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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask dp to take dd out when arranged?

17 replies

familyfun · 27/10/2011 15:07

this afternoon dp is visiting an ill friend, dd1 wanted to go to her nans so dp agreed to drop her off at 1.30 on his way out and fetch her on the way back.
I got her stuff ready and then started to bf dd2, told dp i was hoping she would then sleep so i could get jobs done and chill a bit

At 1.30 dd2 has finished her feed and is nodding off so i need to put her in the cot and get on, except dp is upstairs with dd1 showing her old photos and they are laughing loudly.

was ibu to shout up 10 mins later and ask them to hurry up and go out so dd2 could go to sleep, dd1 was late to visit her nan and dp was late to visit sick friend.

dp doesnt think time matters and said they were having a laugh and i should have left them alone, he thinks im controlling as i tell him what to do and when.

i think he was preventing dd2 sleeping, stopping me getting jobs done, making nan wait and making friend wait just because it suited him.

aibu?

yesterday we were meeting friends at 2, one of them travelled hour and half to meet up, dd2 was asleep but i texted to say we were on our way be half hour late, at 2 dd2 woke up so i grabbed her changed her nappy went to load her in car when i saw dp taking dd1 out in her coat saying he was just popping to the post office, so we were an hour late, again to me this is rude putting his needs before everyone else but he said he only needed to pop out and people understand.

aibu?

OP posts:

FlyingPirates · 27/10/2011 15:10

yanbu

squeakyfreakytoy · 27/10/2011 15:11

You sound a bit unreasonable about clock watching to be honest, and it does come across as controlling.

DoMeDon · 27/10/2011 15:15

I think there is a happy medium to things. You need to loosen up and he needs to be more considerate. The laughing at photos together, being happy, moments like that are more precious than being a bit late. The popping to post office when you're due to meet someone who's travelled a long way is a bit selfish.

worraliberty · 27/10/2011 15:17

The laughing at photos together, being happy, moments like that are more precious than being a bit late. The popping to post office when you're due to meet someone who's travelled a long way is a bit selfish

That's what I was thinking....was just too lazy to type it

hocuspontas · 27/10/2011 15:17

Loosen up about sleep times and the rest will fall into place, trust me!

SandStorm · 27/10/2011 15:19

He was unreasonable to make people wait if he had arrangements with him but as regards DD2's sleep and you getting on with jobs I fail to see how them still being there is an issue.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 27/10/2011 15:19

As DoMeDon says - a happy medium needs to be found.

Yesterday - was it your Mum or his that was kept waiting?

DD2 needs to learn to sleep in a family home and not a museum!

IndieSkies · 27/10/2011 15:32

It was very rude indeed to keep the people waiting yesterday, but today you should have just done your thing and closed the door on dd2 so she could sleep. If she was noddong off, she would have slpet anyway.

tbh I would have taken a sleeping DD2 in the car seat yesterday and not kept friends waiting at all.

Original poster

familyfun · 27/10/2011 15:37

yes you are right about the precious memories, it is so important to me that the dds have a special relationship with their dad, i will definitely leave them to it in future.
it was my mom today kept waiting although she wouldnt say anything, not sure how it would affect his friend.
dd2 sleeps 30 mins a day if im lucky, if disturbed she stays awake all day, so i treasure her sleep time, as it is i sorted 2 loads of washing and a pile of clothes down from the loft for her to grow into, while she slept, so i suppose i really wanted to get her to sleep.
they were laughing loudly next to dd2s cot so if i had taken her up she would have woken again and got too livley to settle.

i dont want to be controlling or ruin family moments, i was brought up that 1 minute late was too late and had to clock watch every second and i suppose im not sure whats normal lateness and whats rude?

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 27/10/2011 15:47

TBH it sounds like you are carrying the weight of responsibility at home. If you have trouble settling DD, are tired, have things to do then it isn't controlling to ask DP to be more considerate.

Do you feel DP is a bit selfish/inconsiderate generally? I ask as maybe that is why you resent him being so relaxed about things? That 30 mins may have been better spent investing time in yourself.

FWIW being late as a standard is rude - it shows you put yourself/ your time above the other person - it shows a generally disrespectful attitude.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 27/10/2011 15:50

Yeah you are being controlling. Being an hour late for friends wasn't great but the having a nice time with his daughter only 10 mins after you wanted him to go out . . . well . . . 10 mins? It really doesn't matter. If I were him I would of told you to fuck off (out of earshot of kids obviously). You're not his mum/boss, leave him alone! And chill out about nap times. Some parents get so anal about them. It really won't matter.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 27/10/2011 15:54

I see. That must have made you quite anxious about being late I would imagine. Now is the time to change things, unless you want to parent your husband the way you were parented as a child and unless you want your children to grow up as stressed out about being late as you. Do you want this to change?

How old is the baby?

Original poster

familyfun · 27/10/2011 15:57

dp is always late yes, i should just chill.
he wouldnt tell me to fuck off as he isnt rude like that

OP posts:

Original poster

familyfun · 27/10/2011 15:58

yes i want it to change although is dont always want to be late and make people wait for me, but i dont want to stress over it.
dds are 4 and 11 months

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 27/10/2011 16:03

I think you were a little rude to interrupt the nice time they were having. Those moments are so lovely, why interrupt it because of 10 mins?

he thinks im controlling as i tell him what to do and when. --- How can that be anything other then controlling?!

As to how you change I am not sure!

Original poster

familyfun · 27/10/2011 20:21

i dont think i tell him what to do, he does, he must be right.
he told my mom he would drop dd1 there at 1.30 to get to his friend before 2, at 1.40 he was still upstairs making no signs of moving so i shouted up, he didnt get to my moms till 2.15 and if i hadnt shouted up i can only presume it would have been even later.
tbh at the time i just wanted them out the room so dd2 could get in her cot, draw the curtains etc.

OP posts:

TadlowDogIncident · 27/10/2011 20:44

I think you're getting a hard time on here, OP. Being an hour late because of popping to the post office is rude and inconsiderate. Being 10 minutes late isn't a big deal, and perhaps you should just have asked them to move into a different room, but then your DP should have thought of that if your DD2 is a difficult sleeper. (DS is a terrible napper, so I sympathise!)

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