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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to put off trying for dc no 2 until i'm 37?

25 replies

audibleclock · 28/10/2011 11:33

have name-changed for privacy

turned 36 yesterday and it's really got me thinking. have a lovely ds, aged 2.5, who was conceived in first month of trying. dh and i both want a 2nd child, but i have just started a new job. dh really wants us to start trying for no 2 in jan, but i would rather be in the new job for 12 months before trying.

i know i shouldn't count on conceiving no 2 as easily as no 1, and that miscarriage risks increase with age, but aibu to wait until i'm 37 to start for no 2, or should i be more wary of the biological clock and start now to avoid risks?

OP posts:

MoaninMinny · 28/10/2011 11:36

its up to you

why ask a load of strangers & nutters on the tinterweb

motherinferior · 28/10/2011 11:36

Well, lots of people will warn you that you will be so very old that your entire body will have seized up and in the unlikely event that you are able to defy all gynaecological odds and conceive, you will be far far far too old to enjoy your baby and that in any case you will have Sacrificed your Chance Of Happiness On The Altar Of Your Career.

Or alternatively, you could just see how it goes. Took me six months to conceive DD2 at 39.

wonkylegs · 28/10/2011 11:40

I know exactly where you are coming from and DH & I had an argument about this very topic last night... It didn't start out as an argument but emotions run high with this kind of thing I guess. I don't think there is an easy answer. You probably need to try to sit down together and discuss rationally and emotionally how you feel and take a break if it becomes too difficult to discuss and come back to it after a calming cup of tea or the like.
Ha I'm rubbish at this hence the blow up argument but our PFB is a bit older than yours and I have medical issues to consider as well so sometimes it just gets to me
You will figure it out sooner or later and whatever happens will hopefully work for you both and that's all that matters

Trills · 28/10/2011 11:42

The longer you leave it (at any age) the greater a chance there is that it might not happen.

So you have to balance your desire for the correct circumstances against whether you would blame yourself if you waited and then ended up not having another one at all.

YANBU to wait, but YwouldBU to wait without considering the possibilities.

margerykemp · 28/10/2011 11:44

once you're over 35 I think you have to just go for it, as it may never happen at all.

KatAndKit · 28/10/2011 11:45

37 isn't really that old. Lots of people have kids at that age. There is quite a difference between 37 and 45! I think it is a good idea to get settled in your new job. Being there over a year might make a big difference to any enhanced maternity pay your company might offer.
It may take you longer to conceive or it may not. There is a lot of luck involved in it really. If you aren't ready to have another baby yet then wait. Could you meet in the middle and start trying in the middle of next year rather than the beginning?

madeindevon2 · 28/10/2011 11:52

YANBU i did very similar to you. in fact last year i wasnt even sure about prospect of a DC2 but now im 38 and 24 weeks pregnant with DS2. i was made redundant after having ds1 and started new job when he was 14 months old so i wanted to establish myself first. i have no regrets. ds at school now.

madeindevon2 · 28/10/2011 11:54

meant to say i wondered whether woudl happen at all given all the scaremongering about age etc. however i fell within 3 months at the grand old age of 39 ;-)
are you otherwise fit healthy or normalish weight?

madeindevon2 · 28/10/2011 11:54

38 not 39

SarahBumBarer · 28/10/2011 11:56

I guess the key question would be how would you and DH feel if you waited and it didn't happen? Would you regret waiting or would you wish you had tried sooner and perhaps given yourself more time/options? How does that compare to what your feelings would be if you do get preganant now - ie would you be resentful?

YANBU though to consider not just rushing into it for the sake of it.

[37 and pregnant with #2]

Original poster

audibleclock · 28/10/2011 12:39

oh oh oh, it's so bloody difficult. thank you for your thoughtful replies, it's interesting to hear how other people respond to the ticking clock dilemma.

i think, if in twenty years' time, we didn't have a second child, i would feel my family was incomplete, and regret it. so i guess therein lies my answer.

but i do know loads of women who have conceived relatively easily at 37, 38, and 39. the problem is that each woman's fertility follows its own trajectory, and you just can't know when yours is going to take a massive dip, can you?

OP posts:

KatAndKit · 28/10/2011 13:00

You can't know, you are right about that. But you don't become infertile overnight. It is a slow process. So it might take you longer possibly but it probably won't become impossible between now and next year. There are never any guarantees. You just have to do what works best for you and your family. Remember obviously the pregnancy takes 9 months so you would have 8 months in your new job after you get pregnant.

I still say that if you aren't ready yet then wait a bit. Maybe not a whole year if you are worried about the ticking clock.

akaemwahahahafrost · 28/10/2011 13:06

Well we started trying for ds at when I was 30 and was pregnant within four months. Started trying for dd at age 35 and it took over a year......

But everyone is different, obviously. However knowing what I know now I wouldn't wait if I were you.

SootySweepandSue · 28/10/2011 13:13

I think you may be able to pay for a private scan to check how fertile you are (saw this on tv!). But to be honest I would think that most fertility experts would say start trying now just to err on the side of caution.

