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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just not want to go?

26 replies

fuzzypicklehead · 27/10/2011 23:04

DH has just come off the phone with his friend and told me he's arranged for all of us (himself, me, and two DD's 2y and 3y and even the bleedin' dog) to go spend a long weekend at his friend's house. They're perfectly nice people and have a perfectly nice son. (although his friend's wife is a bit of a worrier in her efforts to be a good hostess)

To me this is a frickin nightmare. 5 hour car ride with two kids, to sleep 4-in-a-bed in someone else's house, kids routine shot, I won't be able to poo for days and no head space. I do quite enjoy hosting in my own house, though, because I can slip off to clear my head if I need to. (10 minutes online here and there or a quick walk down to the village shop will do).

DH and I have been down this route in the past (couples holiday on a canal boat, etc.) but he just doesn't seem to get that it's not my cup of tea to be in forced proximity to other people especially when it's not in my normal environment. To me it feels like added stress and effort instead of a relaxing weekend.

So now we've had a row about it because he saw that I wasn't thrilled and escalated into "un-fucking believable, why are you such an antisocial heinous bitch?" I feel bad because I know he really wants to go and will be disappointed if we don't but I will actually hate it if we do go. So it feels like my choices are
a) go along and try to cover up the stress/unhappiness.
b) not go and still be unhappy because my husband will be disappointed and think I'm a heinous bitch.

So AIB a heinous bitch to not want to accept this invitation? (Don't worry, I can take it. I won't huddle up in the corner and sob if you say I am. Not for too long anyway!)

OP posts:
NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 27/10/2011 23:06

Why won't you be able to poo?

squeakyfreakytoy · 27/10/2011 23:07

I can feel your pain.. I hate that sort of thing...

BUT..

On the rare occasions i have been dragged kicking and screaming gone on them, I have ended up having a fecking brilliant time...

You have to think, there are 4 of you in the family.. if 3 of them are going to actually enjoy it, then on this occasion, one has to endure it. GO, you will probably come back with memories of what a laugh it was... and if not, you will have a great AIBU thread to do on your return! Grin

Kayano · 27/10/2011 23:09

YABU if you wouldn't mind as long as it's at your house/ you are the host IMO

Give and take? Go and then offer to have them at yours next time?

said · 27/10/2011 23:11

YANBU. I would be really bloody annoyed at this type of thing being arranged without it being discussed first. Sometimes you do have to do stuff you'd rather not, I accept that. But to not discuss it first would really wind me up.

AgentZigzag · 27/10/2011 23:12

I'm totally unsociable, and have accepted it.

If my DH felt he couldn't, then he'd have to try and reconcile himself to that part of me, or fuck off.

What your DH is really saying is if you loved him you'd make yourself uncomfortable and have a shite time for him.

If he loved you, he wouldn't be calling you a 'heinous bitch' and trying to tantrum you into doing what he says.

If he wants to go, let him go on his own with the DC.

You're not a bitch, heinous or otherwise.

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 27/10/2011 23:12

The thing is, you're entitled to not enjoy this kind of thing, but he's entitled to enjoy it. He wants to see his friends, you don't. One of you is going to have to give in. Personally, unless he demands you go visiting people every weekend then I think it should be you. You have lots of weekends at home not visiting people. He just wants you to spend one weekend with another couple.

He was BU to say what he said to you, but if you never ever want to be around other people, apart from at your house, then I can kind of understand his point- but not the way he put it across.

Original poster
fuzzypicklehead · 27/10/2011 23:23

NoOne--Don't know why, really. My body just seems to hold everything in if I'm at work or really busy or at someone else's house. I get terrible tummy aches even after a long day at work because of trapped wind and whatnot.

It's true, I am quite outnumbered in this and the kids would probably like to go. I am mostly upset that it turned into a row so quickly, really. I feel like if he had just listened to my reservations and given me a chance to work through them I would have come 'round to the idea (but maybe minus the dog). Instead it went from "Do you really think it's a good idea?" to "That's it, we're not going, we can never do anything because you're a weird nasty person"

I wish he had asked me first, before agreeing to go.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 27/10/2011 23:28

He didn't ask cos' he knew you'd say no. Which is why the argument occured so quickly. Get the dads and kids to be out together and you and the wife of his mate go and chill out.

Original poster
fuzzypicklehead · 27/10/2011 23:30

I did suggest he take the girls without me, but we both know it wouldn't work out brilliantly. DD2 has just turned 2 and still bf's (though I'm trying to wean her) and wouldn't respond well to an overnight seperation.

I guess I just figured that we would do the travelling around thing when the kids were a bit older and maybe a bit more predictable. But that's probably just me making excuses really.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuzzypicklehead · 27/10/2011 23:34

See, the best thing he could have done was tell me by text or just run away afterwards. Then I could just have a big rant and get it out of my system and be more receptive by the time I caught up with him.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 27/10/2011 23:38

Ha ha - I actually understand that text thing. I feel like when my DP informs me about his parents coming to stay. When he just drops it on me he can see my face fall and then a row breaks out cos' I "obviously don't want them to stay".

