To have lied about PND?

[HoorahHenrietta]

My son is 20 months old and I'm 36 weeks pregnant with dc2. Shortly after I had my son I felt out of my depth.

A slight God send is that my husband was made redundant at around that time, offering support and help. I just started to sink lower and lower and became really irrational about things (sleep routine, feeding routine, ironing, cleaning etc). That died down and I relaxed. I finished my MA in July and we moved and bought our "forever" home (outright, luckily) and also have a holiday home we are refurbishing to bring in an income. While it's a good income, the real reason is because I am petrified of being left alone with my son. It's hard now because I'm heavily pregnant, but a sense of panic creeps over my if there's no help at hand. The odd two/three hours I'm fine but it's daunting that it could be longer.

I am excited about dc 2 (completely unplanned) but am again, scared. My health visitor made me fill out the form to test for "PND" which was easily avoidable, but I now feel I've cheated no one but myself. My mother has bipolar and my sister claims to have depression...and I am desperate to not be associated with her (long story we don't get on). She palms her two children (both over the age of 10) on to anyone who'll have them...and I'm finding myself struggling emotionally and mentally because I'm desperate to not be like her (where people talk about what a bad parent she is behind her back). My husband is fantastic but I take everything out of him, and I feel it could be PND that wasn't dealt with combined with hormones. I'm starting to loathe myself...I don't want to go out and work (not just due to pregnancy) but because I don't want to abandon my children and be tarred with the same brush as my sister (no offence to those of you who work full time).

I feel I've rambled, desperate not to drip feed information.

Not too sure what to do. I feel so trapped in the life I've made for myself and the more pressure I put on myself to make it perfect, the more I'm struggling.

The test the HV gave you isn't the be-all and end-all of diagnosing PND. If you feel you might have it or are struggling for any other reason, help is always available. The HV will not find it at all odd if you call and ask her for a re-test. I would do this now so that support and medication as needed are in place and having an effect before the next baby arrives.

I would also try to disassociate your own needs and your sister's situation. People handle depression very differently and the support you need may be the same as, or widely differing to, the support she needs. Having depression is not the same as being a bad mother.

PND is very treatable. You don't have to feel like this and I say you owe it to yourself to ask for help.

if you think you need help, please please please ask for it

don't do what i did and try and cover it up

YABU. But I did it too. Eventually I did have to ask for help though and they are used to people not admitting their real feelings. I would phone your HV and request a visit to talk things through. You are right in that you have only cheated yourself.
I do sympathise with being almost afraid of being alone with your dc. I think, for me, it was the responsibility plus the fact it's really difficult, imo, to fill a day with a young baby. And the perfectionist side of me always thought we should be doing something.
I've got 2 kids now and after a little blip when the second was born I actually find it easier with 2. I'm so busy there's no time to dwell on stuff and the days fly by. I am also much better with older kids than babies.
Please do get help - the earlier the better ime.
Good luck and hope you're feeling better soon.

AKMD- I don't want anti depressants, my mother is on lithium and I don't want to be like that!

I just feel that the weight is on my shoulders with things that are so ridiculous they seem HUGE. I won't go to bed unless all the ironing is done, the bedding HAS to be washed twice a week and if I don't get around to doing it I feel as though I'm failing. It's the same with my son, I just feel the weight of occupying him as such a huge daunting task (not too sure if it's down to my pregnancy and inability to move about too much) or if I'm just crap.

The HV's test asked stupid questions...I don't feel like self harming. I don't cry everyday as I don't like to see a weakness I just need to push on through. I did go to my GP and he said, no I think you're fine, it's just part and parcel of being a first time parent.

Hey there you don't choose to struggle or be depressed, it happens, and you should seek outside help. There should be no stigma attached to mental illness.

No one should struggle alone, but you cannot be totally dependant upon your DH to always be there, that is unfair. You should be able to manage alone.

If you don't get help and sort it out you could end up with agoraphobia or worse.

