Is he being unsupportive or am I imagining it?

[mixedmamameansbusiness]

I have just started my degree (1st year history). I go to university in the evenings from 6pm-9pm 3 times per week.

DH works in retail and is off 2 days in the week and my parents come one day per week to look after the DC (3 - aged 5, 3 and 7 months) in the evening.

There are a few issues really.

1. DH thinks that because he is looking after DC 2 evenings I should be around on his two days off rather than at the library doing my (huge) amounts of reading.

1. He refuses to deal with DS3 (7 months) in the bedroom so I am coming home to a crying baby at 9.30-10pm and left to deal with him. (I do have a system that gets all DC to bed by 7.30 and my mum follows it and has a really easy evening, however DH would rather watch TV hence he is grumpy when I get in because DS3 has been moaning most of the evening). I am happy for him to do things his way but then I dont want to come home and deal with the fall out myself.

1. Consequently I am up until 12 midnight most nights trying to do some reading (DH moaning if I take myself off to the kitchen so trying to do this in the sitting room whilst he channel flicks). Up between 5am and 6am with DC.

1. Morning - DH moaning constantly if he has to even wipe a snotty nose and huffing and puffing about putting some cornflakes in a bowl.

Thursday he took the kids to his mums so I could go to the library and work and when I said I would prob do the same Monday (I have a presentation and it has been half term so have not been able to finish it yet) he said he already gave me Thursday. I did say I would be around Thurs to take DS3 to music and we will be out till lunchtime and then I will pick DS1 up from school to take swimming before going to uni.

I basically have about 450 pages of reading in total each week (just required). I have 3 essays to write by Dec 12th and I feel exhausted.

He just keeps saying I am using him as a babysitter (as if you can actually babysit your own children). He likes to have a day off - as he seems to think that I have a day off.

Tomorrow, he is taking DS2 and DS3 to his mums which is helpful but instead of coming back at pick up time and giving the boys their dinner and settling them down nice and early he wants me to work at home (which of course I can do but just get distracted by washing etc) and pick up DS1 and take him to his mums on the bus and then go off to uni. Thsi is probably minor really in comparison to the other ongoing stuff.

I have been telling him for the past year that it will be 3 evenings from 6pm-9pm. We even discussed doing the part time degree which would have been 2 evenings and far less work but agreed to do it this way.

I feel really stressed with the workload, tired and have had a cold that wont shift.

Is he being unreasonable or am I just being oversensitive and expecting too much?

Goodness sorry it is so long.

I think he's jealous that you will have something that he hasn't. He could do the same after you have graduated though or isn't he up to it?

He is being unreasonable, it's all about him and what he wants, he is not supportive at all.

He is being incredibly selfish, lazy and unsupportive. Do you really need to ask?

Is there some reason he doesn't want you to get this degree?

Blokes who say they are 'babysitting' their own kids should be strung up, imo. They are his responsibility too.

Colken he could do the same now and I have encouaged him but he just goes on and on about how he dumped on by me.

I am thinking today that perhaps I should just look into some childcare for DS3 for a couple of days a week to save all this hassle. He even said the other day that I chose to be a SAHM!

After - going back to FT work at 4 months with DS1 and PT after DS2 at 6 months and this time I said I wanted to take some time out and get my degree to get a better job but he seems to think that I signed up to just do everything.

I work solidly whilst DS3 is asleep in the afternoon (maybe 1.5 hours) and from 7-8,30 when DH comes home then try for an hour or so later but it isnt enough.

He is being very unreasonable and unsupportive & you know it really.

I don't know what to suggest though, helpful I know.

Maybe other childcare for DS3 and maybe 2 some of the time so he feels like he gets more of a break?

TBH I would have ranted enough times by now, esp about the bedtime routine that it would have sunk in

I am shocked that he can't be bothered to put the little one to bed. That is neglectful and unkind to his own small child!

What everyone else said.

What's keeping you together?

I would be questioning my future with a guy like that, he sounds very selfish.

I think you need to sit down & re-write some mutually agreed house rules/agreements.

Ask him why he feels so put upon caring for his own DC's?

Why does he fell he is entitled to a "day off" when you don't?

Ask him how he feels the childcare should be shared, & then point out the inequalities.

No need for confrontation (even though I'd be itching to slap him & tell him to get a grip) but genuinely ask for his input & work through his ideas. Maybe he just doesn't feel he is being considered in all the complex planning you have to do to keep the family afloat (diddums) the bloody fragile male ego & all that.

YA Soooooo NBU

Point out to him how much better off you would be as a single parent - you'd get grants and extra loan and help with childcare costs, possibly even a priority place at the university nursery for a couple of days to do your reading etc, you might get access fund or waived fees, the list is endless...

