

springydaffs · 31/10/2011 20:03

oh OP, never post in AIBU if you are feeling vulnerable about something. Vultures circle around AIBU and pounce.

I don't think YABU at all. She's dumped you, effectively. imo letting you down over the hospital appt was the worse thing. You've been close, suddenly you're not, she's all goggle-eyed with her bloke . Irritating and hurtful.

leave her to it. You'll miss her - it really hurts to lose a close friend (can be more painful than losing a lover) - but tbh she's a bit of a pain if she drops her solid relationships for a bloke. She's told you about the house offer but I agree, it would hve been normal to have told you she ws putting in an offer.

The thing about friendships is that you can't nail the terms down unfortunately. I've had friends who chop and change, redraw the boundaries like changing clothes. I stand well back with friends like that - you can enjoy their friendship but they'll never be best buds.

I'm sorry she's been so hurtful OP.

TheRealTillyMinto · 31/10/2011 21:39

YANBU - i have been with DP since my early twenties many many years ago & i think you should be fairly constant with your friends whether or not you are in a relationship, otherwise you being an arse.

OP, your friend is an arse.

Capitaltrixie · 31/10/2011 21:58

YANBU..IMO. You're human & I expect I'd feel the same. But why not grit your teeth & go for Option 1 suggested by PrincessJenga. May help stop the niggling negative feelings.
Obviously based on what you've written I don't know if she's a good friend to you or not in general. If she is, it'd be a shame if this caused a rift.

The dynamics of the friendship may have changed but you can still be close.

NorfolkBroad · 31/10/2011 23:23

YANBU no matter how understandable it is that friends become more distant when they "pair off" it is really hard and can be hurtful and a bit confusing. There is no way around it though except to stay in touch, be supportive and interested in her plans etc. Everyone goes through this at the start of a big relationship but nearly everyone comes through it and "finds" their friends again a little while later.

ShirleyGoesBananas · 01/11/2011 04:14

YANBU. I'm in a similar situation at the minute as are a few others on this thread. My friend moved to a different part of town recently and hasn't spoken to me since. I don't know why :(

I do admit to taking the 'well if you're ignoring me, then I'll ignore you back' route, which probably isn't helpful.

Give her another chance and make the first move. Maybe I will too.

YesTisMe · 01/11/2011 09:06

i am also in the same situation with a friend. in the whole time i have been married i have done my best to include her in my life, both with my husband and kids and having time with just her and i.
siunce she got a new man in dec i have seen her 5, (3 of those were when they had argued and she just pitched up at the door needing a shoulder to cry on) times. and she has cancelled plans on me 4 times.
i am pissed off. and hurt.
i want her to be happy but i dont want to be treated like a door mat.

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