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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with 'best friend.'

15 replies

clare458 · 28/10/2011 22:03

I have known my best friend for about 12 years. She's got 3 kids and I have 4. We see a lot of each other and all of our dc get on really well together and our dh's are friends too.
A couple of years ago she suggested that instead of buying Christmas presents for each others dc, we'd stop and just buy birthday presents as it was getting too expensive. I understood completely and agreed.
However she has, in the last year or so become quite friendly with another mum from her dc's school, she let slip that she didn't know what to get this woman's daughters for Christmas and this woman's friends 2 kids. I was a bit surprised but didn't say anything. AIBU to be a little offended?

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 28/10/2011 22:06

Yabu because she has made an arrangement with you, but that doesn't have to apply to all her other friends.

Did you stop buying for all your other friend's dc as soon as you agreed to no presents with her?

Bangtastic · 28/10/2011 22:07

I'm sure she will have the same no presents agreement with this new friend by next year. Probably just a 'keeping up appearances' type thing to please new friend. I wouldn't be offended.

pictish · 28/10/2011 22:09

Yabu. If she stays good pals with this woman, it'll be the same arrangement soon enough.

I have the same set up with my best fellow mum pal too.

scottishmummy · 28/10/2011 22:09

Do you feel negected or overlooked in preference of new pal. Sure that's got an ouch factor.does she still see you adequately - don't know what to advise.depends if you have stomach for bringing it up

tigermoth · 28/10/2011 22:12

I can see why you're a bit taken aback as the original suggestion to not buy Christmas presents came from her, not you. I guess she feels it's all ok as you agreed to it.
She might be buying for the new friend's children because she feels she can't get out of it as she doesn't know the friend well enough.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 28/10/2011 22:12

she didn't make the agreement with them did she?

this all sounds a bit 8 year old stuff TBH. be confident enough in your own relationship with her and you wont feel threatened by her relationships with others.

twinklytroll · 28/10/2011 22:13

You are being very unreasonable and childish.

Original poster
clare458 · 28/10/2011 22:17

Thanks for your replies. I do feel she is trying to keep up with the new friend. I certainly don't feel she has a preference or anything like that.
I forgot to mention that she had made the 'not buying xmas presents' to a few others and then has started buying for new friends kids. I was happy to stick with birthdays only, because when she suggested it I didn't really feel I could say no because it is an expensive time of year and didn't want to if she was struggling to fund it!

OP posts:
SandStorm · 28/10/2011 22:17

You can't buy friendship. Let it go.

emsyj · 28/10/2011 22:17

We don't buy Christmas or birthday presents for our closest friends, but do buy for some other people just out of reciprocation really - so YABU but can see why you would be upset. Don't be though. It's not an indicator that this other family is more important - it's just social politics.

I don't even know when my closest female friend's birthday is Blush (altho know the month) and have never even bought her a card. I would still (and have done in the past) ring her at 2am an emergency, and she is still the first person I told that I was pregnant (before my mum/sister/family). On the other hand I have other friends that I am in the habit of buying gifts for because they buy for me etc and it's hard to get out of this stuff.

Tis better to agree 'only for the kids' gifts, which is what we do wherever possible!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 28/10/2011 22:19

I would say don't concentrate on what she is doing with her other friend- just be thankful that you have 3 fewer Christmas presents to buy!!

A group of us did this- we agreed to buy for birthdays but not Christmas. However, with my other friends we often ignore birthdays and just buy for christmas (gets complicated remembering lots of birthdays!) It's possible she doesn't buy for other friend's dds birthdays. Birthdays are a more personal thing, so of the two, I think buying for birthdays shows more of a "connection" with the dcs, iyswim.

Or is your wondering about this down to the fact that you have 4 dc and your friend has only 3, whereas her new friend only has 2? Are you thinking it is about buy-2-get-3 as opposed to buy-4-get-3?? (Although I find it hard to believe people would actually think like this)

scottishmummy · 28/10/2011 22:19

I kind of get the ouch factor emotions aren't sensible
Yes realistically you should be nonplussed,but emotionally I see why it feels ouch. Maintain the friendship but don't feel territorial or set. Self up for angst

banana87 · 28/10/2011 22:20

She probably would spend a lot less on her new friends DC than she would on yours, which is probably why she suggested the arrangement to begin with.

I spend about £10 on my friends DC, but more like £30 each on my best friends DC.

In any case, YABU, the rules she has with you won't necessarily be the same with all her friends, and there is nothing wrong with that.

BluddyMoFo · 28/10/2011 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maighdlin · 29/10/2011 00:34

YABU i have friends with whom i have a "no gift" arrangement. they are my closest friends and know my financial situation and we can talk frankly. however at xmas i will buy stuff for other people who i don't feel i can say "i can't afford to buy you presents" and because nothing is said otherwise they buy me gifts and then i have to buy them something. I would love to have a zero presents xmas

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