AIBU about contact timings

[watchoutforthatsnail]

Ex husband is currently being an idiot of the highest order because our divorce has actually got started. Where as before we were co parenting really well, its all gone to pot.

He Picked DD up yesterday and we agreed he was to bring her back 4PM sunday.
Last night, at gone 9pm, i got a text saying ' I am keeping her until 7pm sunday because im taking her trick or treating'

I said no, she is 5, its a school night and her bed time is 7pm. She is one of those children who need their sleep, shes often asking to go to bed at 6:30pm. Its the first day back after half term.

He ended up going balistic at me, calling me names, being abusive.

I dont think im being Unreasonable. I cancelled my plans so he could collect her ysterday afternoon, he wasnt going to have her at all this weekend. So i changed all that around to suit him, cancelled people who had taken annual leave to spend a day with her, because he suddently decided he was going to take a day off to spend with her.

AIBU to put my foot down and say no, she needs to be back at 4:30pm.
I know she is at a halloween party tonight and he is taking her tick or treating saturday night ( i dont agree with this, but i know thats a moot point)
he lives an hour and 20 miins drive away. So even if he wanted to take her sunday, they would still need to leave off at 5:10pm. She will need to have dinner then when she gets to me after7pm and still have a wash etc.... and then not be in bed till gone 8pm and be exhausted and vile for the start of the week.

AIBU as he says?

Hit this hard and fast, leave him in no doubt that if he starts this kind of nonsense he's gonig to get a blasting.

He's doing it to test the water, to see if he can control you. And it's your DD who will suffer.

You say you've started the divorce? Then you'll have a solicitor. Contact them, make a record of the abusive behaviour - names called, the fact that this may have happened in front of your DD. Then sort out getting a residence order straight away - if he's going to start messing around saying he's not bringing her back, this is reason to get a residence order which will enable you to call the police and have her returned if he does it again. Get your solicitor to send a letter warning him that abusive behaviour regarding contact will result in your taking the matter to court to ensure that your DD isn't exposed to confusing and aggressive behaviour when on contact with him, if he continues, the result for him will be supervised contact.

The above isn't about 'punishing' him - it's about making sure your DD doesn't get exposed to nastiness. This is what he's risking. At 5, she WILL pick up on heated phonecalls, being told by you that you'll see her at 4pm then Daddy suddenly telling her that she won't see Mummy til Sunday - this is EXACTLY the kind of stuff that's going to make her stressed, unhappy and make this transition more difficult for her. Don't let your ex start being an arse and doing this to her. Blast him with your solicitor, tell him EXACTLY WHY you're taking a no tolerance approach to this, tell him precisely how selfish and shite a father he's showing himself to be by taking this approach, and warn him that if he starts with this nonsense, all he's going to do is make his time with his DD fraught and unhappy FOR HER. He won't succeed in controlling you, he'll only succeed in jeopardising his relationship with his child.

Pick up the phone to your sol now.

I thought so.

Hes been doing this alot lately. Changing plans, getting cross at me when i say i wont, and they trying different tactics to get me to change them.

hes also taken to phoning all the time and then if i dont pick up, because we are out, or i didnt hear the phone, i get a lot of ' ffs, where are you, pick up the phone, ' messages.

Im going to wait until sunday to see what he does. IF he doesnt bring her back at the agreed time, the time which again he repeated and said when he picked up her yesterday then i will contact the solicitor and kick his arse.

I know why he is being like this, its because of the financial side of the divorce. The thing is, he is trying to get at me via DD. I refuse to let this happen.

last night, apart from telling me to ' get off my fat arse and take dd trick or treating myself' lord knows why, my arse is not fat and im not taking her because its not something i agree with and he is doing it this weekend'
he also told me he cant wait until dd is old enough and will chose to live with him. Which will never happen. She didnt want to go yesterday, she doesnt want to go about 50% of the time. Plus hes away 6 months of the year, so quite what he thinks hes going to do with her then?
I know its all tactics to scare me into things. to bully me.

why? we have been seperated for 3 years fgs.
Why does he talk to me like that, i dont understand.

also - does anyone know where i would stand on this issue

I found out the other week, that DD had been staying at somone elses house fot over 50% of the weekend she was meant to be with her dad. I dont know who this person is, i have never met them. I dont know where they live, or contact details.

He had gone out with his girlfriend so had dropped dd off after lunch and then picked her up after lunch the following day.

If i had of known that i would have wanted her to stay with me, her mother.
As the resident parent, do i have the right to know this information in advance, or is it as he says and what he does with her in his time is none of my business?