It wouldn't make you a bad parent, but you have the wherewithall to get treatment, do it.

But the treatment involved without medication is long complicated discussions with counsellors about the "past" (2 very abusive partners when I was between the ages of 18-21...none of which are anything to do with me anymore...an attempted rape by one of them and an abortion)then I met my husband and everything eased away but I know I didn't "deal" with the problems...I don't know if those things are what are affecting me NOW or if I'm just looking for something to pin the blame on. I just feel exhausted with emotion and I'm petrified my children will suffer because of it.

I wouldn't completely discount ad's just on the experience of your mother either - though it's entirely up to you. SSRI's which they usually prescribe aren't the same as lithium and the only negative side affect I had on mine was a bit of nausea for a day when I started them.

Nobody chooses to have a mental health illness. I do feel you are being a bit harsh on your sister and your mother too. Do you think they are both exagerating their conditions? Are you worried that people will think the same of you too?

If you need help, you need help. It is doing nobody any good, least of all yourself, if you try to struggle through it without seeking help when help is easily available.

Treatment doesn't have to involve counselling sessions. There are many things that you can be offered including ad's, exercise, relaxation, support groups, dietary advice.
Also have you thought of self-referring to Homestart

I think your sister and mother have given you a very skewed view tbh and this wont be helpful in you getting treatment.

I have BiPolar, amongst other things, I am a fabulous mother if I do say so myself :) I take anti-psychotic medication every day and I am still a fabulous mother, I also had pnd, but I came through it and am now a fabulous mother.

Your Sister sounds like a deadbeat and MH is no excuse to be a shite parent. You are not your sister...and excepting help, be that therapy or/and medication and getting to grips with whatever issues you have will set you apart from them in every way.

You wouldnt not go to the doctors with a broken leg because your mother also had a broken leg and you dont want to be like her. You sound like you need help. Please get some, theres no point prolonging your suffering. Get well soon OP :)

I just feel that not all depression is down to a chemical balance and therefore can't all be solved with addictive medication. I rarely take a paracetamol.

I find it hard to talk about without breaking down and my husband just takes it that I'm having a hard day.

Talk to anyone you feel comfortable with. GP, MW, HV, whoever it is. Even the MW who delivers DC2, it's never too late. Your concerns will go on your notes, and, if a similar procedure is carried out where you live to where I live, the first step will be that your post natal MW care will continue for longer and the visits will be more frequent than if you'd not told them.

I covered it up with DS1. Then my best friend died suddenly when he was 3 months old and I couldn't hide it any longer. I was open from the start of my pregnancy with DS2 (about the same age gap as yours) and felt better through the pregnancy as a result.

You sound very self aware and hats off to you for having the courage to discuss it at all. Do tell one of your health professionals though. Good luck.

Modern anti-d's aren't addictive. I've come off Citalopram twice very easily.
It's up to you whether you want to go down that route but just want to make sure you have the facts.
Even if you don't want to take medication, like I said, there is lots of other help you can receive.

I don't understand your reluctance to take anti depressants. I had terrible PND with my son, my second child, and denied it for a good 18 months before it got to the point where I just could not function. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your dc. There are plenty of ads that are fine to take during pregnancy and breastfeeding, and I also found CBT extremely helpful. I'd not discount it til you've tried it. The hardest thing is askign for help. As soon as you reach out to your GP or midwife, whoever, the worst part is over. They'll have seen it before and they can help you get your life back.

I felt petrified when pregnant with ds1 because I'd just got my degree and was onto my MA and felt my future was gone. I was genuinely upset and blamed dh for the entire thing.

I wouldn't change him for the world and this pregnancy although has been a bit sicky, has been easier. I'm excited about the baby for the time being but have diverted the anxiety to other areas of my life...just diverting the trouble.

