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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is it good manners to invite someone you know to join you if you are at a soft play place?

53 replies

deaconblue · 28/10/2011 13:27

Took the dcs to a soft play place this morning. Was really busy so I sat down on the edge of someone else's table (obviously asked first if this was ok). Later on I noticed my friend's dd so I got up and looked for my friend. Was surprised when she said "I saw you walk up and down a couple of times" and then didn't invite me to join her and her friend. So I chatted for a couple of mins and went to sit back down on my own again.
This isn't a close friend, she's someone I see at a weekly coffee morning but there are only 4 of us who meet so it's not like we don't know each other. Thought it was really a bit rude and made me feel a bit crappy. If I saw someone I knew I would have called over and asked them if they wanted to join me.

OP posts:
JamieComeHome · 28/10/2011 16:48

Maybe she knew she wasn't going to invite you over, so took the cowards way by not even saying hello at first. Even if this is true, I don't think you've got enough evidence to assume this is a personal slight

JamieComeHome · 28/10/2011 16:49

and I don't think she was rude not to invite you over, as I said before

JamieComeHome · 28/10/2011 16:52

I am wondering if you are feeling a bit lonely and sensitive OP - I only ask because I was like this when my DSs were small. Now I'd love to be left alone .....

Ignore if this is irrelevant

suburbandream · 28/10/2011 16:53

I don't think she was being deliberately rude - she was clearly there with someone else, presumably had made arrangements to meet there and chat. Maybe they were talking about something personal. Don't feel snubbed about it.

Everlong · 28/10/2011 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrBloomsNursery · 28/10/2011 16:58

I think it is rude, when you know someone from somewhere, and you don't acknowledge them if you are with someone else. So OP is only worth talking to when the other woman has no one else to talk to, like on the coffee morning? The other woman saw that OP was alone. She could have at least offered her to come over? Are there no manners left in this world?

JamieComeHome · 28/10/2011 17:04

I am very well-mannered, but I can see how this happened. If I were the friend I would have said hello, but if I really wanted to be with my other friend (for the reasons listed in other posts), I wouldn't invite over. And if it happened to be I'd understand. In fact it has happened to me and I haven't taken it personally.

So it's not as simple as manners/no manners. IMO

JamieComeHome · 28/10/2011 17:04

Ssorry "if it happened to me I'd understand

Original poster
deaconblue · 28/10/2011 17:10

Not lonely but soft play is boring so when I saw her I was really pleased, thinking it would be nice to have a chat, felt a bit of a loser sitting on my own afterwards.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 28/10/2011 17:44

YANBU for her to say hello and make some polite conversation, its rude just to ignore you. YABU for her to invite you over to sit with her, she might just want to be with her friend and to catch up on stuff and not want an extra person there, its her perogative.

Firawla · 28/10/2011 17:47

it would have been nice to say hello, bit rude to ignore but tbh you cant expect to go and sit there as she was with her other friend & you dont know the other friend. if she invited you to sit then thats nice but its not rude not to. rude to totally ignore though yes

mamseul · 28/10/2011 17:54

YANBU in my opinion. I always try to be as inclusive as poss wherever I go and try to encourage dcs likewise. I make more of an effort with this since they came along because I see all the hurt that playground cliques cause and I'm afraid I see mums on the school run setting a very poor example. And I would never try to have a personal chat in a soft play barn...

MrsStephenFry · 28/10/2011 17:56

So whenever you see someone you vaguely know you are meant to invite them to join you even if you ars with someone else?

Fuck me, heard it all now.

CalmaLlamaDown · 28/10/2011 17:56

Take a book next time to help pass the time?

mamseul · 28/10/2011 17:58

If I'm on speaking terms with someone then yes I would invite them to join me with others in a public place.

Swankyswishing · 28/10/2011 18:03

I would do the same mamseul; like you, I have seen playground cliques causing all sorts of upset and hurt feelings, and if it's someone I know and like, then I'd definitely invite them over.

And also, like you say, play barns aren't really the place for personal, intimate, conversations.

turkeyboots · 28/10/2011 18:06

I'd find that rude. But I'm not British and don't get how anyone here ever makes friends with anyone they didn't go to school with.

MrsStephenFry · 28/10/2011 18:11

So if you are in the pub with friends and you see someone from toddler group you should invite them to join you? What if you are having dinner with your family, you should ask a passing acquaintance to draw up a seat and share your starter?

PigletJohn · 28/10/2011 18:14

perhaps she was having a secret assignation.

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 18:16

She should have smiled and said hello when she saw you BUT she was totally reasonable to not invite you over. She was there with a friend. Have you invited yourself over before? If so that could be why she didn't say hi.

You have no idea what they were talking about, how often they get to see each other etc. I wouldn't want to make small talk with someone I see at a weekly coffee morning if I'd eg arranged to meet my best friend to give her emotional support or was discussing personal medical stuff.

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 18:20

It could be the only way for them to have a personal chat - when little ears aren't lurking and the DC are happily entertained flinging balls at each other.

Dancergirl · 28/10/2011 18:22

YABU

I don't get this whole mums socialising thing going on at soft play places. The whole point is for your child to play and have fun. You want to see your friends? Make an arrangement to see them then. And I think you can do better than at a soft play....

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 18:24

Give her a chance. If she's fine with you next time it was a special circumstances thing. If she's like this again then she's not worth wasting your time on.

I am quite impressed that people can have conversations in softplay. Mine is usually full of people running around trying to stop their children hurting themselves or others and glassy eyed parents, sitting alone, zoning out the screams and rocking gently.

Original poster
deaconblue · 28/10/2011 18:24

gosh no, I would never invite myself over, now that would be rude. I, like some other posters have said, always try to be friendly to people and hate the playground cliques. Maybe they were in the middle of an important conversation but it certainly didn't seem so. Anyway it's the lack of a hello when she had seen me before I saw her that I think is inexcusably rude, the lack of invitation less so. I am a nice person, honest, I like to think most people I know would be pleased to bump into me :)

OP posts:
MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 28/10/2011 18:48

Hopefully it was a one off. If it wasn't, she doesn't deserve your company. I can appreciate you must have felt really awkward and embarrassed.