to feel cheated by Hollywood (and Disney) that it's just never like in the movies

[Bethshine82]

Sigh
Why can't my husband manage to change a toilet roll?
Why does he always leave one sheet of toilet roll on the existing roll and start a new one?
Why does he leave the dregs of a pint of milk in the fridge and open a new bottle?
Why does he wake me up every morning with the loudest fart in the world?
Why does he snore so loudly that I fantasise about killing him?

I love him really I do, and I'm not perfect either (nearly perfect though ;-) but honestly it's just NOT like that in the films. I feel cheated. They should make romantic movies more realistic with unpleasant bodily functions. Or would that by definition stop them from being romantic movies?

The only thing that's ever really peed me off is when the loving couple go out for a massive meal before racing home for some energetic nooky and there is not a sniff of a bloated belly on either party (but especially the woman).

When DH and I go for a meal of such proportions we resemble Tweedledum and Tweedledee and rolling vigorously around in the sack is way at the bottom of the 'to do' list (after copious farting from DH and me and some 'oof'ing as we undo trouser buttons and plonk our overloaded carcasses on the sofa)

Oh actually there's one more thing. Morning sex. Wtf? Do they never have morning breath/sleep-gunged eyes/sweaty pits? Is no-one ever a grumpy cow who would happily murder people before her first cup of tea if they so much as spoke to her? You couldn't pay me to have sex with DH first thing in the morning. (Well you probably could but it would have to be a lot.)

I'm not sure I've ever seen a movie where a man changes a toilet roll

BertieBotts - they should make one. It should end with "and they all lived happily ever after and Tom changed the toilet roll."

I know it's a cliche but God it annoys me! I think it is the fact that one sheet is left hanging on precariously so that he feels he doesn't have to change it but starts a new roll instead. Why why???
I need to get out more don't I?

Haha! Yes!

I think we get the lion's share of changing duties because we're forced to use it every time. If they go for a wee and it's all gone it doesn't matter! So they only have to check if they're going for a big dump. Whereas we have to check first or get caught short every single time! I think this is an important feminist issue

In the movies no man ever leaves the bits of cabbage/carrot/roast meat etc in the catcher thing in the sink for his long-suffering DW to find in the morning once he has gone to work.

I really shouldn't moan though, DH does bring me a cup of tea in bed every morning. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he hasn't in the almost 7 years we've lived together.

I actually prefer morning sex

Morning sex is nice but for some reason I always have horrendous morning breath, and DP is a smoker so his isn't too fragrant either. So we end up doing it without kissing. Which is a shame IMO!

But don't you find orgasms happen so much faster and easier in the mornings?

When you have a full bladder they tend to. Recipe for cystitis though :(

I do not recall cystitis in the movies after early morning sex.

I will write to Hollywood.

Alibaba- the sink catcher thing, I feel your pain! Spaghetti is what is always left in ours!

They hardly ever use condoms in films either. Yet they never get STDs, unless it's a plot point to discover that their DH is cheating on them.

I would like to see a film where

a) The leading man and woman eat a huge meal and then go home, lie on the sofa, pass wind loudly and then decide they are too fat / tired to have sex so go to bed.
b) before they go to bed the man leaves some grated carrot in the sink catcher thing.
c) In the morning they have sex but don't kiss because of morning breath.
d) She gets cystitis and he catches an STI from her.
e) But is all ends happily because HE CHANGES THE TOILET ROLL.

It's got Oscar award potential, yes?

I have spent over 20 years trying to teach my husband how to carry the new pack of loo roll up to the bathroom. Why does he think it is sitting on the stairs? Does he think it is going to reach the loo all on it's own and is it so hard to pick it up and take it with you if you are going upstairs?

When he finally gets to grips with this we will then try unpacking it and putting it on the loo roll stick and then if we are still at the stage of needing loo roll and not in incontanance pads we will finally be ready to handle loo roll changing.

Slow and steady, cantspel. Slow and steady. You can't rush these things you know.

The other thing that always bugs me (they keep occurring to me) is that when the hero and heroine have blown a building apart, killed a hundred baddies and demolished a neighbourhood they just then waltz happily off into the sunset/brick dust. Surely the Police would want to ask them a few questions? Or throw them into jail for the aforementioned crimes?

My pet peeve is the way people in films never say goodbye when they hang up the phone.

I know it's stupid but ever since I noticed it, it's been driving me batty.

So in our film I'd like a scene where the hero says something clever into the phone and hangs up, then his friend calls him back and says, Did you just hang up on me? How bleeding rude can you get! Click.

I can see the titles now

Die Hard 6 - the trip to Ikea

Alien and Predator vs the toilet roll holder

Star Trek 46 - the search for clean socks

Star Wars - The duvet cover strikes back

Terminator 8 - The saturday supermarket shop
Oh no we forgot the milk!
Dont vorry I'll be back

Don't forget the never ending story of dishwasher loading and uloading.