It's just so awkward sitting with my GP and saying;

"I think I have depression because some days I find life hard".
I don't feel I give people who have genuine depression/mental health issues credit. I don't drink or do drugs or self harm or harm my children so I'm not "dangerous" I just struggle and feel trapped inside my own head. It's horrible.

Fuckity- it's all medication not just ADs. I don't like putting them into my body, there's no stigma or reluctance I just don't like the idea.

I'd like to find the problem and solve it rather than take medication and with depression I think this can be possible. I just don't want to be asked "how are you feeling" all the time by professionals who are more interested in taking notes. I just feel like a failure and I think admitting to an illness will just determine it to myself.

Sorry OP, x posted a lot there.

Try not to compare yourself to your family. You are not a failure, and will not be one if you pursue any kind of treatment, be that talking or meds or both...

I think asking for help is brave and sensible. Not being a failure at all.

I think you need to stop putting on a brave face tbh. YOu know you have a problem with depression so why the reluctance to sort it out? Are you afraid it will somehow be seen as a failure? Because the real failure would be to know you have a problem and do nothing about it. I have pretty much norecollection at all of my ds's first year, I was so deep in depression. I woudl give anything to go back and get help earlier than I did. There's really no point or need for you to struggle with this.

The longer you leave it OP the worse it could get. I didn't want to admit I wasn't coping after dd and I let it get to the stage where I was in a very bad way. With ds I recognised the signs straight away, got help and recovered a lot quicker.

I can't understand what will change though. I will speak with a professional and that'll last the length of a piece of string...and then what? Life will become easier? Coping with my beautiful little boy will become easier? It's so hard sometimes when me and my dh argue, he throws it in my face and it really cuts me deep as I feel I am so out of control.

In some ways I feel like the bravest thing I have ever done was going to my gp and telling her that I wasn't coping. My family have a history of serious mental health problems, and I have always had a fear of ending up on anti-ds, but when it came to it I just needed help getting out of the pit I was in. I wanted to stop feeling anxious and panicky, I wanted to stop feeling terrified for my son (waiting for a diagnosis for various issues), I wanted to stop having nightmares about his birth and I wanted to stop shouting at my dds - anti depressants have helped me do all those things. I never once felt like self harming, or suicidal but I didn't feel like myself, and I know I wasn't coping. Now I feel like myself, I still feel worried and scared for ds, I still get cross with the girls, I still cry, but I am not overwhelmed by these things.

Get some help, there is no shame in it.

Ditto Hazeyjane. OP before I had CBT I just couldn't understand how it would help. But it does. I think you're like me in some ways, I could rationalise and intellectualise my feelings, from the outside I knew exactly why i felt the way I did. But applying coping techniques to my own life was beyond me. Are you being the mum your dc deserve or is your depression stopping you doing that?

In my experience life did become easier due to me getting help. I had a course of cbt which taught me techniques I could use to control my anxiety and negative thought processes.

OK. So I had a CBT session this week. We were kind of taking a long view of why I think the way I do about things. Here's how my therapist explained it...

I have a tendency to think negatively. Several very traumatic things have happened to me over the course of my life. They've created a really powerful way of thinking about the issues they raise so when I encounter those issues in day to day life, what should be a minor problem creates horrible fear and panic for me. Then depression.

Because those thoughts have been so powerful for so long they've created a sort of super highway that cuts through everything I do and every tiny decision that I make. It's easy for my thoughts and feelings to get sucked down that powerful road. The therapy is sort of creating another road, an alternative route.

This time, for many reasons, I decided on CBT alone. It is hard work - actual, pen to paper, reading, taking time to think and write hard work as well as the actual sessions (sometimes during them I cry for nearly an hour.) But, I feel, for me, right now, it's getting to the root of things. That's not to say I won't go to back meds in the future, or that I've anything against them, just that this time this way is working. And that, hopefully, it's going to help me feel well for a long long time.

Why struggle and feel trapped in your own head? Why feel horrible? There are ways that, with time, will make it better. You're your own person and you have the right to feel well.