Like comedycentral, I would be questioning my future with a twat man like that. He's not just being supportive, he's being downright obstructive.

a day off? when he became a father, he thought they'd be days off?
where does he want the kids to go?
get up, go to the library, don't answer your phone. if he complains, tell him you were working hard, he's just had the day at home, relaxing, and what's for dinner, love?

my blood is boiling on your behalf.

sit down, right out a list of what needs to be done - his work, your course, the kids' needs.

then timetable it fairly.

ask him to do the same & have a discussion

it may be that you are both genuinely over-stretched & that childcare would be the answer. but his attitude seems to be that you're the answer.

Been thinking and have more to say!

Thing is Mixed - you talked this through before starting, he must have known how much time you would need to study & to attend lectures.
He is sabotaging your degree with his unhelpfulness.

I'm trying to be polite but really...

So that's No. 1.

1. explain (again) your bedtime routine and tell him that you will not be responsible for getting the baby down when you get home. He is. end of. you get him down every other night, that's 4 out of 7.

1. tell him if he wants to watch tv he can, you are studying in the kitchen (or somewhere else), you cannot properly study with the tv on in the same room, esp if he's channel hopping too - imagine when your DC are older trying to do their homework, and they try to watch tv at the same time - surely he will be telling them to turn it off until the homework is finished?!?!

1. he needs to get a grip. they are his kids too. not helpful i know but really, you should be a partnership

next - when you 'gave' him Thurs, he just went to his mums anyway, not like he actually looked after the kids by himself.

tomorrow - sometimes you do actually need to be somewhere else to do the reading, home is too easily distracting and it would surely suit you better (ie get more done) to be there for a solid day? He wants you to be the 'transporter' of DS1 to his mums so he doesn't actually have to do any looking after. Will he be bringing them all home to put to bed on his own?

I find it hard to suggest ideas to help because i just cannot imagine my DH being that unhelpful. Was he like this before your course?

It seems to me that he hasn't bought in to the idea that the degree is 'work'. I suspect he's thinking of it as some sort of hobby. You need to sell it to him again - demonstrate how it will benefit you all in the long term. Show him your timetable, show him the reading you have to get through. And so on and so forth.

And tell him to wake up and smell the coffee.

Is he assuming that once you get a better job, he'll get to enjoy the enhanced salary aspect as well as you? In that case, he needs to get on board - he is helping you to earn that money for his benefit, not just yours

it sounds to me that rather than being not being supportive - he is missing you and the time you spend together. It does sound like it is passing ships in the night rather than a marriage.

Whilst I appreciate that you are busy doing your degree (I completed mine late in life with dh and 2 kids around!) you need to work out some time together either just as a couple or as a family without any distractions

and before I get flamed I am not saying that the op's husband has not got to pull his socks up but, maybe there are other issues at hand

If he doesn't get on board,suggest that he pays a paid babysitter to do the 2 evenings a week he currently does.

Thanks everyone.

I think we will talk again. I already agreed to tomorrow as I was so peed off this morning and will talk about Thurs and how we manage going forward.

He is quite an inconsiderate husband to be honest and I often question why I bother, but that is another story really. When he is good he is great but he just constantly seems to be more tired, need more time, rest etc than me.

JKS thanks for thinking in so much detail.

I think that he does see it as a hobby even though he knows I hope to go into teaching at the end of it.

He isnt much of talker really - perhaps a few nights of me burning the night oil and he might see exactly how much work I really have.

cricket - I take your point and will consider that more fully.

Marriage is a partnership and you have to have the same goals and aspirations really.

Where as you are relying on him to pick up all the evening stuff with the kids whilst you fulfil your aspirations, he's seeing it as being put upon. (and there are enough posts in reverse from women who get mightily pissed off that they're left to deal with the kids when their DP is out and about of an evening).

Compromise is always the way forward.

Are you getting enough 'couple time'? That could actually be the root of the problem. Life is a juggling act and getting the balance is crucial.

Does he want you to sit and chat with him every evening or does he want you to sit and watch him change channels? I can see that if he's used to great conversation every evening it is a bit lonely to sit there on your own, but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

I think he's sabotaging your degree. I do think, though, that you're taking on a lot with three nights per week and three small children. Given your youngest is so small, it's inevitable that it's difficult to study during the day.

I can see that he wouldn't want to look after the children on his own on his days off - he will want to spend time with you, too and to do things on his own. Everyone has the right to have some time to themselves - you yourself are doing your degree and surely appreciate that time to yourself.

If he's an arse in other ways, then you would probably find life a hell of a lot easier on your own. A lot of people's marriages do break down when they start studying - they mix with different groups of people, talk about things which interest them, see a whole new world opening for them. Their partners do feel left behind - it's inevitable. Of course they don't have to - he could take the same degree as you and ask your parents to come over three nights a week, but he's not going to do that, is he?

imo from his point of view you arent doing your share of the kids and he feels as if you are dumping the load on him. which based on what you say and what he does sounds as if it is right.

it just sounds like he is struggling and would like your company in the evenings

when someone is getting that irate at wiping noses and the likes they arent coping well and he probably feels completely taken advantage whenever you need to do 'important reading'