to be considering asking a vicar for advice even though I'm not actively religious

[soandsosmummy]

When it comes to religion I am not sure what I believe. I've made some mistakes and done things that have affected other people and i know I'm not perfect (far from it).

One of those people has done something to me and my family that I am not sure I can forgive. They do not admit to having done anything wrong and do not show any remorse yet the lack of forgiveness on my part is eating me up inside.

Christianity preaches forgiveness even in the Lords Prayer (forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us). AIBU if I ask to talk to our local vicar about how and if I can let go and forgive this person.

This is genuine I really don't know how he'd react since i so rarely go to church though I think he knows about the situation as there's been a lot of gossip locally :(

Ask him. He won't be offended.

Interesting question.

I'm not at all religious, in fact I think I actively avoid anything to do with religion other than weddings and funerals.

What I would say though is that this is about how you feel about things, isn't it? If you think speaking to a vicar could help you make sense of things, or feel differently about them, then why not?

CofE vicars are supposed to give pastoral care to all members of the parish, not just the ones that rock up every week.

Ask, I'm sure he'll want to talk it through with you.

I think a vicar would have plenty of experience in guiding people. I would assume they'd be bound by confidentiality too - they'd inform the authorities if someone was in danger, but won't shoot their mouth off in the community iyswim.

You obviously identify yourself as a Christian and a member of the congregation - just because you don't attend often doesn't mean you're any less deserving of your vicar's time

Without knowing what your issue is it's difficult to comment but why do you need to forgive? You can come to terms with something without forgiving surely?

It's natural to feel angry and resentful if someone's done something to hurt you or your loved ones. It'll pass on it's own. I'm not sure it's healthy to repress your feelings in this way. If you can naturally come to terms with the deed then you've found forgiveness on your own, if you can't come to terms with it I'm not sure how you think a religion that you're not sure you believe in can help.

I am actively religious and I think it depends on the vicar. I know vicars with whom I have clicked within seconds of meeting them and others who live their lives on a totally different philosophical spectrum. I know vicars who are gay, vicars who are evangelical and vicars who are high church. I trust deeply an evangelical vicar whose services I couldn't engage with; I am circumspect about a high church vicar I know and why he is actually a vicar at all. Where I worship I would be likely to discuss some things with the vicar and some with the curate but I know them well.

Any vicar should be able to guide and to listen and to help you work out your own thoughts but remember they will do it with God as their reference and you must bear that in mind. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

OP - YANBU. Go speak to the vicar.

I did it.

I am a lapsed Christian in that I was brought up in a Christian household, attended church regularly until I was about 18, and then in phases over the last 20 or so years.

I had a question which was troubling me regarding a family friend, who happened to be an ex-vicar). I went and spoke to the vicar of the nearest church - I made an appointment by phoning his office.

He was extremely helpful and helped me to sort out my own thoughts on the matter so I could stop thinking about it, and letting it affect me.

I am sure that the vicar, or one of the pastoral assistants, will be happy to listen to you and help you forgive. This is a vitally important part of being a Christian.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Their role is to offer guidance to people.
Go talk to him.
Good luck.

It tells you something about yourself if you are thinking about asking a vicar for help.

Vicars advise and help people all the time, often without mentioning any religious element at all. I think you should go and make an appointment and see how it goes; if you find that is isn't helpful, you can always try and find another solution.

Of course YANBU.
My dh is a vicar and has had all sorts of people talk to him - honestly vicars can talk in ways that are not all about Jesus!!!

If this is a person you think you can trust (and of course you can trust him not to break confidences - is part of their "job description") do it!

PS the best time to actually talk is not on a sunday after the services. By all means "book" him then /make him aware you would like to chat - but they are usually frantic/being hounded about all sorts of routine stuff so to get the best out of him find another day:)

Why not, after all, you're asking the internet for advice? .
Seriously, I think if he knows the situation already he would be a good person to offer proper advice and help. I would book an appointment and see how you feel - you can always thank him and leave if it's not what you expected.

@colken: Like, that you need an outside perspective, possibly from someone objective but compassionate? Oh noes! She must be a terrible person!

colken how very ignorant. My only contact with vicars in recent years has been the one who attended after I lost a baby, to arrange a funeral. He was the kindest, gentlest and most compassionate man I have ever met so yes, if you feel you can talk to him do so.

YANBU - however, if your uncomfortable talking to him or issues with the local gossip, there are online clergy that you can talk to as well. A quick search brought up several sites to talk to priests and vicars, none that I can personally recommend, but maybe someone else may have experience. I have used AskMoses.com (Judaism, obviously, with rabbis and laypeople) and found their advice - and listening/reading - quite friendly and they have a database of anonymous previous questions and answers for the curious and nervous.

Thank you so much for not laughing at me. I think you've decided me to at least give it a go. I think forgiveness is important to me because bitterness and anger take up so much emotional energy and make me feel so sad :( This person has been punished in a court of law but somehow even that was not enough for me to forgive as they were so remorseless and cold and don't even accept they are guilty (it wasn't murder or abuse or anything but something nasty and vindictive which we're still dealing with the consequences of as a family)

I agree that your vicar might be helpful. If you're not in the church then it's hard to think of someone independent who you don't know well who might be good to talk to and get some advice. Presumably you won't be offended if their advice is based upon their beliefs so I think it's worth a go.

My late grandmother wasn't a believer, but after my grandad died the vicar would come round for tea and a chat from time to time.

OP, I hope this can help you move on.