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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About gift giving

14 replies

Notnapping · 30/10/2011 11:29

So mil has been obsessed with ds1 since he was born even to ignoring her own dd (9 year age gap between ds1 and her dd )

She has to see him at least 4 times a week sometimes twice a day and every visit brings him at least 2 packs of sweets/ biscuits a whole cake etc... But often books, toys DVDs as well .

When he was a baby she used to bring bags of clothes toys etc.. Round but nothing for her own dd (who was left with me while she went shopping and many other times as she finds her difficult she does have a challenging personality and mil just ignores her now at 17 and she does as she pleases.

Now ds2 was born 71/2months ago and she's not Intrested (I think partly as I bf she can't just take him at her leisure to show him off to her freinds so he's not as interesting )

She gave him a teddy she had in the cupboard for the last 3 years at birth then 50 quid after a few weeks to get him something cause she didn't want to go shopping (yet had bought ds1 numerous things in this time)

Nothing since then she came back from holiday with a massive toy worth at least 40 quid for ds1 and nothing for ds2. Dh asked her and she said he doesn't understand and will buy him toys when he's older.

Aibu to think this a. Isn't a good example for ds2 (6) who can understand he's the only one getting stuff and b. She's doing it for the benefit if herself as ds1 can thank her iyswim

I'm dreading Xmas now some huge gift for ds1 and a token item for ds2 I'm guessing

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 30/10/2011 11:42

You need to get DH to be firm.

FabbyChic · 30/10/2011 11:44

Seriously you need to tell her you have two children and you won't have them treated differently.

rockinhippy · 30/10/2011 12:00

you seriously need to nip this in the bud, you are right, it WILL damage your DS1 -

I'm speaking from experience, my DM was the same with me & my DB when young - still is really - for example as DCs when it was my birthday DB we BOTH got gifts - when it was DBs birthday, I didn't

my DB has grown up with a massive sense of self entitlement & in his late 40s DM & DF frequently have to bail him out financially - which DB sees as "doing them a favour, as makes them feel useful" - & thats just the tip of the iceberg - you really do need to put a stop to it for all your sakes

sayithowitis · 30/10/2011 12:10

Absoloutely agree with Fabby checks temperature to make sure I am feeling ok .

Seriously, given the age gap and that DS1 is able to notice this, you need to get it sorted now. She may intend to be more generous towards ds2 when he is older, but tbh, I suspect she will always find a reason to give more to ds1. It needs to be sorted now so that it doesn't cause resentment between your Ds's when they are older. And if she doesn't agree, I am afraid I would politely refuse to accept any of her gifts for ds1. Actually, as I am writing, I remembered a friend who had this problem with her MIL, who used to go overboard about the dd and virtually ignore the DS's. My friend used to just accept whatever was given (usually money) and then make a point of sharing it equally between the dc's. Since you have two DS's, perhaps you could do something similar? ' Thank you for the presents grandma, obviously these can't all be for ds1, so which one(s) are for ds2? Sorry? not suitable you say? Never mind, I can just return them and get something that is suitable instead.'

Original poster

Notnapping · 30/10/2011 12:12

Unfortantly it's not that easy she treats dh like a 2 year old incapable of his own mind.

Ive tried and tried with her but it's all getting me down the constant unannounced visiting anytime between 8 and 10.30 at night sometimes twice a day not even leaving if I haveeople round, i go out most afternoons to avoid it. asked her to call she does once then continues as normal. She bangs on the living room window and goes round the back checking windows if I ignore the door and she thinks I'm in she often just bangs and looks through the window instead of ringing the door bell. She once tried to get fil to take the Yale lock off the door as she would prefer to just walk in

the constant critical Ppraisal of everything from the state of my house (if you'd called I'd have picked up the toys) to my personal financial investments being talked about with family members. The negative attitude about everything in the world. The turning up with McDonald for ds1 As im making dinner

Yes I know you'll say get dh to sort it but she doesn't listen to him and refers it to him if I say anything to her I'm just stuck in the situation really :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Notnapping · 30/10/2011 12:16

She's just absolutely OBSSED with ds1 I don't know why I was young and naive and let her get away with too much and now it's too late :(

I really felt like I struggled to bond with ds1 beacause of her she even muscled in on his birth I was out of it on drugs she turned up and nobody made her leave she held him before me and I had to ask the midwife if I could hold him.

She said dint bother with bf it's just rubbish mw agreed , I didn't know any better got cleaned up in the shower came back and she was ff him.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2011 12:22

Then you'll have to get firm with her, OP, go out with the boys and when she gets to your house she'll find nobody in. Get your DH in the plan and find a time when the boys are in bed that you both speak to her. She might think that it's ok as DS2 is too young to know but DS1 certainly isn't. You know her procedure, she's done it to her own daughter.

You can choose when she visits and you can tell her that if you see favouring of one child over another, the visits will stop. Ditto the gifts - same thought put into them/approximate value - or not at all.

You're they're parents, MIL does not call the shots.

Original poster

Notnapping · 30/10/2011 12:26

I do go out everyday but then she just guns up later or the next morning and she knocks on the window so the dog starts barking

She's the kind of person who will not be told she's wrong any attempts result in her ignoring us for a few days then starting the cycle all over again

OP posts:

Original poster

Notnapping · 30/10/2011 12:27

As if nothings wrong i mean turning up

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2011 12:36

Lock the doors, seriously. You'll have to take control.

sayithowitis · 30/10/2011 12:38

No, it is not too late - but you will have to be very firm with her. You and DH need to tell her exactly when she can visit and make it clear that is she turns up outside of that time,you will not answer the door to her. As for checking round the back, do you have a gate? If so, I would make sure you get a proper lock on it so she cannot just pop round the back when it suits her.

Why is she discussing your personal financial information with anyone? Why are you discussing it with her? It is none of her business. The state of your home is also none of her business, as long as it is not a health risk. I like the approach of one poster who suggests that in these situations you immediately call her on it - 'Did you mean to be so rude when you commented on the state of my home/financial information/ignored our wishes re; gifts/visits etc?

And if none of that worked, I am afraid I would be telling her very clearly that her visits were no longer welcome and that I would use legal means if necessary.

You can get out of this situation, but you and DH need to be working together and supporting each other.

ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 12:40

You and your husband need to speak to her and her husband about this. If you can, do it when there are no children about.

You have to have ground rules. Both children must be treated the same. She mustn't bring food to the house. She can bring sweets once a week, as long as they are for both children.

If she comes around without calling first, she has to just knock at the front door and not on windows or round the back.

God, she'd drive me bloody mad!

Original poster

Notnapping · 30/10/2011 12:53

She only knows about it sayit.. because dh told her stuff then her sil told me the things she was saying, as a result I have to limit what I can tell dh as he has a loose tongue and I don't want my business discussed with got knows who (this relates to an inheritance btw) I've heard her speak of others in a similar way about mortgages etc... (x is silly buying a house at 35 they'll never pay it off, y has to work now her husbands business isn't doing well etc...) mostly total rubbish

I think she has driven me mad imperial it's like banging my head against a brick wall !

OP posts:

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 30/10/2011 14:16

YANBU. She needs to stop trying to buy your child's love.
Personally, I would have told her to stop with the excessive gift giving in pretty short order, and not let her see the child if she couldn't get with that. But I don't really have many qualms about burning bridges.
Perhaps (to try and find a positive solution) you can encourage her to put the money that she's spending into an endowment/college fund/savings account for your son, that he can have when he hits some specified age.

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