Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she should pay for this?

24 replies

curlyLJ · 31/10/2011 08:47

Had a party a few weeks back for DH's birthday and lots of friends and family came. Was a great night, although DH's 25yo neice who is notorious for going OTT with alcohol, was driving me insane and tried to leave the party with 2 wine glasses full of wine. I stopped her, but later discovered I was missing an entire litre bottle of Smirnoff! [hangry]

I knew it had to be her and I called her the next morning. She admitted it, said she doesn't know why she took it, that she doesn't drink vodka (yeah right - she will drink anything with alcohol in, esp if it's free), and that I can have it back...

5 weeks on and I still haven't had it back. I know she's drunk it as she has had many an opportunity to give it to people who are coming over to our house (she doesn't live close and wouldn't really visit - I wouldn't really want her to tbh) and she is now ignoring my messages on facebook. I would settle for £20 to replace it.

She has done things like this in the past. She's very scatty and not very bright and she plays on this a lot. She has a 5yo son and is often drunk in charge of him [hsad]. I don't mean to sound nasty but that is just how she is. She lives very much hand to mouth and doesn't work (out of choice).

DH insists says I should just leave it and we just won't ever invite her here again (even though she would just turn up with or wothout an invite if she knew there was a party/family gathering going on). I don't think that is enough - I think it is the lowest of the low to steal, especially from your own family.
Not sure how to play this now...do I insist or just leave it bearing in mind she is DH's neice and not mine?

WWYD?

OP posts:
nickschic · 31/10/2011 08:52

I think you have to leave it Sad.

She wont give it you back she wont be able to pay for it - in fact she is on a road to nowhere Sad,make it clear you see her as a thief and dont have her in again.

ScaredBear · 31/10/2011 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/10/2011 08:55

I'd leave it. I wouldn't be annoyed either, it's only a bottle of vodka, I wouldn't even consider it stealing - why are you so annoyed? is it a respect thing?
And that she's ignoring you?

You could just not buy her a Christmas present? and tell her why.

pickledparsnip · 31/10/2011 08:57

Personally I would leave it. She obviously has no intention of paying up, and you can't make her (which she knows full well). No more invites to further family events, make that clear to her. She obviously has a drinking problem if she's looking after her son pissed, she needs help.

slavetofilofax · 31/10/2011 08:57

I think that as it's DH's neice then you have to let him have the final say on how to deal with it.

But I would make it clear to him that she is never to be allowed into your house again, and in return for you agreeing to leave it, he has to promise that he will never invite her, or remove her if she turns up uninvited. You might need to spell out to him that you really will expect him to remove her if she turns up, so that he can't just allow her in for an easy life from his family.

He should have been he one demanding that she pay you back in the first place.

NoMoreWasabi · 31/10/2011 09:11

I think there is a clear difference between drinking heavily at a party and stealing an entire bottle of vodka for later consumptions. Looks like you're going to have to leave it but I'd be making it clear to her up front how disappointed you are in her and that you will no longer be able to have her in your home as you don't trust her. In your DH's shoes I'd also be explaining this to his Dsis or Dbro, whoever her parent is, so they are aware.

EllaDee · 31/10/2011 09:23

I would be a bit worried about her TBH. It could be this is just her being a bit rowdy, but it does sound like a dodgy attitude to alcohol.

I think she needs a shock - people can get to the point where they normalize their behaviour I think. I dunno how much it matters about getting it back but it does IMO matter that you calmly tell her her how shocked you were.

Fo0ffyShmooffer · 31/10/2011 09:27

I think you will have to leave it, as aggravating as I know that will be. Do as DH says and if she ever shows up uninvited to one of your parties your DH needs to deal with her as it's his niece.

Original poster
curlyLJ · 31/10/2011 09:37

Thanks for all your replies. I am just finding this hard to leave, as I think stealing (which is what it is) is awful.

LaurieFairyCake I am interested in how you don't see someone taking an entire, unopened bottle of vodka as stealing.

ScaredBear the reason I commented on her intelligence/non-work is about her attitiude - she doesn't see it as being wrong and her whole attitude to life is take what you can, esp if it's free. SHe was downing wine in pint glasses and generally taking the p*ss. She turned up emptyhanded too, unlike most other guests who brought a bottle of wine, or a gift for DH.

NoMoreWasabi DH has spoken to his Dsis. She is well aware what her daughter is like. She locks the alcohol away when she visits for this exact reason - and I am not joking. She will happily go and help herself in anyone's house, even if no-one else is drinking...

