To expect that dh accepted dd is now an adult

[insanityscratching]

and dd stopped playing the "little girl" card and they both had a relationship based on the truth rather than the image that they both prefer to portray.
A bit complicated but anyway dd is 18 and a lovely if at times infuriating daughter. She is and always has been the apple of her Daddy's eye and undoubtedly plays on that at times.
We don't have the closest of relationships (too much alike I think, she's independent and stubborn and determined too) but she appreciates the fact I treat her like an adult and she can be totally honest with me.
This weekend she has gone to stay at her boyfriend's which is absolutely fine but has told dh that she is staying with a friend. I have said already that I refuse to lie for her but dh would never question what dd told him anyway.I don't feel it's my place to shatter dh's illusions tbh.
He still treats her as though she is about five and it would knock him for six that sex was on the cards (has been for a while but that's totally normal) and that dd would even think to deceive him (although I know why she would and why she has plenty of times)
It really infuriates me when if she and I clash dh jumps in to defend her like she's a little girl, dd turns on the tears for good effect and I think to myself it's all so bloody false.
So AIBU and what should I do about it?

YABU I'm afraid. The time has long passed to sort things like this out. She's an adult now and you have no right to interfere in any of her relationships. I would agree with you not lying to your DH for her, but beyond that you have to accept that this is the way they are with each other and you might not like it but you have to deal with it. If you're very honest, are you a bit jealous of how close they are?

I think if you wsn't to change the dynamic then you need to stop contributing to it.
You talk about 'shattering his illusions' yet it is his illusions that you are struggling with.
If she is manipulating him then I would insist on greater honesty and would not be complicite in her lying.
There is an extent to which you are treating her like a child to by not calling her on it and making her accept the consequences of her behaviour.

Or you need to recognise that there are advantages to the way the three of you interact differently and just accept that it is annoying. It depends doesn't it. Do you like that she tells you more than him even though it annoys you.

Out of interest why do you allow your dh to think she is a virgin?

Not jealous that they are close because in fact they aren't really because dh knows nothing of dd's life and hasn't since she got to be a teen because she hasn't been able to be honest with him.
I do get the worst side from dd and dh because dh is over protective so I get tears from dd over that and I also get from dh that dd could never do anything wrong so if I pull dd up over something (rarely because she is great usually) dh automatically assumes I am in the wrong.

It wouldn't have occurred to me as a child that I might tell one parent something and that it would be concealed from the other one.

All the situations I know of among friends and family where the children were allowed to do this, playing one parent off against the other and coming between their parents by asking them to lie, have ended with great unhappiness and the parents either breaking up or there being big problems in the marriage.

Tell your DH the truth.

I don't think I allow dh to think that she is a virgin although he undoubtedly does. He knows of the boyfriend so I would have thought that at 18 he would expect it is a sexual relationship but either he doesn't or he does and wouldn't acknowledge it.

In that case I agree with Pagwatch, you need to stop contributing to the dynamic. People develop roles in relation to each other and it sounds like your role is as a sort of go-between between the two of them. You need to step out of that role and let them deal with the fallout themselves. However I would reiterate that you shouldn't directly interfere in their relationship as they would probably just blame you for any problems rather than sorting it out themselves. Basically next time DD comes crying just explain to her how you feel - that she's not honest with him and that it gets to you. See what she says. Equally I think you're well within your rights to ask your DH to stop undermining you. However, overall I would say that DD is an adult so the relationship should now be moving on from parents having a go about behaviour to adults have a discussion about different situations so the fighting/taking sides scenario should really be dying out.

It is absolutely your place to shatter his illusions. Your DD is an adult and he needs to realise this. You say it infuriates you when he jumps in to defend her in an argument, but then you also admit you collude in allowing him to believe that she is still a little girl. You need to be much firmer and stop allowing this unhealthy dynamic to persist. Tell your DD you will no longer cover up for her, but be sure that you back her to the hilt if your DH takes issue. She is an adult FFS, why are you all pretending that she doesn't have a perfect right to have sex with her boyfriends if she wants to?

Oh and do you not talk to your DH about your DD? I'm surprised that you haven't had a discussion about the whole sex thing already.

Your husband sounds incredibly naive and gullible to be honest.