But if he texted me I would have worked through the fury of the typical 1 day notice and having to rearrange my idle daydreams of a lazy weekend and I'd already have gotten the guest room prepared, bought in all the food that his father can eat without suffering from heartburn, got out the best silverware his mother gave us etc and thought of how DP repays me

AgentZigzag · 27/10/2011 23:43

Presuming you've not just become unsociable fuzzy, how have you managed to resolve the other times when he's wanted to go to places you're not keen on?

Is he like it with other stuff? (only asking out of interest rather than so I can say the immortal words of 'leave the bastard' Grin)

Original poster
fuzzypicklehead · 27/10/2011 23:45

Yes, I need to add that to my list of "handy hints for marital harmony" right between

-don't surprise your 7months pregnant wife with a puppy, and
-damnit put the milk back in the fridge.

In another decade or so, we'll have this thing down to a fine art.

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 27/10/2011 23:54

he called you what? Shock that is outrageous!

and he arranged it without consultation. that is not polite.

does he do any of the preparation/childcare whilst you are away or does he get to enjoy his riends while you run round like a headless chicken?

Original poster
fuzzypicklehead · 27/10/2011 23:55

Way back when, we used to go camping in really big groups and everybody just drifted around and then met up for breakfast and campfires in the evenings. That was fine. And I never really minded the late drunken evenings that turned into overnight stays, either. It's just when it stretches into a couple of nights that I start to feel claustrophobic.

Before kids, (or at least before 2nd kid) we each had some seperate friendships and he would often go away for overnights or even a week or two to catch up with his mates and do male bonding stuff. It was fab! He would go away and I would miss him and be thrilled to have him back. But I don't think he's actually gone away on his own since DD2 was born. Shit, that's a long time for us! No wonder I get so fed up with him--how can I miss him if he won't go the fuck away?

OP posts:
DogsBeastFiend · 27/10/2011 23:56

You're moe tolerant than me. It sounds like my idea of hell too and I don't take kindly to being told what I'm going to do or having plans made for me. (Explains why I love my single life! :o ).

I'd refuse to go, simple as that. My reasoning would be that I didn't make the arrangements and so I am not breaking them. If DH didn't like it... tough!

Original poster
fuzzypicklehead · 27/10/2011 23:58

I think in his head the preparation and childcare would just magically happen and the children would be beautifully behaved and share their toys and our dog wouldn't chase their cat and Coca-Cola advert-like harmony would ensue.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 00:06

Well there's your answer then, let him do the prep for it, it'll take him so long it'll be too late to go Grin

He'll also never want to go away again

crystalglasses · 28/10/2011 00:07

I would hate it as well but sometimes you just have to suck it up for the sake of your family. I would draw the line at taking the dog though. Can't you put it in kennels for the weekend? Also you'll need to find some way of creating some space for yourself. Could you develop a headache/stomach ache while you're there that necessitates some quiet time alone in bed/the bath? If you lay the ground work beforehand that should make it a bit easier. I get very stressed out if we stay with people (I'm not a sociable person inthat sense) but if I can manufacture some time alone it makes all the difference.

Original poster
fuzzypicklehead · 28/10/2011 00:14

He can't even manage to prep them for a day out without me laying everything out before hand and wrestling the girls into their respective outfits. Even then I'm faced with a barrage of questions.

"Where are the socks?" "Whose jeans are these", "How many nappies do we need?" "Are these the only shoes they have?"

And never mind packing snacks or games for the car. Why bother when the garage has fruit shoots and Kit Kats?

OP posts:
Mspontipine · 28/10/2011 00:18

Nearby b+b ?? That you can pop back to to have a private poo fetch vitally important thingummybob Grin

Feeling your pain fuzzypicklehead

BabyDubsEverywhere · 28/10/2011 00:18

Sounds like hell, I wouldnt go, let him take your eldest and stay home with the little one, one on one time is good for them anyway Grin

My Mother lives in Spain and my Father in France, I have never visited either, feeling the pressure a bit now but I really dont fancy it the forced social interaction out of my comfort zone!

Also fine with people being at mine, but they cant stay here Grin

Gosh Im a miserable cow, tell your DH to thank his lucky stars you are as sociable as you are op Grin

Original poster
fuzzypicklehead · 28/10/2011 00:22

I can try to manufacture time alone, but it's tough even at home. One or the other of the kids is generally perched somewhere on me or hanging from my leg and if I should dare to sit down DD2 usually interprets it as an invitation to attach herself to my boob as if it were her only source of oxygen. Ditto the bath. And the bed too.

Maybe I just need to make use of all that trapped wind I get and expel it to drive everyone out of the room. That could work.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuzzypicklehead · 28/10/2011 00:23

I would love a b&b. Maybe he would go along with that as a comprimise.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/10/2011 00:25

'Why bother when the garage has fruit shoots and Kit Kats?'

Weeell, he does have a point there Grin

We haven't moved to a house with more than the two beds we've got at the min just to keep visitors from inviting themselves over BDE.

I/we really do hate it that much Grin