I guess I am going to have to leave it, but I am so not happy and I can't beleive DH, her mother and everyone else just seems to put up with her behaviour (because of her lack of understanding) and don't pull her up on things or make her pay. As I said she has done this many times before...

OP posts:
EllaDee · 31/10/2011 09:41

Honestly, the more you say the more it sounds like alcoholism plain and simple. She needs help. It sounds as if there's a tacit awareness in the family, with her mother well aware of what's happening but not quite facing up to it.

I suppose it's not your place/responsibility to push her and if she is an alcoholic, she can only sort herself out. But you and your DH are not being remotely unreasonable to say you won't have her over again (are you going to tell her this or just not invite her?).

bemybebe · 31/10/2011 09:42

ScaredBear are you kidding? It is normal for a guest to help themselves to what they fancy in your house?

OP- Whether she paid or not there is no way in hell she would be coming to my house ever again. I would make it clear to her and all the relatives. Not fucking on!

LaurieFairyCake · 31/10/2011 09:47

Probably because at the end of a party at my house I'm trying to get people to take food/drink home so I'm not left with it all Smile

It's stealing to you - to me it just sounds like something someone would do while a bit pissed - ooh look, vodka (hic), I'm off

Original poster
curlyLJ · 31/10/2011 09:50

Yes EllaDee I agree that she has got a problem with alcohol (she is exactly like her dad) but at 25 yeras of age, she is an adult and if she wont face up to it, there isn't a damn lot I can do about it.

Her mum is aware, she had to go and collect her from hospital where she had been taken paralytic drunk, when she was (albeit unknowingly) 4 months pg [hsad] but is also in denial I think and wont make her face up to it...

I will calmly tell her that she will never be invited to anything else in this house and that she is no longer welcome here. I don't buy for her at xmas anyway, just for her DS and I wouldn't not buy for him just because of his mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
curlyLJ · 31/10/2011 09:58

Yes Lauriebut there is a difference between offering leftover food/drink to guests as they leave, than someone bagging an unopened bottle from which they had gone delving into the shed to retrieve. I wouldn't help myself in someone else's house and I wouldn't expect them to in mine.

OP posts:
EllaDee · 31/10/2011 10:06

curly - true, she's an adult.

It just sounds pretty horrible for her/you, really. She can't be terribly happy, I'd think.

Anyway, YANBU.

ScarahStratton · 31/10/2011 10:11

YANBU. Taking an unopened bottle of vodka is just plain wrong and stealing. For all of you saying there's nothing wrong with doing that, imagine if you had just made/bought the most enormous, luscious chocolate cake ever. And someone took a fancy to it, and just picked it up and took it home.

I'd bloody kill them.

oldraver · 31/10/2011 10:38

I would leave it but tell she wont be welcome to parties again as she doesnt know how to behave and STOLE from you

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 31/10/2011 10:51

YANBU It is stealing. I think you'll have to drop it but make it clear she is no longer welcome in your home and make it clear to your DH that you expect him to back you up on this.

Floggingmolly · 31/10/2011 10:54

Sounds like you knew she had form for this sort of thing already. You still invited her to the party - it's a crappy way to behave but, but I think you were a bit daft not to see it coming, and dafter still to imagine there is anything to be done about it now. Leave it, and don't have her in the house again. She'll know why.

Original poster
curlyLJ · 31/10/2011 11:01

I didn't formally invite her tbh - but then saying that, I didn't formally invite anyone, we just put the word out - she came because everyone else was coming and she got a lift here with her brother.

I have always dreaded her coming to the house, but she has never stooped this low before in our house, usually she is just plain annoying and OTT.

Next time I will make it clear she is NOT invited and not to bother turning up.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 31/10/2011 11:05

YANBU to think she ought to pay but she clearly isn't going to so you have to let go of your resentment. I think I'd be saying she's not invited to my house ever again unless she's addressing her drinking TBH, being related doesn't mean you have automatic rights to be invited to people's houses and behave like a drunken nightmare.

Original poster
curlyLJ · 31/10/2011 20:33

Thanks EricNorthmansMistress - I really am trying to let this go, but I have to say I am finding it incredibly hard! I don't believe IABU to expect she give it back, or at least own up and say she's drunk it and can't afford to replace it.

I know I am paying this far more attention that I should, and I don't know why but she has really got to me on this one and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Tips anyone??

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 31/10/2011 20:36

I definately tell her that should you have any more family gatherings she is not invited as she cannot be trusted not to take what is not hers.

I'd lay down the law there to be honest.

Serenitysutton · 31/10/2011 20:38

I would leave it. She sounds like an alcoholic.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread