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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have not reacted to this man?

34 replies

LDNmummy · 30/10/2011 14:38

I went shopping a few days ago with my DH and our month old DD. She usually sleeps all through trips out and doesn't even wet her nappy till we get back home (I assume she is too comfortable even to soil her nappy as we carry her in a carrier).

On this occasion however, we were out much longer than usual so I took her out of her carrier and she woke so I could change and feed her (just want to mention how unbelievable the mother and baby facilities are at Westfield Shock) Well she wouldn't really fall back asleep so for the first time ever, she was awake while we were out and I ended up having to breastfeed her on the train back home.

Most people politely looked away in an effort to seem disinterested and others obviously didn't mind. I cover us with a cloth while I feed anyway as although it makes no difference to me, I know others can feel strange about it (only while out in large public areas though as I am very comfortable breastfeeding usually).

One man however was leering. It was so obvious that my DH noticed so it wasn't me being paranoid. He stood less than a metre away and stared straight in the direction of my chest. I felt disgusted and when it became too much, my DH was going to get up and block his view when thankfully he got off the train. It was such an obvious display that three people sitting in front of us kept looking back and forth to see what was happening.

For some reason I felt sorry for the guy instead of angry and it meant I didn't act on my anger at his behaviour. I imagined him as this loner pervert with no life or friends and though I felt disgusted and angry, it made me not want to act, as if I would humiliate him on the train and it would push him into depression or something else (strange I know).

Was I U not to have acted?

For a developed country, some things are still so backwards here Sad

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/10/2011 14:42

Well going on everything I seem to be reading on MN lately, he might have had SN.

But no you were not being unreasonable....he could have been looking at the baby and actually unaware that you were feeding her and not just snuggling her.

Original poster
LDNmummy · 30/10/2011 14:42

I'm also interested to know what others would have done or have done in a situation like this. I know it has been done to death, but it was so pervy and disgusting I had to vent.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/10/2011 14:45

I would have done the same as you because as I say, he might have had SN or actually not realised.

If he had said something 'pervy' to me then the gloves would have been off.

But until then, you don't know. He might have had very poor eyesight too.

HildaOgden · 30/10/2011 14:45

I think you're overthinking it a tad:

'it made me not want to act, as if I would humiliate him on the train and it would push him into depression or something else (strange I know).'

Seriously??

whatkatydidathome · 30/10/2011 14:47

I'd have unlatched dd and squirted him in the face Grin I agree that he may hav ejust been curious though or may have been looking at the baby. Is it your first? I felt a bit awkward and self consious when I started feeding my first but by the time I'd finished feeding my third I was lucky if I remembered to put my boobs away afterwards Grin

If bfeeding in public were more common then maybe t*ats like this would get used to it. I guess that it is a bit chicken and egg though.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 30/10/2011 14:49

This happened a few days ago and you're still brooding over it now? It's highly unusual for anyone to 'perve' over a breastfeeding woman and as other posters have said the man could have had SN, poor eyesight or even been thinking about something else entirely and be looking in your direction.
I think you need to forget about it and move on.

Rollon2012 · 30/10/2011 14:49

I'm maybe thinking SN most pervy men wouldnt be stupid enough to leer at a bf woman.

Original poster
LDNmummy · 30/10/2011 14:49

Thats another reason I didn't act Worra, I was also slightly worried he may have SN. It was just so disconcerting to be stared at like that. I actually bumped my head slightly on a hand rail trying to get my sleeve back up because I became so uncomfortable (if you can picture it). I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that part.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/10/2011 14:51

But take the BFing out of the equation and he might have stared all the same....at how sweet your baby is perhaps?

I'm wondering if the fact you were BFing made you feel self concious and assume he was leering?

I dunno, too many ifs and buts...that's why I wouldn't have reacted either unless he actually said something to me.

eaglewings · 30/10/2011 14:52

You did the right thing not to react, I doubt I would have had your manners or been able to prevent dh from saying anything

It is a possibility he had social problems but even if he did not nothing good would have come from a confrontation

Don't let it put you off, this is a very unusual occurrence most people either just smile or look away

runningwilde · 30/10/2011 14:54

Love whatkatydid's suggestion!

Seriously though, it is hard to know how to act I these situations so I don't know what I would have done. I've never had anything like that when bf in public but one time a lady did stare in a 'disgusted' kind of way and I outerwear her and gave her a very intimidating look that made her blush and look away!

