Is he being unsupportive or am I imagining it?

[mixedmamameansbusiness]

I have just started my degree (1st year history). I go to university in the evenings from 6pm-9pm 3 times per week.

DH works in retail and is off 2 days in the week and my parents come one day per week to look after the DC (3 - aged 5, 3 and 7 months) in the evening.

There are a few issues really.

1. DH thinks that because he is looking after DC 2 evenings I should be around on his two days off rather than at the library doing my (huge) amounts of reading.

1. He refuses to deal with DS3 (7 months) in the bedroom so I am coming home to a crying baby at 9.30-10pm and left to deal with him. (I do have a system that gets all DC to bed by 7.30 and my mum follows it and has a really easy evening, however DH would rather watch TV hence he is grumpy when I get in because DS3 has been moaning most of the evening). I am happy for him to do things his way but then I dont want to come home and deal with the fall out myself.

1. Consequently I am up until 12 midnight most nights trying to do some reading (DH moaning if I take myself off to the kitchen so trying to do this in the sitting room whilst he channel flicks). Up between 5am and 6am with DC.

1. Morning - DH moaning constantly if he has to even wipe a snotty nose and huffing and puffing about putting some cornflakes in a bowl.

Thursday he took the kids to his mums so I could go to the library and work and when I said I would prob do the same Monday (I have a presentation and it has been half term so have not been able to finish it yet) he said he already gave me Thursday. I did say I would be around Thurs to take DS3 to music and we will be out till lunchtime and then I will pick DS1 up from school to take swimming before going to uni.

I basically have about 450 pages of reading in total each week (just required). I have 3 essays to write by Dec 12th and I feel exhausted.

He just keeps saying I am using him as a babysitter (as if you can actually babysit your own children). He likes to have a day off - as he seems to think that I have a day off.

Tomorrow, he is taking DS2 and DS3 to his mums which is helpful but instead of coming back at pick up time and giving the boys their dinner and settling them down nice and early he wants me to work at home (which of course I can do but just get distracted by washing etc) and pick up DS1 and take him to his mums on the bus and then go off to uni. Thsi is probably minor really in comparison to the other ongoing stuff.

I have been telling him for the past year that it will be 3 evenings from 6pm-9pm. We even discussed doing the part time degree which would have been 2 evenings and far less work but agreed to do it this way.

I feel really stressed with the workload, tired and have had a cold that wont shift.

Is he being unreasonable or am I just being oversensitive and expecting too much?

OP - sorry, haven't had time to read other responses as am going out, but....

I am a university lecturer and I see this pattern repeatedly with female mature students, especially those who come from backgrounds where others in the family haven't been to uni before. They think when you sign up for a degree like history or English with 'only' 9-12 contact hours a week, that that's all you do. They don't understand that you are expected to spend the rest of your time reading and writing.

You might want to find your programme or course handbook where it ought to say how many hours/ week you are expected to spend reading - e.g., guidelines at our dept state that for a 20-credit module you should expect 3-4 hours of contact time and should work independently for c. 12 hours outside the classroom every week. A full-time student takes 3 x 20-cr modules, resulting in a working week of about 40 hours, maybe a bit more in practice.

When you put it like this, maybe he can see that it's a full-time job. Maybe he will be more supportive then.

If not, you have a few choices. first up, go to see your personal tutor for advice - do this NOW, rather than before you get your first essay results back. They may be able to help you find a strategy. Second, consider going p/t if he really will not shift from his attitudes. This is not ideal, but it it is better than trying to hack it full-time and not getting the marks you could because you are constantly stressed out. Really, it will not get less demanding in your second year, and in your final year when you have a dissertation (probably) to worry about, you may go spare.

Don't know if that helps, but just to say I see a fair few women students going through this. If you want a shoulder to cry on, PM me if you like.

Have you seen "Educating Rita"?

revolting peasant has some good practical advice.

I think some posters are being too kind and generous about your dh. I get the feeling that his obstructive behaviour is not because he doesn't understand the undertaking of a degree, I think he is willfully sabotaging your future career because he feels threatened by it.
He sounds selfish and destructive, if not downright abusive.

Hi OP, just come back to this and read thread properly- seen you want to go into teaching - can I just say, these days you NEED a 2.1 to get on to most PGCEs. I work at Not-The-Most-Competitive University and last year several of my students, perfectly good ones, with good 2.2s and low 2.1s, did not get on to our PGCE. It was a real surprise to them as they had thought they were sure to get on the primary PGCE, and I think a few years ago they would've been - but stuff is just so competitive for graduates today.

If you want to get into teaching, esp at secondary level, you need to take action now to secure your degree results, or else it will not have been worth it.

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

In terms of time to himself/myself. Yes I have my degree but he also has work, commuting time, actual work, after drinks work (not lots but he absolutely can whenever he wants and does). In terms of me not doing my share, I am here from 6am until 7 everyday but 3. I do the reading, the extra curricular, the bathing, the tantrums, the playdates.

However, we talked last night and he apologised. We have agreed on a broad moving forward plan. It seems that when I was saying evening study he wasnt getting that I would finish at 9pm and be in by 10pm (I did always use the times when explaining). Anyway he feels that whilst I am used to being abe to do dinner, bath kids and get them to bed he feels that since he doesnt do it (he finishes too late) he feels out of his depth. He still wont follow bedtime advice though.

I am pleased that he has understood my issues, I have explained how important this degree is to me and to us (in terms of future career and progression etc) and in terms of looking at it more as a job in terms of commitment and I think we have found a way forward.

Us time is hard to come by as even though DS1 and 2 are able to stay at GP etc DS3 cant really, but we have agreed that Sat and Sun evenings are X Factor, Strictly and DOwnton Abbey nights. Mostly his company issues are just being here rather than engaging conversation but that is fine.