Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To expect my partner to let me know what he is doing?

15 replies

CactusRash · 26/10/2011 08:15

And I don't mean that in a controlling way, 'I want to know what you are doing, who you see' type of way.
What I am talking about is different. It's him taking days off on holidays wo mentioning it, so then there are some issues to organize the Christmas hols because 'he doesn't have any days left'.
It's him starting a course but hardly mentioning it until the books arrive at home (OU). Even though it is obvious it will have some consequences on our family life as he will need (quiet??) time to study.
It's him organizing full days out for his hobby but never asking if that is an issue for anyone (ie I am expecting to pick up the slack, look afetr the dcs whatever days he has decided to go away).
I don't have any issue with him going out, hobbies, OU course etc... but AIBU to want more communication and be kept in the loop at the very least? H think I am controlling to ask for that

OP posts:

kangers · 26/10/2011 08:19

YANBU sit him down and tell him. Explain its cos you are a family and he affects your lives. Sounds like he is still functioning on a single man level.

Original poster

CactusRash · 26/10/2011 08:24

He sees that as me stopping him from doing things (and yes sometimes, it might be that his choices will clash with somethingelse).
Re the course, books have arrived, he is due to start studying this week but upon questioning still 'hasn't thought about when he is going to study'. So again, he will want to do things when it suits him and expect everybody to fit around him.

OP posts:

TheBloodCountessBathory · 26/10/2011 08:25

YANBU - it's common politeness to let you know in advance what his plans are.

Original poster

CactusRash · 26/10/2011 08:45

Yes I thought so too...

OP posts:

lottiegb · 26/10/2011 10:32

I'm sure everyone draws their line in a different place, in terms of level of consultation and detail required. Whether you've lived alone for any time, or spent all you adult life in a couple will make a difference. We both arrange our own social activities, as well as doing things together but, will always be aware of and check for any impact on the other. That's just basic consideration and manners.

DP took a while adjusting to being in a relationship and could put his wishes and activities ahead of shared priorities. That was/is partly just selfishness and thoughtlessness but partly not understanding why some shared things were a priority, or why I wanted what I did. So, a communication issue but also about recognising that being part of a couple includes some compromise. Moving from being two individuals to being a couple did take a while, not helped by DP 'naturally' (problematically in my view) viewing us as competing individuals, rather than seeking to find the best accommodation which, over all, would make us both happier than being alone. Things I thought were obvious were not, so talking has been essential to improvement.

Having children makes a huge difference though. Did your partner not feel he had any choice about this? Does he not see that he has some responsibility towards the family, as an integral part of that family?

I don't think your issue is really him letting you know, it is him being responsible and having some consideration towards other family members.

lottiegb · 26/10/2011 10:35

Also, is he generally impulsive? Does he have difficulty planning and executing plans, being on time etc? Could be a wider problem to address.

slavetofilofax · 26/10/2011 10:38

If he doesn't see the problem, then see how he feels when you do it. Tell him you are going away this weekend and he has no right to complain that you didn't tell him before, because that is just him controlling you and stopping you from doing things.

He needs a wake up call, and he needs to see that his children are as much his responsibility as they are yours.

Original poster

CactusRash · 26/10/2011 19:34

We have been together for 14years, 2 dcs who were both planned but he still doesn't seem to have adapted to family life to say the least.
I can totally related to the 'seeing us as competing individuals'. That's exactely how it feels to me and that I then have to 'impose'my pov because otherwise it's not going to be taken into account.

Also yes wider issues there, incl a total lack of communication. Inability to express his pov or needs. And inability to hold a 'conversation' as 2 adults exchanging different pov and explaining why they think a certain way.
And the fact that whatever happens iot has to be my fault, never his.

BTW, he should have had his wake up call already. ecause of work, he was left in sole charge of the dcs every other WE. That was discussed, I asked him if he was happy about it. He said he was. And then got extremely resentful about it. And still didn't take any responsability for his dcs after 3 years.....

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 26/10/2011 20:23

who has the dcs everyother weekend while you are at work?

Original poster

CactusRash · 26/10/2011 20:26

He (H) had.

OP posts:

Original poster

CactusRash · 26/10/2011 20:26

This arrangement stopped abiut 1.5 years ago as it wasn't sustainable.

OP posts:

maras2 · 26/10/2011 21:17

And you love him because?

Original poster

CactusRash · 26/10/2011 21:22

Never said I love him. He is H not DH atm.

The real reason for my question is that he did one of those 'I am doing X' again today. It annoyed me again. But he has managed to make me doubt of myself so much that I need outside input just to check I am not unreasonnable/controlling/out of order. Sad isn't it?

OP posts:

maras2 · 26/10/2011 21:32

Sorry Cactus.Just assumed that after such a long time together that you did love him.You are so not unreasonable and he's an idiot.Best wishes. Mx.

lottiegb · 27/10/2011 06:59

Sounds like he wants you to be his mother - an authority figure who will make all decisions but can then be resented if they are not what he wants.

This is a very traditional model of family life of course. Was his upbringing like this and has he just assumed that his own family would be the same?

That suggests he views himself as a child though - helpless and passive (children aren't really like that are they but there is an acceptance of authority, or else...something).

It could be that he's really very fearful of what will happen if he expresses a pov, disagreement, or admits to being wrong about anything. His self-esteem may depend on being 'right' and he may think that showing a chink in that armour will lessen your respect for him or just make him very vulnerable to attack. Or he could just be an arrogant sod - underestimating others' self-esteem can be a big mistake - but the two things can be rooted in the same place.

Of course, unless he accepts he has a problem, he won't address it and it's up to you how much you want to try to draw the problem to his attention, or make it more real by refusing to play along.

Flip