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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to go on a bus ever again

42 replies

ariane5 · 30/10/2011 11:32

This is not the first time i have had an experience like this although it was by far the most horrible.

Myself and 3 dcs (9,4 and 1) were travelling to my mums by bus, all 3 dcs have the genetic condition Ehlers-danlos syndrome (causes them to have frequent dislocations, joint and muscle pain and fatigue amongst other symptoms) so journeys are always difficult especially as i dont drive and cant always afford taxis.

Anyway, i have a double buggy for days when ds is really bad and rest of the time if he isnt in too much pain he will ride on a buggy boardh is what i was using on the bus with the baby in the buggy,we got on and it was relatively quiet so we all sat down, it got a bit busier so i gave up my seat for an old lady, all was fine untill the next stop where LOADS of people got on, one lady with a wheely basket decided to start shouting at ds 'move,move i need to sit there'so i had to say to her 'no, im sorry he cant move he needs to sit down' and she asked me why, i just said that he has a joint problem and if he stands and the bus suddenly brakes he would dislocate something, she looked at me, tutted and went and sat down nearer the front and kept staring at me and tutting!

I thought that was the end of it untill another old lady turned to the person next to her, pointed at ds and dd and exclaimed 'LOOK at those children sitting there, its disgusting, absolutely disgusting she should be ashamed of herself'next thing i know about six eldery people are all looking at me and the dcs saying how disrespectful iam not giving up seats for other people and how the dcs look perfectly healthy to them.

I wanted to cry, i got off that bus shaking it was horrible i dont see why i have to explain myself to rude people like that as to why my dcs are sitting down. I always give my own seat up if needed and i now feel like never getting the bus ever again it was that horrible.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2011 11:35

I sympathise OP but perhaps you should have explained. There are plenty of people who feel entitled to sit where they like and not make provision for elderly people that it's not always clear when there's a real need. It's a shame though, no need for people to be rude to you.

worraliberty · 30/10/2011 11:37

Sorry to hear that Sad

You don't have to explain yourself but I do agree it's disgusting when children are sitting in seats watching old people stand.

I think it's rude and selfish and I see it more and more these days...especially here in a London Borough as children travel free.

However, in your case you had a bloody good reason but you can't expect people to assume your children suffer from Ehlers-danlos syndrome because no-one would, would they?

CheeseyZitLover · 30/10/2011 11:41

The op did explain, some people are just rude.

Must say I have noticed a few times kids/ adults giving their seat up for elderly/ disabled people and they don't even get a thanks for it, have also been harrumphed at for not making the boy stand, altho I will gladly give my seat at but at 10 and having autism/ dyspraxia he simply hasn't got the co ordination not to fly everywhere........ Sometimes I think kids are just seen as an easy target to be griped at.

worraliberty · 30/10/2011 11:43

She explained to one person...sadly she can't expect all the other tutters to know that.

Cheesey would you not stand with your 10yr old to stop him flying around?

Original poster
ariane5 · 30/10/2011 11:44

i tried to explain as much as i could telling them it was a joint problem and how easily they can dislocate joints but it seemed to be a case of 'well those children look healthy to us' and they obviously thought i was just being rude and awkward which is the last thing id want to be. It was just so humiliating and dd1 (9) especially looked embarassed as it has been hard for her to come to terms with her problems and accept them and i have to keep explaining myself to ignorant strangers and giving people my dcs medical history just to avoid being had a go at.

It has happened before and i expect it will happen again i just am so fed up of it, we rarely go out due to the dcs probs /hosp appts and this sort of thing just makes me want to hide away and stay at home

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/10/2011 11:45

It must be awful OP Sad

Are you learning to drive?

crazynannawitchbitch · 30/10/2011 11:45

I made my 5yo grandson get off his seat and sit on my knee once for an elderly lady,only for some man to say a few minutes later "He's a bit big to sit on your knee,isn't he?"
Sometimes you just cannot win

FabbyChic · 30/10/2011 11:45

Seriously honey, why dn't you use the childrens DLA to get a mobility car.

