to feel selfish but worried at the same time

[mycatoscar]

My dh works with my dad in a "partnership" my dad is a complete prat and treats dh horribly, although this isnt personal, he's a prat to everyone! The only advantage to the situation is relative job security and good money.

Dh is unhappy with the situation with my dad but enjoys his day to day job and we have no real money worries. I work part time and do everything around the house, childcare etc which is fine.

Last night dh was offered a job which is basically the same as he does now but obviously without the prattish FIL! The only problem is that it is less money a year. We can just about cover all the bills if we make a few economies but it will be tight.

I feel so selfish to be worried but can't help it. I have sincerely told dh to go for the job if he thinks it will make him happier - I dont think he has picked up on my worries.

I am upping my hours at work next month for a temp amount of time to cover another colleagues absence, and there is the chance it may become permanent if I want it, the trouble is, my job is very inflexible and would never allow me to do school run or go to xmas plays etc, also I have had depression on and off since dd was born and although I think going back to work full time may actually help this in some ways (I was never born to be a SAHM, put it that way) I am really worried that if dh takes this job I am pretty much going to have to return to work full time anyway.

I don't think you're being selfish, but have you and your DH talked about the ramifications of him changing jobs? As in, if your income drops you will have to go back to fulltime, and he will have to do half the housework and childcare? You really, really need to have that conversation now, and not when it's too late. If you're upping your hours next month anyway that'll provide a good trial run.

yes, next month will be a very good trial run, we had already agreed that, I am really not sure whether going back full time will help my depression or not, and I am concerned about the impact on dd. She is happy at her childminder (loves her infact), doing well at school and is generally a happy little thing, and I love my job and can defnitely see the attraction of returning full time but have a nagging doubt about having to do it if you see what I mean. It also breaks my heart at the thought of never, ever being able to see a school play or sports day . I had always vowed, she wouldnt be one of those children if I could help it.

We can afford to live with me staying part time though, although I think I will feel the pressure (maybe from myself more than dh) to stay full time once the opportunity arises.

He says he understands about doing half the childcare etc and I think he does genuinely believe himself but in reality I am not convinced it will happen and that I will end up resentful and knackered or with a tip of a house LOL. We had always agreed that we would get a cleaner if I returned full time, but wit a drop in his wages that wont be an option.

But, if I prevent him from taking this job, he will be resentful of me - even though he will pretend not to be. I just hate the fact that he has to put up with my father to pay for mine and dd's lifestyle - I feel like I dont contribute very much . We have a year to go before changing our mortgage deal and could at that point reduce that outgoing, plus any extra I earn could go into savings for when the washing machine breaks down, car repairs etc.

Just feel like crap.

Well, you'll see whether the increase in childcare, etc., happens this next month, surely?

Will he be happier? I mean, obviously you say your Dad's crap to work for, but is your husband struggling with being there? Because you might find that if he's happier, then he is more willing/has more energy to do housework, etc.

Also, is his job any more flexible than yours? So could he come to Sports Days and things? FWIW, which I realise isn't much, I grew up with a single mother who worked long hours to keep us, and don't remember her ever being at a school thing unless it was after hours, and I don't remember minding at all, it was just what I was used to. School plays and stuff often are after hours, aren't they?

Is that the only job he can go for? Any chance that now he's identified the fact that he wants out he can look out for a job with more money?

Or is that totally unreasonable in the current UK climate.

TBH yanbu but I would hate to work for my fil and the sheer idea of my dh working for my dad makes me get the horrors.

No not the only job he could go for obviously, but in his industry, a lot of jobs are found by word of mouth rather than adverts. Not ideal when your FIL and "boss" knows everyone locally who works in the industry LOL.

Ideally he work like to start up on his own and I think he is totally capable but its the risk in the short term whilst he builds up a client base which is making him look for "jobs" rather than just starting up on his own.

And yes working for your FIL is no fun!

He's left for work, says he is still unsure but is erring on side of taking the job. He will tell my dad, or not, today. So I guess I will know soon enough.