Original poster
LDNmummy · 30/10/2011 14:55

Yes Hilda I know that bit is massive overkill, hence the "(strange I know)". I am putting that down to my hormones at the moment.

No dickie in all honesty he was staring right at my chest and looked me in the face at one point. You couldn't mistake it

OP posts:
JaneFonda · 30/10/2011 14:56

I once experienced a (weirdly) similar situation.

I was on a crowded train and BFing my DS2, and there was a man blatantly staring at my chest. It made me feel very uncomfortable but I didn't want to say anything because I was by myself, and I was starting to feel quite uspet.

The thing that surprised me most was that of ALL the people who saw him staring at me, the person who spoke up? A sixteen year old girl. I still think of her now, and think how incredibly brave she was to have stood up and said to him, 'Excuse me, can you stop staring at this woman? She obviously doesn't want YOU to be watching her whilst she's feeding her baby, so stop acting like a creep.'

I wasn't certain whether he WAS being a creep or not, but the fact that she said something to him made me feel so relieved, as he turned away and got off at the next stop.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 30/10/2011 14:57

if you were covered up what was there to stare at? maybe he never seen a baby fed before, maybe he wondered why baby was covered and had no idea you were feeding?

Original poster
LDNmummy · 30/10/2011 15:00

I had covered her with a cloth so he couldn't see her to be staring at how cute she was (although she is remarkably beautiful Grin)

I don't feel self concious about breastfeeding, in my home country it is a part of life and women even sit in church tits out breastfeeding. The only reason I even cover up with a cloth is for other peoples sensitivities. It definitely wasn't me feeling self concious as I honestly don't.

I do understand what you guys are saying, but it was pretty unmistakable.

I dunno...

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/10/2011 15:01

I thought you were covered up?

TheQueenOfDeDead · 30/10/2011 15:02

Maybe he didn't notice you were feeding, maybe he wondered why you had the baby covered, maybe he had special needs, maybe he was a creepy old perv.

Who knows, but you seem to be overthinking it all.

DaisySteiner · 30/10/2011 15:04

YANBU. I've had a similar experience in the past. I was on my own and it was obvious enough for a kindly couple to come and sit with me and check I was OK and whether I wanted them to ask him to go away. I assumed he probably had some kind of special needs and just ignored him. Not a very nice experience.

zookeeper · 30/10/2011 15:04

I think you're overthinking this a bit - probably because you're a bit self conscious?

worraliberty · 30/10/2011 15:05

This thread has given me food for thought actually.

Personally I believe BFing should not be a 'private' thing and that women everywhere should BF where and when they see fit.

But if that ever happens (and I hope it will one day) they can't have it both ways. They can't expect people not to look at them BFing...because it will be a 'normal' thing...and we all look at 'normal' things.

As a Mum of 3 boys, I'd hate to think that if BFing in public does become widely accepted...they're going to be called 'pervs' and accused of leering on a regular basis whilst going about their daily business.

So some women will really have to 'toughen' up to the idea that people may look and no they're not all leering and perving.

This is not aimed at you btw OP....just something I've thought of here Blush

Original poster
LDNmummy · 30/10/2011 15:05

Yes, I had a cloth over her, but he still stared right at my chest. I can't say why he did it and I am not pretending to absolutely and certainly know.

I was asking if I should have reacted or not because it was my first time breastfeeding publicly and I am wondering now if this is what I am going to have to deal with frequently and if so, how to handle it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDNmummy · 30/10/2011 15:07

Thank you to the posters who are sharing the fact that they have experienced similar situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDNmummy · 30/10/2011 15:08

Ironically I have to go as baby needs feeding. Will be back!

OP posts:
DaisySteiner · 30/10/2011 15:09

I breastfed for about 7 years in total and it only happened once that I remember.

Pagwatch · 30/10/2011 15:10

No. It's not what you are going to have to deal with regularly.
I have breastfed all my dc, including feeding dd for several years and no one ever stared.

Yes you probably should ignore any bizarre behaviour on public transport. I would adopt that as a general principle.

And he may well have stared because he had sn. Ds 2 might stare because he would be curious as to what you were doing. He stared intently at a bloke with amputated legs on Friday. He wasn't trying to be offensive. He was worried that the man was hurt.