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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell MIL about DS2

17 replies

lucky24 · 30/10/2011 10:59

May be more WWYD

We have not had any contact from MIL for 4 years, lots of issues from DH's childhood, DH doesnt want anything to do with her now and i think she feels the same, or they are both too stubourn to make a mends.

I wrote to MIL the first Christmas, when we moved house, and when DS1 was born she has never replied.

Now expecting DS2 in January, im wondering if i should write to her after the birth to let her know DH says not to (but if i did i dont think he would be angry with me). My concern is that is if i write and she does reply that i will be opening a can of worms as we dont really want her in our lives now, after all this time.

But for some reason i feel she should know about that she has another GS.

So AIBU to let her know?

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 30/10/2011 11:01

I wouldn't. Let DH manage that one, what good could it do?

Trills · 30/10/2011 11:05

If you want to do WWYD rather than AIBU did you know we have a lovely WWYD topic?

You've asked your question twice and in opposite directions.

The title says AIBU to not tell MIL about DS2, at the end of the post you say AIBU to let her know. If someone says YABU or YANBU how will you know what they mean?

I think that blood is not thicker than water. Why would having another baby make you want to get in contact with someone who neither you nor your DH wants to see otherwise?

squeakyfreakytoy · 30/10/2011 11:06

Does your DH have any other family members, who he does talk to, who could tell her?

Blacksquirrel · 30/10/2011 11:08

I think it's your DH's decision to make & if he doesn't want her to know you should respect that.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 30/10/2011 11:08

Please don't if you value your sanity or your family unit - it will either be ignored (best outcome) or completely turn your life upside down :( There is a reason she's estranged - don't forget that.

She's been awful to your DH, completely ignored your DS1 - you don't need to invite someone this toxic into your life again.

You owe her NOTHING

Original poster

lucky24 · 30/10/2011 11:09

Thanks Trills i didn't know there was a WWYD topic.
Your right about the 2 opposite AIBU questions, will have to put more thought into my posts in future

OP posts:

AurraSing · 30/10/2011 11:11

I would leave it. You said you don't really want her in your life right now so there really isn't much point in letting her know.

That's not to say that you should never contact her, but only when it's right for you as a family.

Annpan88 · 30/10/2011 11:11

Oooh the AIBU thread police are out in force today

op I understand you wanting to contact her. But if you do and she does nothing you'll be hurt, and if she does reply, like you say, you'll be openinf a can of worm.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

slavetofilofax · 30/10/2011 11:11

I wouldn't tell her, because DH doesn't want you too.

But I would let him know that you will do it if he changes his mind, because there is always the chance that the poor guy does want her to know, but doesn't want to end up feeling rejected again if she doesn't respond.

And if she does reply, you said it would be opening a can of worms, so it seems that with either outcome of you letting her know, your DH will end up feeling hurt somehow. But then I guess he already feel hurt over his Mum anyway.

I would be inclined to let sleeping dogs lie, you already tried to send a kind of peace offering when you told her about ds1.

She doesn't have a right to know about her GC, because she doesn't seem like a very nice Mother. As a good Mother, that probably seems very odd to you, but she has made her choice.

She will probably come running back when she is old and in need of help herself.

Original poster

lucky24 · 30/10/2011 11:12

Squeaky, not really, DH has no brothers or sisters from his mum. He speaks to his dad and dads side of the family but i dont think they would want to contact his mum.

My mum would write to her if i asked her too, that may be an option

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2011 11:13

She clearly has no interest.
Why do you want her to know?

Trills · 30/10/2011 11:14

I think that since it is DH's mother you should let him decide, unless you disagree with the reason that he doesn't speak to her.

Original poster

lucky24 · 30/10/2011 11:17

I really dont know why i think she should know, i guess its just she has another blood relative in the world and should at least be aware of it.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 30/10/2011 11:17

Don't worry about your post it's easy to understand and that's all that matters.

Personally I'd leave it to your DH because he might not mind now, but that's probably because he doesn't expect her to reply.

If she does and it opens a can of worms, he might resent you.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 30/10/2011 11:17

telling her about your son is including her in your lives, don't include her in your lives if you dont want her included in your lives. it's common sense. if you dont want her involved, dont involve her.

slavetofilofax · 30/10/2011 11:24

I really dont know why i think she should know, i guess its just she has another blood relative in the world and should at least be aware of it.

That is because you are a nice person and a good Mum, and so someone not being interested in their child or their grandchild probably seems completely unthinkable to you. I think I would feel the same as you and would struggle to get my head round the fact that someone didn't want to be involed in the lives of the brilliant people that you love so much.

But she has shown that she doesn't want to be involved. It's very sad for your little family, but it's probably even more sad for her. She can't be a happy person if this is how she feels about her own offspring.

I would concentrate your efforts into supporting your DH. He will probably feel the loss of his Mum all over again when his second child is born.

Original poster

lucky24 · 30/10/2011 11:26

Thanks for the replies, i wont contact her.

Trills - I do understand and agree with his decision not contact MIL. i think if she had relied 3 years ago when DS1 was born he may have been different but now too much time has past and i think the hurt she has coursed him has now numbed his feelings for her.

OP posts:

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