Original poster
ariane5 · 30/10/2011 11:47

yes, started driving lessons a couple of months agout it has been a bit stop and start as dcs keep getting unwell/hosp appts etc so it hard to find time but iam persevering as i think it is the only way i will manage

OP posts:
eaglewings · 30/10/2011 11:48

It is so hard knowing what to say and not say as an adult with an invisible disability

Knowing what to say about your children's condition in front of them must be a hundred times worse.

You know your situation much better than me, but how about thinking up a sentence that you can use in these situations that you can real out easily when you feel anger and are not thinking so straight

Along the lines of, " please trust me when I say my children need these seats as much as you do"

Or for really judgmental people
"I'd gladly let you have my children's seats if you would take their inherited disability that makes them need them more than you"

YADNBU

Original poster
ariane5 · 30/10/2011 11:53

thankyou eaglewings i think i need to get something ready to say in my head for these situations as it happens all too often and i just end up a tearful wreck and never know what to say.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 30/10/2011 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseyZitLover · 30/10/2011 11:53

No I would not worral, for one thing he can barely cope with being on a packed bus as it is, he and I are far safer with him podged in a quiet corner and secondly I am not going to make a child stand who is almost as tall as I am plus had his own disabilities to contend with when other healthier people will happily sit on their arses avoiding seat giving eye contact.

And no, he does not get mobility payments to get a 'free' car despite having the social understanding of a 2 year old, severe learning difficulties, no sense of danger very limited speech and tripping over his own feet every two seconds so sadly we have no choice but to use the bus.

herbietea · 30/10/2011 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

herbietea · 30/10/2011 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChippingInAutumnLover · 30/10/2011 12:01

Herbietea - because you didn't have makeup on? WTF that's so idiotic you have to laugh!!

CheeseyZitLover · 30/10/2011 12:02

The boys disability nurse suggested I hand out autism awareness cards, I bloody refuse to, my boy is over 5 foot tall, can't walk in a straight line, he rocks, repeatedly says the same thing, hand flaps and verbally sounds like a toddler still. It's pretty damn obvious he has extra needs.

And I refuse to 'educate' stupid.

Doesn't happen too often thank gawd and it comes in handy on trains, as we get to sit in first class if there are no seats.

GalloweesG · 30/10/2011 12:05

Overcrowded public transport is at the root of the problem. More tickets are sold than there are seats. We need more vehicles at peak times and smaller but frequent hopper buses at quieter times. I'm astounded that in these days of health and safety that people are still expected to stand on public transport yet safety belts in cars are compulsory.

BleedyGhoulzombiez · 30/10/2011 12:07

Ariane, I am incensed for you. How awful. But you are right - you should not and need not allow yourself to feel bullied like this. You have every right to place your children where you see fit, and as their mother you are the best person to demonstrate the art of standing up for oneself.

In that situation you would have been perfectly entitled to snap back at the group of people who were having a go at you. Keep it succinct: "My children have serious health problems and today they are unable to stand." Then turn away and ignore.

to you and your children.

BleedyGhoulzombiez · 30/10/2011 12:08

Herbie - re makeup, clearly if you're disabled you're not meant to care about how you look! What an idiot! Grin

Toughasoldboots · 30/10/2011 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZillionChocolate · 30/10/2011 12:27

How about "it may not be obvious, but my children are disabled and need to sit down"?

TandB · 30/10/2011 12:57

What a nasty experience.

But I agree that it would probably be a good idea to have a stock answer - or one to respond to polite requests and one for rude people.

Perhaps "I understand you are annoyed but I am not prepared to discuss my children's medical condition with a bus-load of strangers. Please respect that."

ChippingInAutumnLover · 30/10/2011 13:00

Toughasoldboots - poor little poppet :( It just makes you want to run away somewhere 'safe' with them really doesn't it - somewhere that they are 'normal' :(

elliejjtiny · 30/10/2011 13:19

Ariane that's awful. As you know DS2 has Elhers Danlos syndrome. DS1's school is a bus ride away so we do at least 4 bus journeys a day, 6 if DS2 has preschool as well. DS2 is still in the buggy full time so we haven't had the standing on the bus issue yet, just having to fold the buggy with an unsteady 3 year old and a nine month old in tow. I don't know what I would do in your situation. If I was feeling confident I would have told them that they looked perfectly healthy to me too but appearances can be deceptive. Most of the time I would probably try and ignore them though.