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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still sad I didn't end up with him

23 replies

Whatdoyouthinkthen · 26/10/2011 19:18

Namechanged here.
I had a long relationship with someone throughout my teens and twenties. We were amazing friends and I loved him very much. Shared lots of great times and saw him almost every day for years.
I am now nearly 50 (eek) and am married with a family. Not a great marriage but we get along.
My old friend never married or had DC and suffered a fatal heart attack 10 years ago, young at 40.
We finished our 'relationship' when we were 30 after 14 years because he maintained that he never wanted to marry or have DC and we were friends not lovers.
He never had another relationship and we remained distant friends despite the fact that it took me a long time to get over him.

AIBU to have never actually got over him and to be still upset that I lost him ( even though I never had him to begin with) or should I have forgotten all about it by now?

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 26/10/2011 19:20

Of course YANBU, I think that 'first love' stays with you forever. I know it has with me even though I have a new partner and 2dc's.

Original poster
Whatdoyouthinkthen · 26/10/2011 19:23

Thank you shutup, you have made me feel better already!

OP posts:
BrikSchittHaus · 26/10/2011 19:25

so not yanbu, i'm Sad for you

one of the hardest lessons i've learnt has been that often, things never get finished or resolved properly, and so the residual stuff never gets dealt with, sometimes there is no getting over things and moving on to new things is a bit tainted by the past

MangoMonster · 26/10/2011 19:28

You might never forget but you have moved on and that's good. Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Whatdoyouthinkthen · 26/10/2011 19:30

Brik I know, I feel very unreasonable because I have a happy life but it's the unfinished, unresolved things that still get me now and again.
20 years on FHS!

OP posts:
BrikSchittHaus · 26/10/2011 19:38

oh arse, i meant yanbu - as opposed whatever nonsense is up there, i really hope you find peace with this

Original poster
Whatdoyouthinkthen · 26/10/2011 19:43

Brik- you posted it right first time! Thanks

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 26/10/2011 19:50

You're sad because he's no longer here and you cared about him a lot. That doesn't mean you should have stayed with him :) But YANBU at all to feel sad. A boy I used to know and had a crush on died a couple of years ago, only about 30 years old. I still feel sad about him.

HappyCamel · 26/10/2011 19:59

YANBU. I'm happily married now but still occasionally miss the guy I first had a proper relationship with, we could talk for hours. DH is absolutely wonderful but has Asperger's so conversations can be a bit one sided!

PaigeThumbScrewTurner · 26/10/2011 20:04

YANBU - I woke up teary this morning about a lost love (he hasn't died, but is happily married to someone else). Acknowledge it, move on and make the most of what you do have.

runningwilde · 26/10/2011 20:06

I actually think yabu (!) as he made the decision not to marry you or have a family with you and you did the best thing by finding someone who did as you really would have regretted it if you hadn't have had your children.

Keep the fond memories but don't dress it up too much and put your energy in your husband who wanted to marry you and have children with you x

Original poster
Whatdoyouthinkthen · 26/10/2011 20:11

Paige, Eric, Happy - thanks!
Funny how people stay with us and glad I am not alone.
It's not exactly a great topic of conversation to have with DH!
Glad you don't all think I'm mad to still think of him and feel sad about it all, despite all of the years gone by!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdoyouthinkthen · 26/10/2011 20:19

running i know what you mean. I dont think he was the type to get married :) but it took me a long time to realise that it wasn't a rejection of me.
Our relationship was quite damaging in that respect and when we 'ended' it all I was really angry.
But years gone by, hindsight and the rest... I feel sorry about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdoyouthinkthen · 26/10/2011 20:21

Also running - Keep the fond memories but don't dress it up too much and put your energy in your husband who wanted to marry you and have children with you

Couldn't agree more!

OP posts:
Beaverfeaver · 26/10/2011 20:22

YANBA - It's still good to remenisce about past loves, and its good to talk about them too. 14 years is such a huge part of anyones lives to just move on and forget about it, even if it was bad, or good.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/10/2011 20:25

Look at it this way, OP, if you'd ended up with him you wouldn't have what you have now and it's possible that you two would have really ended up not being even friends. At least now you have your memories of your good times together.

Be careful that you don't build up this relationship in your head to something it wasn't... it's very hard for a partner to compete with a 'ghost' who is no longer around to make the mistakes that all humans make.

Original poster
Whatdoyouthinkthen · 26/10/2011 20:30

Beaver and Lying
I'm coming round to the idea that it's ok to remember and yes, Lying, absolutely agree with you.
Remember the past but live in the present and all that!

OP posts:
IWantWine · 26/10/2011 21:25

I wont ever forget my first real love either.. I was really distraught when I learned he had died, and so young too.

I dont think about it much but when I do, I cry. :(

KittyFane · 26/10/2011 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Whatdoyouthinkthen · 26/10/2011 22:02

Iwantwine
:)

OP posts:
runningwilde · 26/10/2011 23:06

Big hugs op x

scottishmummy · 26/10/2011 23:14

what ifs gloss and embelish faults and foibles
And you're selctively recalling the good stuff,but frankly if it were that great you'd not have broken up

scottishmummy · 26/10/2011 23:19

You have a fractured unplanned end and no further chance to get closure.but don't dwell on what ifs and be sad. Focus on the good stuff and your achievements

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