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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I am a crap mum because I should have noticed this about ds myself.

27 replies

ChooChooWowWow · 28/10/2011 15:38

My ds (11) has always been rubbish at any kind of sport. He can trip over thin air and regulary falls off his bike for no obvious reason. We just assumed he was a clumsy child. He has suffered in his friendship groups because of this and doesn't have a lot of confidence.
A few months ago we persuaded him to start at a Karate class. We thought it might help boost his confidence. He eventually agreed and does enjoy going. As usual though he really is bad at it.
Three weeks ago his instructor took dh to one side. He said ds poor balance and lack of co-ordination is not normal and in his opinion we should get him checked by a doctor.
We took him to our doctor who found an unusual flicker in ds eyes and agreed he has some kind of inner ear disorder. We are seeing a specialist the week after next.

I feel terrible. I can't believe we just thought he was clumsy. I have no idea if these disorders are serious or what the treatment is.

I just wish we had got him checked ourselves Sad

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/10/2011 15:40

Don't beat yourself up, it's hopefully going to get sorted now & well done on the instructor for voicing his concerns. Remember there is no such thing as perfect parents!!!

MaureenMLove · 28/10/2011 15:43

But if you didn't know this condition existed, then how could you have known DS had it?

Don't beat yourself up about it. The fact is, all the professionals and other child care experts that have been in your DS's life for the last 11 years, didn't mention or notice it either.

The important thing, is that you have taken on board, what the Karate teacher has said and acted upon it immediately.

Unlike one of my ex-friends, who has been in denial about a problem her son has and has been advised about it, by many people, for 8 years!

Good luck. Smile

ifitsnotanarse · 28/10/2011 15:43

YABU. Sometimes it takes an outsider to see things. Don't beat yourself up and hope things work out with the specialist.

Gonzo33 · 28/10/2011 15:44

Sometimes us parents cannot see the wood for the trees. At least now it has been recognised and the GP can do something about it.

HandMini · 28/10/2011 15:50

You're concerned for your son's wellbeing. You've encouraged him to do an activity which he now enjoys and is getting into and will do wonders for his confidence. You're involved and interested in his life. You're clearly a great mum and you should feel proud of yourself, and not let this issue (which you're sensibly taking on board and acting upon) throw you off course. Good luck with the check ups.

MrsTwinks · 28/10/2011 15:50

really dont beat yourself up, its hard to notice these things and even if you had, the doctor may have turned arround and told you he was just clumsy unless you had had the "independant" back up of the Karate teacher.

My mum took me to the doctors 'cos she saw I was Pigeon toed when I was about 7, doctors said she was imagining it, at 27 they agree I am. In that case a specialist thought it was all ok, sometimes these things get missed iyswim. You are not a bad Mum 'cos of it.

ModreB · 28/10/2011 16:04

You are not a bad mum. When you live with a child day after day, it becomes routine and you think "Oh, that's just the way they are" It sometimes takes someone from the outside looking in to notice that things are unusual.

If you had ignored the Karate teachers concerns, then this is different. But you didn't ignore him, took your DS to the Dr and he will now get treatment.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MUM

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 28/10/2011 16:07

ChooChooWowWow like others have said, please don't beat yourself up. Every child is different. The good thing is, the problem will now be investigated.

I'm interested as to whether you yourself can see the 'flicker' in his eyes? I have sons with eye problems so I'm always nosey about such things, sorry. You don't have to answer.

I never noticed both my sons had problems until it was pointed out to me by a Health Visitor when they were 2 months old. Even though I'd had my daughter (no problems), I didn't latch onto the fact that my twins showed no interest in toys, didn't smile or make eye contact with me! Turns out they have an eyesight problem (which, of course is totally different to an inner ear problem)

Arrrrrgh, I'm trying not to worry you further. You sound like a good mum who has had a bit of a shock. I hope you get some answers from the specialist. Good luck.

slavetofilofax · 28/10/2011 16:08

You are not a crap Mum at all. You have been with your ds every day of his life and have grown used to the way he is, so of course it is going to be harder for you to see these things.

ghoulionine · 28/10/2011 16:09

YABU sometimes when we see the same recuring thing as parent, we just see it as normal, part of who our child is. I am pretty sure you are not the first parent who has needed an "outsider" to point at a something that was stareing them in the face.

I agree with the majority saying you are NOT a bad mum.

MrsSnaplegs · 28/10/2011 16:09

You are not a bad mum
I have only just been diagnosed with irlen Meyers syndrome at 38 which explains why I never did as well as I could at school and had balance issues all my life
Not even my consultant knew about this explanation for some of my symptoms which had previously been attributed as "part of living with CFS "
Don't blame yourself , you are getting help now and that is the important thingGrin

HannahHack · 28/10/2011 16:14

Don't worry, my cousin used to walk around on her toes all the time and the family decided it was because she was "highly strung". Turns out she had problems with the tendons in her ankles and all kinds of other congenital bone system problems!
Her parents felt REALLY bad.