I'm 34 and trying for DC2. I had 1 MC before DD and I'm now of the opinion that is best not to assume that things will be plain sailing the 1st time. I also have 2 friends who have had terminations due to fetal abnormalities both at 36, plus another friend who lost their only DS to a genetic illness before he was 1 - they are 38/39. All of these events have been quite earth-shattering.

You have to give yourself the BEST chance of having the life you want, so with children that means start early and give yourself plenty of time.

Bumpsadaisie · 28/10/2011 13:20

No one knows the answer to this. My DD is 2.5 and I am just 37.

Am 41 weeks with no.2 conceived in Jan when I was 36.

DD was first cycle, this one second cycle. I can't think waiting an extra year would make a huge difference, but then what do I know!

RedHelenB · 28/10/2011 13:35

Both dds conceived within 2 months of ttc but ds took over 2 years with a m/c a year before I got pg with him at 36.

Personally,iF HAVING ANOTHER BABY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO YOU OVERALL i WOULDN'T WAIT COS IT COULD WELL BE A YEAR OR MORE ANYWAY.

smellimelli · 28/10/2011 14:31

I conceived DD1 at 35 after 3 months TTC and DC2 at 36 (will be 37 when born) after a month of TTC. We were told by lots of people that DC2 would take longer to conceive and there was more risk of m/c so we didn't want to wait too long.

I know we have been really lucky and for every positive story like mine there must be others that have had no success (if that's the right word!). I am thankful everyday as I know my life/career choices meant that I left motherhood until "late" and I was concerned about fertility. However, I was at that age, had made choices and reconciled myself to if it happened, it happened, if not it didn't IYSWIM.

You need to weigh up what's most important to you. How would you feel if you couldn't conceive again or if it took a long time? Lots of people here will have lots of different advice/examples but at the end of the day it's what you and your family want and can live with.

HerdOfTinyElephants · 28/10/2011 14:36

You could split the difference so that you start trying next summer and will have been in the job at least a year whole year before you tell them you're pregnant (unless it's something with toxic chemicals where you have to tell them right away)?

harassedandherbug · 28/10/2011 14:36

I'm 41 and 32wks preg.

I had dd at 36 and to my surprise got a bfp the first month of trying (I also have two much older ds's). Started ttc in June last year and took 6 months. I then had a mmc, fell preg 2 mths later, mc'd and then got preg immediately..... Emotionally it's been a roller coaster, and I'll only be happy when ds3 arrives.

As you get older the risks increase, you may not get preg, you may miscarry etc, so only you can weigh up the risks.

But YANBU to think about it!

mousesma · 28/10/2011 14:41

It's always a gamble waiting it to start trying to conceive if your over 35 and like others have said if you desperately want a nsecond child it's best not to delay.
I had DD when I was 35 and won't be trying to conceive again until 38 at least because there is no way I can afford 2 pre-schoolers in childcare. I accept this may mean that I never have a second child but you can only do as circumstances permit.

Shakey1500 · 28/10/2011 14:50

Aside from a work stance etc, I think it's important to consider your general health. Are you fit and healthy? How do you find looking after your 2.5 year old in the tiredness stakes?

I say this as I had my ds at the age of 38 and was taken aback at how exhausted I felt. Obviously this is my body and it's workings but I was in good general heath and expected it to be easier. I'm 42 now and it's not easy to ignore the younger mums who seem to have boundless energy when I can barely get off the settee

Angel786 · 28/10/2011 15:08

Go for it now if you def want it. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? I'm also considering ttc a second. Am 32 but took 10 months for dd so am prepared for the waiting game.

golemmings · 28/10/2011 15:24

Go for it. Took me 2 years to conceive DD at 34 and 3 attempts to conceive DS at 36. Found being pregnant with a toddler knackering though. Not sure how much of that was having a toddler. being 2 years older or being much less fit than when I conceived DD because the toddler meant I didn't have time to train etc.

Pinkiemum · 28/10/2011 18:46

It is not only your fertility you have to worry about, after trying for over a year for our second it turned out my husband was the one with fertility issues, I still cannot believe the expression on my Gynaecologists face when he was told I was pregnant he really did not believe it was possible made me have a scan at five weeks to confirm that all was well.

Hopefully my miracle baby will come in the next couple of days ( I am due tomorrow), I am 39 and have found this pregancy a lot harder than my first nearly four years ago, not just beacause I have a small child but have suffered a lot with back pain and extreme tiredness.

Saying that, you have to want to have the baby and be happy in your life and situation, we put off trying for our second because we relocated to a new country and I wanted to be settled in my new job and our new life.

Goodluck

Aislingorla · 28/10/2011 18:52

Intreresting !

A few weeks ago a poster asked AIBU to put off having a baby until I'm 45?
Which is unadvisable. The general medical advice is to try and have your babies by 35 (thereabouts) ,so, no, I don't think you ABU at all. In contrast to some of the women on THAT thread you're virtually a teen!

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