But how have you not talked about it?

Dh and I have had many conversations about ds1 because we were both responsible for his health and well being. We talked about contraception, his relationship and any concerns we have.

Do you not have those conversations about your dd - in particular when she was 16/17?

I don't conceal what dd tells me. Dh accepts without question what dd says. I would like dd just to be honest with dh too and I think then dh would find it easier to see that she is an adult now.
I'll talk to her about it and ask if she would like me to tell dh although when I have suggested that in the past she has been horrified who knows maybe she is ready now?

I never discussed my sex life with my Dad.. nor did I really discuss it much with my Mum either, it was none of their business. But I did tell them where I was going to be and not lie about it to one of them with the other expected to cover up.

YANBU at all, he does need to wake up and realise she is not his "little girl" any more.

A couple of years ago I asked my dad to keep a secret from my mum (a very innocent one, I should say - I was getting married and wanted her to stop stressing so asked dad to keep quiet that I was having a minor problem with something). Dad wad very hurt and said seriously that he could not keep a secret from his wife. At the time I thought he was taking it a bit far, but I see his point and think you maybe should say something of the same kind - you're married to your DH, you should not be expected to keep secrets from him for another adult.

Yes dd and I spoke about sex relationships and contraception dh knows I did. He knows that she takes the pill (before current boyfriend her first sexual relationship) it's more he doesn't join the dots so to speak.
I don't know why it's turned out how it has, it suits them both too much to alter I suppose.

If dh asked me I wouldn't lie and dd knows that. I don't feel though that it should be me who tells him and I have and still encourage dd to tell him although I do know exactly why she hasn't.
They are both lovely just not very good at being open with each other.

I think he is in denial. He surely cant beleive that an 18yo with a boyfriend does not have a sex life!

She doesnt need to be open with him to that extent. Very few daughters would want to discuss their sex life with their father. But he ought to know where she is, not be told lies.

I am really not having a go at you but your op is about how you dislike the dynamic but you don't really see that it is equally you who has created it.

When ds had his first fairly serious girlfriend, actually I think before then, we had conversations about whether we thought he was ready fir sex, did he know enough, did we need to talk to him etc etc. We talk now about is he happy, what if she got pregnant, is he too young to be this serious. It is ongoing.

If you are not engaging with your dh about the sexual health/relationships/emotional well being of your dd when she is is 15/16/17 then you are allowing him to shut his eyes and ignore that she is becoming an adult.

I stress again - that may suit you. But this dynamic is not their choice against your wishes. You chose it too.

You could change it by saying 'so what do you think about this boyfriend, do you think it is serious, what if she got pregnant - how would they handle that, what do you think. Do you think she is happy?'

Honest. Not having a go. But you talk as if you can't change it but you helped create it so of course you can change it. Perhaps you need to just accept that on some level it does suit you

You have allowed her to get in-between you. When a man believes his daughter over his wife then something is seriously wrong.

It does seem to be a quite strange relationship between the op and her dh. Surely 2 adults who live in the same home and parent the same children would know where one of those children is for the weekend?

The op needs to reassess her marriage before thinking about the father-daughter relationship.

So you've never had a discussion with your DH about your daughter and her boyfriend?

I do speak openly about dd's boyfriend to dh only this week he was moaning that they see an awful lot of each other. I said at the time she is in love, she is 18 what do you expect? Dh is somebody though unless it is spelled out in words of one syllable he won't see the bigger picture or he'll only see what he wants to see.

I don't think it is awful or sinister. I think it is habit. I think there is an atmosphere that dad won't cope with the terriblevtruth and both op and her dd are complicite because they both love him. And it suits DD

But it is treating him like a child and secrets are never healthy.

Wow, their relationship sounds very unhealthy! Blind adoration is more about him than her and won't have done her any favours (to put it mildly). It all looks a bit sticky to me tbh, particularly if he automatically defends and sides with her over you. That's not right, you are his wife, she isn't.

He comes to our house, he's not hidden away or not spoken of. It's slightly complicated in that the boy in question is a boy dd worshipped at school and he was a bit of a lad and that has jaded dh's opinion of him. Although now he's grown up a lot and he is lovely although I don't think dh would say the same purely on how he was years ago.