Honestly though the fact that you tried to improve his balance and then he was diagnosed means something you did has meant he has a chance of getting better.

ToxicMoxie · 28/10/2011 16:17

You're not a crap mum! My parents thought I was just uncoordinated and a terrible sports player too, It wasn't until I was about 14 and a friend noticed I was in front of class squinting, and SHE suggested to ME that I get my eyes checked. Then we discovered that I was near-sided with an astigmatism which is why I couldn't catch anything, but was a great reader.
It happens that parents miss stuff, but it doesn't mean your a bad parent.

StellaAndFries · 28/10/2011 16:20

Your not crap at all, we thought dd1 was very clumsy as she was always tripping over things it wasn't until she was 5 that she had another eye test which showed that she had no depth perception and was very shortsighted. If she hadn't have already been under the hospital's care for another eye problem we wouldn't have realised.

Original poster
ChooChooWowWow · 28/10/2011 16:53

Oh thank you everyone.
Talesof the Unexpected we can't see the flicker.

ToxicMoxie* That is interesting, ds has always been years ahead in his reading levels.

OP posts:
slapmeonthepatio · 28/10/2011 16:55

I imagine you don't see quite so many children balancing as the Karate instructor so you wouldn't know your DS was unusual compared with other children his age. We all get used to things our DCs do and just accept it as they way they are. Like someone else said, you can't be blamed for not noticing something you didn't know existed.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/10/2011 17:00

I thought DS1 was a bit clumsy until I took him to see an OT age 7 as his handwriting wasn't very good. When she showed me how he was struggling with everyday movements because of retained reflexes I could have cried for him. God did I feel rubbish.

However, after a while I recognised that often teachers etc spot these things because they have a huge reference pool to draw on as they have dealt with hundreds of children so have a much better idea of what is normal especially if its your first child and so you have no comparators and maybe no experience of children of that age.

chipmonkey · 28/10/2011 17:28

OP, most of us only have experience of our own children and at that, I think sometimes you need to see your own children side by side with other children to realise that they are different. FWIW, ds1 has ADD and I suspect that it mostly stems from auditory processing disorder. It is not obvious all the time but when I watched a video of his class Holy Communion when he was 7, I realised how much worse he was at paying attention than the other children. They were all following instructions and he was sitting there doing his own thing!

Hassled · 28/10/2011 17:33

When DS2 was nearly 5, his teacher pulled me to one side to say we should think about a referral to someone like an Occupational Therapist. I looked blankly at her and said "Why?". "Because he falls over all the time and walks on tiptoes".

On the way home that day he fell over 4 times. And I realised that he always did. It had become completely normal to me to the extent that I didn't notice or question it - it was just what DS2 did. Turns out he's quite severely Dyspraxic.

The point of this is to tell you that parents don't always notice this stuff - bear in mind I have 2 older DCs, so I had yardsticks, and I still didn't see it. Some kids are just clumsy. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

activate · 28/10/2011 17:35

sounds like my nephew who had some kind of flicker in his eye which stopped him learning to read - he was given eye exercises to do regularly and it made a huge difference

and how would you know? stop kicking yourself and focus on what to do now

CailinDana · 28/10/2011 17:38

As a parent you very rarely look closely at your child for long periods of time, only teachers and doctors do this really. It sounds like your son's condition is something that you would only notice from examining him closely in the way the instructor did. I doubt any parent would have picked it up. Stop beating yourself up!

stressheaderic · 28/10/2011 17:41

Took the Health Visitor to point out that DD had a severe squint. I really hadn't noticed, and I'm grateful that she did, as we've been able to have it corrected in time.
You sound like a great mum, OP.

WilsonFrickett · 28/10/2011 17:46

Bad mum? I know a woman who has - funnily enough on the advice from a karate teacher's mate - decided that her child has autism, but she CBA getting a diagnosis. She'll ask the karate teacher's mate what to do next time she sees him, but thinks an organic diet should sort it out. She fails to see that the benefits of the organic diet are may be cancelled out by the constant clouds of cigarette smoke in the house - which incidentally, don't affect the DCs asthma at all.

I really, really, really don't think you're a bad mum.

(although I'm wondering if its the same karate teacher, like a sort of karate child-diagnosing ninja?)

spookygarlic · 28/10/2011 17:52

Don't let being perfect get in the way of being good enough.

Don't forget that you see your DS every day and to you, it's just the way he is, it sometimes does take somebody from outside the family to notice.

Original poster
ChooChooWowWow · 28/10/2011 17:57

Grin at karate child-diagnosing ninja

Funnily enough I was telling a mum at school and she instantly said "was it who teaches at *. It was.

OP posts:
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