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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want her around the children

23 replies

biddysmama · 26/10/2011 07:14

my mil,her attitude towards other people is disgusting, she thinks she is better than everyone else

she refers to the americans across the road from her as "them yanks, cant stand them" shes never spoken to them!
she talks about "pakis" and "polish stealing all our jobs"
she said the women killed in the hammer attacks deserved it because they were prostitutes
she talks about my sil's "dirty lesbian" sister

theres much more but she does this in front of the children and wont listen when we ask her not to. Ive told dh i want to stop visiting her for a few weeks to see if it sinks in that she cant talk like that around the children (aged 9,2,1 and another due in jan) aibu?

OP posts:

FearTricksPotter · 26/10/2011 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquelchyBodyParts · 26/10/2011 07:19

YADNBU she sounds absolutely horrid! I would hate to have to listen to such nastiness and prejudice!

Keep the children and you as far away from her as possible!

architien · 26/10/2011 07:20

You sound reasonable to me, your MIL doesn't however so just be prepared to have your name added to the long term black list in her head. God help you!

NearlyLeglessEuphemia · 26/10/2011 07:22

YANBU to be offended by her, however the world is full of people like this and you can't hide them from your children.

Best to educate your children not to be like her. Bring them up to be open-minded and confident enough to challenge the views of someone like your MIL.

My MIL is quite like yours, very bigoted and ignorant. When I was telling her I have some pupils who need additional support with their work, she asked "Are they quite dim then?". I replied that they have dyslexia - DD (9) was present and has children with ASN in her class, so it's important for me to set an example by not letting MIL get away with a comment like that.

domesticdiva · 26/10/2011 07:22

YANBU, unfortunately I doubt you will change her opinions with subtlety, if at all. Perhaps befriend the american couple, invite all your multinational friends round for a cuppa/party, and then see if she is so prejudiced then!

purplewerepidj · 26/10/2011 07:23

YANBU - you wouldn't let them watch a film with stuff like that in, why should it be acceptable from an adult who should know better?

gypsycat · 26/10/2011 08:07

YANBU, however from my experience old dogs rarely learn new tricks, and while I would hope keeping her grandkids from her for a little while might make her see the error of her ways for awhile, I doubt it will change her outlook on life or her prejudices, and as bad as she is it would be a shame for the grandkids to not know their grandmother.

If it's any consolation, my grandmother was A LOT like that (an otherwise lovely woman, whom I loved dearly, but sometimes the racist comments that would come out of her mouth would make you blush!) and it never rubbed off on any of us grandchildren. In fact her racist comments are now private jokes between us when we are reminiscing about her. My guess is that it will be the same for your kids.

CoffeeDog · 26/10/2011 08:10

My mum tries this on my DD i have frequentley left her in the garden centre/supermarket - untill she calm's down, sadley both my parents have past on their prejudices to my brother (SN) and although he really has no idea what he is 'saying' it often has cosequences.

DD is well rounded she just says nana that is not nice you know girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys i have already told you.... and my personal favorite - nana whats a 'paki' shouted in the middle of a garden centre cafe... my mum then goes on to explain in her word's i struggled hard not to laugh or butt in - My DD turns around and pronouces very loudly oh that really pretty lady in the princess costume (sari) i think she is beautiful- Just about made up for her nana's absimal behaviour - thankfully she is getting better.

ionysis · 26/10/2011 09:07

Am I the only one picturing Catherine Tate's Nan character here?!

LydiaWickham · 26/10/2011 09:13

Ionysis, I wasn't, but now I am.

OP - get your DH to tell his mum her racist and homophobic attitudes should be kept to herself and you wno't be seeing her until she promises to at least behave like a tolerant person, even if in her head she's thinking these things. Tell her the first time she utters a racist or homophobic comment, you will remove the DCs, so even if you've barely taken your coats off, get everyone ready and leave again.

slavetofilofax · 26/10/2011 09:36

I would want to keep my dc away from her, but if that wasn't possible, I would have to pull her up on every single one of those comments.

When peopel are so glaringly wrong, it's not hard to point out their stupidity.

She talks about Poles stealing jobs, you talk about what a shame it is that Brits are too lazy to work as hard as they do. She talks about Yanks, you talk about the things that she probably enjoys that have come from America.

Or just say 'Oh, MIL, I'm sure you didn't mean that to come out as racist as it sounded, because that would be awful if you were judging people just because of the country they were born in'. If she continues, point out that she is being racist and you don't want your children to hear that.

She is entitled to her opinions, but you and your dc are entitled to not have to listen to such drivel. Be straight with her - if she doesn't watch her nasty mouth, you won't be able to allow your children to spend time with her. Then the choice is hers.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 26/10/2011 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerryCombover · 26/10/2011 09:51

what would you do if it was your mum?

do the same

Original poster

biddysmama · 26/10/2011 12:20

thats easy perrycombover.. we dont visit my mum because she refuses to stop smoking in the house while we are there and makes me breastfeed upstairs..

OP posts:

worraliberty · 26/10/2011 12:21

Is she Step Gran to your eldest?

I'm just wondering if you've put up with this for 9yrs?

bachsingingmum · 26/10/2011 12:56

YANBU, she sounds awful. My own MIL indulges in what we call "casual racism", not nearly as bad as that, but still jarring. Our DC have always been to heavily racially mixed schools where racism is simply not tolerated. I think that they pick up their attitudes from their parents and school and Grans (unless they spend a lot of time there) will have little influence in the long run. We are all able to laugh at what she says now they are older.

Original poster

biddysmama · 27/10/2011 07:43

worraliberty, yes she is.... if anyone remembers te thread about the bride and groom eating at mcdonalds on their wedding day because the mil ruined the wedding reception, thats me!

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 27/10/2011 07:55

I agree with NearlyLeglessEuphemia.

AbsolutelyBloodySpiffing · 27/10/2011 08:04

I have previously encountered people who 'can't bloody stand Yanks' even though they've never been there and never known any. What actually is that all about? What kind of insane mindset formulates that and then thinks it's ok?

Moomim · 27/10/2011 08:07

blood is not thicker than water

Moominsarescary · 27/10/2011 08:48

We had the people comming over and taking all our jobs comment from my mil recently

I was lost for words, especially as dfil and my dp ( her son) were born in a different country

Mad as a box of frogs

LydiaWickham · 27/10/2011 09:12

also heard the 'people taking our jobs' thing from MIL, that her DS worked in Luxembourg and Germany 'taking their jobs' didn't seem to bother her at all... (DH and BIL have both been calling her on it for years, and it seems to be finally sinking in, she's getting a lot more tolerant in her old age)

chipmonkey · 27/10/2011 09:16

Right, well after eating in MaccyD's on my wedding day, that would probably have been the end of seeing the MIL, there and then!

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