Feeling very down

[maypole1]

Right I will start at the beginning

I found out a while ago my sons grandad was sneakily arranging contact with ex under the guise that son was staying at his over night
(during one of these over night stays I was un aware of ex left son six at the time alone with 4 year old half sister and went out)
Which can imagine caused grate issues with me and the grandad who otherwise have a fab relationship.

The history to all this is ex has never paid maintenance never made any really effort to see son their are always various excuses as to why he didn't turn up we all know the drill or just being hours late and still expecting to take son out

basically he's a dead beat dad I am sure you can fill in the blanks don't really go into the shocking things he has done over the years

Now on Saturday I was informed a over nighter happened again I was not impressed I like to add my ex did not want our son to stay my son begged him as his half sister whom ex sees all the time was having a sleep over this is what grandad told me any way he said he felt guilty To say no

I did have a word with Sons grandad

And pointed out that whilst in his care I expect him to be staying with the agreed person namely him and its not right for him to be allowing my son to stay else were while giving me the impression he is with him

And the following reasons I feel he should not be make the decision weather its ok for my son to stay with ex

1- ex won't allow me to know his address or have any phone numbers for him
2- ex had in the past left son alone with small child and feels their was no issue in doing so
3- ex is using grandad as a way of having informal contact with out having to sort out his issue with me and dose not have to commit to consistent contact

I also pointed out that as my sons parent I should have full knowledge of were son is

Grandad did say he felt in the middle and also that he was trying to counteract the harm ex is doing by over compensating
I suggested to him of ex dose ring and ask to have son over night its best to tell him well I having grandad time this has been arranged if you want contact you need to ring his mum.

He did recognise I had some valid points and said he's seeing him next week for a drink and will put what he thinks and what I think to him we left it on good terms

Sadly in reality whats been happening is grandad has been ringing ex and and desperately trying to get ex to have him to be fair sometimes ex dose ask.

Any way the long of short is had to explain to son this morning why the overnights with ex have to stop didn't go very well at all

Apparently the reason why won't pay for or see son is because he dose not like me

Tired to point out to son thats not really a good reason for him not to see him.

It went down like a lead ballon

Any advice or similar experiences
And why am i the bad buy with my son I am the one who stayed :(

Son is 11 by the way

If I have read this properly, you have no contact with your ex but you do see his father. Your DS stays with FiL occasionally and ex uses these overnighters as a means of seeing his son.
Ex doesn't pay any money towards his upbringing but your DS wants to see him.
I think in that situation, I'd be restricting contact with FiL and certainly no overnighters.

Yes sadly I did say ex fil if the situation has not resolved its self and we have to speak about this topic Again I will sadly have to restrict the granddads contact which I really really don't want to do

Does your son have any other male role models in his life?

Go to the csa for maintenance

What does your don want? At age 11 he should be able to be having some input here, he would if it went through court

• son

Absolutely maddening isn't it when the ex gets up to tricks like this. Grrrr.
I split up with my ex when my DS was about 2 (he's now nearly 14). I made a promise to myself that as he only has one dad (albeit a shite one), I would make sure there was access until my son was old enough to decide for himself.

MIL lived in Wales and I used to take him there 3 times a year. Firstly because she was a wonderful woman and I always promised her that I would help her to see him. Secondly, this is where his dad used to come to see him. If I hadn't have done this I'm sure my DS's father would have just drifted away. He also didn't pay me maintenance.

I put my own feeling aside and did this purely for my son and his psychological well being.

Your father in law is in an awful position as I see it. Your ex is still "his" son.

Your DS is 11 and to take this away from him no matter how wrong you feel it is would be very detrimental to him.

Two wrongs do not make a right and at the end of the day your son, when grown up, will totally appreciate what a selfless thing you did for him.

Your FIL should know better than this. He does not have parental responsibility and therefore should certainly not be making decisions of this type. It's disrespectful to you and abuses the trust you have had in him with your precious son. So many grandparents become alienated from their grandchildren when parties separate, so it is to your absolute credit that you maintain this relationship.

If your ex has indeed left your son alone with a younger child, then this is very serious and could lead to allegations of child neglect.

However, if your son wants to see him and contact was arranged correctly, then it is his right to see him as much as I dislike having to say this. It will benefit your son and you - perhaps in ways you have not really thought of.

If he is a dead beat dad, then your son should be able to see him without rose tinted specs and it will stop him romanticising what he may or may not r be like. I have been through this and as hard as it is, the child will realise and also sometimes experience sadness and disappointment. This is very hard, but in the future you can at least say you have done your best for him.

to be honest i did point out to the ex fil that if anything more had happened on these little secret meetings say my son or the step sister had got hurt he would be facing some very awkward questions and i would not want him to get in trouble for something someone else had done.

yes my son has my oh whom he calls dad and who has step parent pr for and loves him dearly ex has no pr for son

any who son came home form school and said xxxx is a bit of a looser really mum never mind just don't want to stop seeing grampy i just had a long cry in the garden (he calls ex by first name) not integrated by me by the way